Chuck
Jokes
How much wood did the woodchuck chuck?
None. He was an environmentalist.
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Me: how much wood would a wood chuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood
Siri: a woodchuck would chuck as much wood as a woodchuck would chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. But if a woodchuck could chuck woodchucks chucking wood then a woodchuck could chuck wood-chucking woodchucks.
Me: . .
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+1UPVOTEDOWNVOTEZeus is offering a seat in his Pantheon for the first person to complete his trials of strength.
An esteemed hero of all men approaches Olympus and thinks hey, why the hell not. If I lose I may be disappointed, but if I win I will join the legendary Gods of the Pantheon!
So he makes his way to Zeus, excited to see what is in store for him in order to prove his worth to the Gods. Along the way, he sees dozens of noble warriors, bodybuilders and others laying on the ground, devasta
+1UPVOTEDOWNVOTEWhere do priest go hunting?
Chuck E. Cheese
0UPVOTEDOWNVOTEWhat happens when Chuck Norris lifts Thor Hammer?
Hammer explodes because it is Not Worthy.
0UPVOTEDOWNVOTEWhat is a nuns favourite baseball pitch?
The nun-chuck
0UPVOTEDOWNVOTEThe spirit on my ouija board banished me to hell by reading a passage.
It said its name was "Chuck Norris"
0UPVOTEDOWNVOTEWhats the most most dangerous bridge in the world
The bridge named chuck Norris because nobody crosses it and lives
0UPVOTEDOWNVOTEChuck Norris...
Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
0UPVOTEDOWNVOTEHow come there are so many Chuck Norris jokes but none about Clint Eastwood?
Clint Eastwood is no joke.
0UPVOTEDOWNVOTEWhen Chuck Norris attends a feminisms rally
He comes back with his shirt ironed and a sandwich
0UPVOTEDOWNVOTEWhat happens when Chuck Norris lifts Thor Hammer?
Hammer explodes because it is not worthy.
0UPVOTEDOWNVOTEWhat happens when a police car speeds!
Chuck norris gives them a ticket!
0UPVOTEDOWNVOTEWhat does Chuck Norris say when fishing?
"you, you and you, get out,"
0UPVOTEDOWNVOTEChuck Norris saved a mimes life once.
He broke him out of an invisible soundproof box.
0UPVOTEDOWNVOTESo Chuck Norris is going to Area 51
We’re now 1.2 million infantrymen and 1 chuck norris strong. Our plan of attack is to send 400,000 from the east, 400,000 from the west, 400,000 from the south and Chuck Norris from the North.
0UPVOTEDOWNVOTEI guess since Chuck Norris will be raiding Area 51
We can be sure there will be no aliens there
0UPVOTEDOWNVOTEChuck Norris once had beer with a bunch of aliens in a nondescript location.
Today we call it Area 51
0UPVOTEDOWNVOTETIL the Apollo moon missions were fueled by 100 Chuck Norris farts...
2 of them.
0UPVOTEDOWNVOTEThe Duck
Chuck was a teenager, and still a virgin. His dad didn't want him to go to college without having slept with a woman, so on Chuck's 18th birthday, he sends Chuck to the local whorehouse. Times were tough, so he only could give Chuck a dollar.
The prostitutes took pity on Chuck. He gave one his dollar and they went into a room.
Somehow, Chuck was the greatest
0UPVOTEDOWNVOTEChuck norris is not impressed
Chuck Norris would roundhouse kick the earth and spin the world and bottle instead of the cap.
0UPVOTEDOWNVOTEOne time Chuck Norris pee'd in the tank of a semi-truck as a practical joke.
That truck is now known as Optimus Prime.
0UPVOTEDOWNVOTESylvester Stallone, Chuck Norris and Arnold Schwarzenegger are sitting in a bar.
Sylvester Stallone says, "Guys, we should make a movie with the three of us, but I'm all out of ideas at the moment, I'm kind of bored with the standard action flicks."
Chuck says, "Guys, I'm bored of doing action movies too and I've got some ideas but you may not like them."
Sylvester says, "Let us hear it."
0UPVOTEDOWNVOTEWhy doesnt chuck Norris flush the toilet?
He scares the shit out of it.
0UPVOTEDOWNVOTEChuck Norris threw a grenade and killed 50 people...
... then it exploded.
0UPVOTEDOWNVOTEChuck Norris invented the bottle cap challenge
Before the bottle cap was invented
0UPVOTEDOWNVOTETried to get video of Chuck Norris kicking a cap off a bottle.
But the cap fled in terror before it happened.
0UPVOTEDOWNVOTEI took my girlfriend to Chuck E Cheese and the notice on the door said I needed to be accompanied by a child
Good thing she hasn’t turned 13 yet
0UPVOTEDOWNVOTEChuck Norris doesn't need to be vaccinated.
Vaccines need to be Chuck Norrised.
0UPVOTEDOWNVOTEChuck Norris doesn't need to be vaccinated
Vaccinations need to be Chuck Norrised.
0UPVOTEDOWNVOTEChuck Norris amp Superman once fought each other as a bet.
The loser had to start wearing his underwear on the outside of his pants.
0UPVOTEDOWNVOTEChuck
Chuck Norris can pick an apple from an orange tree and make the best lemonade you’ve ever tasted.
0UPVOTEDOWNVOTESylvester Stallone, Chuck Norris and Arnold Schwarzenegger are sitting in a bar.
Sylvester Stallone says, "Guys, we should make a movie with the three of us, but I'm all out of ideas at the moment, I'm kind of bored with the standard action flicks."
Chuck says, "Guys, I'm bored of doing action movies too and I've got some ideas but you may not like them."
Sylvester says, "Let us hear it."
0UPVOTEDOWNVOTEChuck Norris once challenged Keanu Reeves to a fight.
Before Chuck could land a punch, Keanu put Chuck to sleep by treating him out to a nice dinner, a couple glasses of wine, and read him a bedtime story.
0UPVOTEDOWNVOTEMy name is Chuck Norris and i can count to 100
On fingers on my hand
0UPVOTEDOWNVOTEWhy is the sky blue?
Chuck Norris told it a sad story.
0UPVOTEDOWNVOTEWhat do you get if you take viagra at a Chuck E. Cheese?
Kicked out.
0UPVOTEDOWNVOTEWhat do you get if you take a viagra at a Chuck E. Cheese?
Kicked out.
0UPVOTEDOWNVOTEI got caught up in a religious protest for vegetarianism before. It was weird enough to start with but it got surreal when I saw a nun throw a huge fish into the village pond and then a monk trying to get it out again only to end up netting a large slab of beef instead.
Still not sure what was weirder- seeing the nun chuck fish or the monk fish chuck.
0UPVOTEDOWNVOTEI got caught up in a religious protest for vegetarianism before. It was weird enough to start with but it got surreal when I saw a nun throw a huge fish into the village pond and then a monk trying to get it out again only to end up being a large slab of beef instead.
Still not sure what was weirder, seeing the nun chuck fish or the monk fish chuck.
0UPVOTEDOWNVOTEThree Chinese brothers decided that they move to US.
Three Chinese brothers, Bu, Chu and Fu decided that they move to the US. To fit in better, they decided to change their names. Bu changed his name to Buck, Chu changes his name to Chuck and Fu stayed in China.
0UPVOTEDOWNVOTEChuck Norris doesn't teabag
He potato sacks
0UPVOTEDOWNVOTEHow many push-ups can Chuck Norris do?
All of them
0UPVOTEDOWNVOTEThere were three men Chuck, Huck and Buck
They were room-mates and their girlfriends were room-mates.
Chuck' phone rings, his girlfriend calls him over; but on the condition that he has to come naked.
Huck's phone rings, his girlfriend calls him over; but on the condition that he has to come naked.
Buck's phone rings, his girlfriend calls him over; but on the condition that he has to
0UPVOTEDOWNVOTEChuck Norris donates blood
Not just his own.
0UPVOTEDOWNVOTEChuck Norris walked into a gay bar
He straightened them all out
0UPVOTEDOWNVOTEChuck Norris doesnt need a watch
HE decides what time it is.
0UPVOTEDOWNVOTE4 guys are hanging out together. Larry gets up and says hey did you know 1 in 4 guys are gay
John gets up and says, “I hope it’s chuck, he’s really cute”
0UPVOTEDOWNVOTEChuck Norris used to be in an abstract art exhibit.
People never saw Chuck Norris the same after that.... because he punched them in the face for looking at him funny.
0UPVOTEDOWNVOTEChuck Norris was accused of being misogynist
So he turned the girl who accused him into a man
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