Chop

Jokes

What's the difference between a baby and an onion?

Nobody cries when you chop up the baby.

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What do you call a pig that knows karate?

A pork-chop!

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Whats Donald Ducks favorite System of a Down song ?

Chop Fuey

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What do you call a pig that knows martial arts?

Pork Chop

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Do you know the story of chop-chop the girafe ?

She's getting out of an helicopter and chop-chop, the girafe

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A lumberjack walks into an enchanted forest. As he goes to chop down a tree, it calls out. "Wait, don't chop me down. I'm a talking tree!"

The lumberjack smiles. "And you will dialogue."

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What's the difference between chopped beef and pea soup?

Everyone can chop beef, but no one can pee soup

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Joe and the Talking Trees

Joe was a simple and serious man. He was a carpenter in a small village named Arge Oaks where he owned the store "Joe's Carpentry."

For years Joe impressed his fellow neighbors with the highest quality carpentry work. Some people in town complained he was a bit too expensive, but no one ever questioned the quality of his work. He was the best and business was good.


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A short and skinny guy, Dave, enters the lumberjacks' office

He says he wants a job. A giant man stands up, laughs, and tells him to be in the woods at 5 a.m. 4.55 am, Dave is there. The giant tells him everybody has to clear 5 acres of trees until the end of the shift. The shift ends, Dave cuts 5.2 acres. The giant, obviously impressed, asks him where he learned to chop trees. Dave said his previous job was cutting trees in Sahara. Giant: "But there a


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My chiropractor told me he likes to chop wood in his freetime

He's a lumbar jack

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What do you get when you chop firewood faster than you can stack it?

A backlog.

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A Man Walks Into A Bar

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A man walke into a bar and he said to the bartender: "Ey - oh -arhgh - ma - ha!"

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"Excuse me," said the bartender. "Could you repeat that?"

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"Ey - oh -arhgh - ma - ha!" says the man, again.

&#x20


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I brought my car into the chop shop....

.....because every part of it made a noise, except for the horn.

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Nobody believes me when I tell them I can chop down a tree with my own eyes

But I saw it with my own eyes

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Sueycide? (an old joke from my great grandmothers little book from 1924)

Ching Wong Long & Ching Fong Suey
Started in to eat chop suey
They ate & ate until they died
Did they commit "chop sueycide"?

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A karate instructor was arrested after leaving the store

He was charged with chop lifting

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What do you call a pig that does karate?

A pork chop.

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Chopper.

The Chief of Staff of the US Air Force decided to personally recruit some pilots and he saw two young twins.

He looked at the first young man and asked: "Son, what skills can you bring to the Air Force?"

The young man looks at him and says: "I'm a pilot!"

The General gets all excited, turns to his aide and says: “Get him in toda


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Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw

So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language.

He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chop and s


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What's the difference between a baby and an onion?

I cry when I chop up an onion.

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3 mice sitting in a bar

3 mice are sitting at the bar talking about how strong and fearless they are.

The first mouse says “I take the cheese off the mouse trap and as the bar snaps down I get under it and do about 40 bench presses”

The second mouse says “you know the rat poison that’s lying around, I chop it up and snort it like cocaine and it doesn’t affect me&rdq


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I was asked if Id rather have my head chopped off or be burned on a stake.

I answered being burned at the stake, and when asked why, I said “Because a hot steak is better than a cold chop”.

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A construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needs a handsaw

He spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can’t hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language.
He pointed to his eye meaning “I”, pointed to his knee meaning “need”, then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chop and starts


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I can chop wood just by looking at it.

I saw it with my own eyes.

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2 Lumberjacks

2 lumberjacks chop down a tree, but don't know what to do with the wood. One of them suggests they make carpentry, and the other says, "that woodwork."

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I feel sorry for Islamic terrorists.

How many heads do they have to chop off before people in the West accept that Islam is a religion of peace?

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What's the difference between an onion and a dead baby?

Nobody cries when you chop up the baby

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Wolverine can chop off his dick and it will grow back.

He’ll never be an ex man.

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A lumberjack was out in a forest chopping down trees....

He was about to chop down one when it said,"Hey, I'm a talking tree. Down cut me down." So the lumberjack replied,"Well,I guess you'll just dialogue".

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A lumberjack was out in a forest chopping down trees....

He was about to chop down one when it said,"Hey, I'm a talking tree. Down cut me down." So the lumberjack replied,"Well,I guess you'll just dialogue".

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What's the best way to chop firewood?

Axing for a friend.

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Two carrots sit on a roof..

Says the one to the other: Watch out, there's a helichop-chop-chop-chop-...

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What do you call the pigs does karate?

A pork chop :D

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It was Billy Bob's birthday

"I'm calling to report about my neighbor Billy Bob Smith! He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood."

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"Thank you very much for the tip, sir."

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The next day, the FBI agents descend on Billy Bob's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open ever


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What do you call a pig who does karate?

Pork Chop

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The circumcision's taking too long.

Chop chop.

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How do math teachers chop wood?

With axes

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A Chinese man has killed himself using Kung Fu.

It's the first known case of Chop Sueycide

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"We need to speed this up, chop-chop"

is something you should never tell a Saudi Arabian interrogator

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A man wants to chop down a tree in his yard

He goes on Craigslist to buy a tool to cut it down, advertised as the newest and greatest in chopping technology. But when he goes to pick it up from the seller, all he sees is a rusty ax.

"That's not new!" He exclaims.

The seller replies, "sure it is, it's cutting edge."


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Whats the difference between a baby and an onion?

I cry when I chop up an onion

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What do you call a pig who knows karate?

Pork chop

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There was this little guy sitting in a bar

There was this little guy sitting in a bar, drinking his beer, minding his own business when all of a sudden this great big dude comes in and -- WHACK!! -- knocks him off the bar stool and onto the floor. The big dude says, "That was a karate chop from Korea."
The little guy thinks "GEEZ," but he gets back up on the stool and starts drinking again when all of a su


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How do you punish a misbehaving AI?

Chop its bits off.

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A lumberjack goes into a magical forest to chop down some wood..

He goes up to the first tree he sees, and just as he's about to swing, the tree says, "Wait! Don't kill me! I'm a talking tree!"

"Yes," the lumberjack says, "and you'll dialogue."

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So I recently met this really cute girl at a bar....

And I asked her what she expected from a guy she'd be willing to sleep with.

She said: "You're gonna need a Porsche in your garage, a swimming pool in your backyard, 25k a month in your bank and a 25 centimeter penis..."

I told her: "I've got my Cayenne in the garage, a huge swimming pool in my enormous backyard, I make 40k a month, but I


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A woodsman walks into the woods

He finds a nice tree to chop down, AMD upon taking his axe the tree cries out
"WAIT! IM A MAGICAL TALKING TREE, DONT CUT ME DOWN"
He said "You ma uh be a talking tree but you will dialouge."

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What do you call a pig doing karate?

A pork chop.

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Whats the difference between babies and onions?

I cry when I chop up an onion.

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Two construction workers are at a worksite.

One of them on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw. So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language. He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head


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