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Jokes

Guy rubs genie bottle and he gives him 3 wishes but...

The genie tells him there's a catch:
"anything you wish for, your mother-in-law with get double the amount and more!"

Guy is fine with that.

Guy:"I wish I was the richest man in the world!"

Poof, mother in law becomes richest woman in the world.

Guy: "Ok, I want to be the smartest man in the world"


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My friend keeps experimenting with his coffee order

One day he'll try soy milk, then almond milk, then regular milk. So I sat him down and said which one is it? You have to choose. And he said I'm milk curious.

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I asked my mom if I was adopted. She said, "Of course not!..

...why would we choose you?"

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Why do so many Norwegians choose to buy properties with access to running water?

Because those are the properties that are affjordable!

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Knock Knock. Whos there? Pick atch...

Pick atch who?


I choose you.

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Im a master lock picker

No matter how many locks to choose from, can can always pick the right one.

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Mario and Luigi spoke under a cloud. Luigi was upset

"Mario, what are we doing here"?

"We are under a cloud, Luigi"

"When will we get food and water, Mario?"

"When we choose to keep living. When we want to, Luigi"

"But

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How different military branches use stars

The Army sleeps under the stars

The Navy navigates by the stars

And the Airforce choose hotels by the stars

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I had a hard time figuring out what fighting game character to choose...

Quite frankly, it brought me to tiers.

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I've been dating two girls from Vietnam.

They're both super cool, attractive, funny and tick all the right boxes for a perfect partner. The problem is, I have to choose which one I want to be with, which means i'll be letting down at least one fantastic, amazing girl.

It's a complete Nguyen/Nguyen situation for me.

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How do Chinese people choose a name for their kids?

Drop a handful of silverware down the stairs and choose the first three sounds.

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Son: Dad am I adopted?

Dad: Of course not son. You think I’d choose you?

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The Terrible Legend of Bahuda

Three explorers are making their way through a one of those generic jungles that always shows up in these sorts of jokes, when they are suddenly ambushed by a tribe of massive cannibals. (That's "massive" in the sense that they are very large, although they are also particularly passionate about eating other humans.) They are immediately bound and carried back to a village – t


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Me: What's your favourite book?

Her: War and Peace

Me: Okay, but just choose one

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I'll call my kids Bobbie and Charlie.

So they can later choose their gender without having a funny name.

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I am so sorry reddit . . .

I AM HERE TO SAY GOODBYE, I LOVE YOU GUYS SO MUCH! MY WIFE SAYS I AM IN THIS SUBREDDIT EVERY 20 SECONDS, AND SHE CAN'T STAND IT ANYMORE! WE ARGUED AND SHE TOLD ME TO CHOOSE BETWEEN HER OR THE SUBREDDIT. SO I AM GOING TO BE OFFLINE FOR A COUPLE OF MINUTES WHILE I PACK HER BAGS, AND CALL HER A TAXI. I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.


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Your favorite hostess snack cake?

A friend of mine wanted me to choose between Ding Dongs or Ho Hos as my little cake snack...

Looked at her stupid and said “I’d stuff my mouth with a Ding Dong any day before having some nasty Ho Hos”

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Why does everyone choose 'x' as the go-to alphabet in mathematics ?

Duh, Because its easy to x-plane

​

​

*Fckin kill me already*

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Did you know fish choose mates based on smell?

That's why your mum always gets swarmed when she goes fishing

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Would you rather trust your kid with a priest or a crack head?

I’d choose neither.

The priest will molest them,

And the crack head will sell them to the police

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Why did Kawhi choose the Clippers instead of the Raptors?

He wanted to be coached by a Doc instead of a Nurse

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Two guys get captured by a primitive tribe on a remote island.

The first guy is taken to the tribe chief.

The chief says: You have two options: Giri-Giri or death

The first guy thinks to himself: "Anything is better than death."

Guy 1: I choose Giri-Giri

The whole tribe fucks him in the ass for the entire day

He comes to guy 2, all distressed and ragged-looking. He says: When the chief


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There was a gay guy that liked Pokemon.

One day, he saw an attractive male (to him). He said "Dick-achu, I choose you!".

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What do you do when you're from Alabama and you have to choose someone to have sex with?

Pic related.

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Dumb joke alert

There was a guy named Ted who was dumb (couldn't speak).He did not like his name and went to a court to change it .

The lawyer wrote several names and pinned them on a display board. Ted had to choose one of them

The lawyer asked him to point to be no-ted.

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Dumb joke alert

There was a guy named Ted who was dumb (couldn't speak). He did not like his name and went to a court to change it .

The lawyer wrote several names and pinned them on a display board. Ted had to choose one of them

The lawyer asked him to point to be noted.

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I choose to think outside the box

I'm claustrophobic

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Girl at the bar

I was standing at the bar when a girl came up to me."Fancy buying me a drink?" She said,"Sure," I replied. "If you let me choose.""Okay," she grinned. "But how will you know what I want?""Well, it's kind of a talent," I smiled. "All I do is look a girl up and down and I know exactly what drink suits her best.""Okay,&qu


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Why did Elon Musk choose SpaceX to go to Mars?

Because with SpaceY he'd have landed on Uranus.

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5 drunken guys are in a bar when one shouts:

\-I am the emperor chosen by God!

To which the others responded in unison:

\-I did not choose you!!

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My girlfriend gave me an ultimatum that I had to choose between her and my career as a reporter.

I have some breaking news for her.

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A store that sells new husbands has opened in London...

A store that sells new husbands has opened in London where a woman may go to choose a husband.
Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increases as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor or may choose


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-Bah! I wasn't that drunk yesterday...

\- Come on Dad, you threw my hamster out of the window and shouted: Pikachu! I Choose You!

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A woman dies, and arrives to the gates of heaven

An angle comes to greet her:

\-Welcome, you spent your whole life helping others, you spread love, and now, it's reward time.

The woman sees people with wings, and asks the angel:

\-How do I get my wings ?

\-We attach them to you, with screws.

\-Can I choose to go to hell ?

\-Why would you do that? you'll be pu


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I don't get Racism, why would you choose to hate an entire group of people...

Simply because of the way they all behave?

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I let my girlfriend choose the movie we watched last night.

I tried to influence her but in the end it was Sophie’s Choice.

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Choosing a new password

Choose a new password:

potato

Sorry, password must contain at least 8 letters.

boiled potato

Sorry, password must contain at least one number.

1 boiled potato

Sorry, password cannot contain spaces.

50fuckingboiledpotatoes

Sorry, password must contain capital letters.

50FUCKINGboiled


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You can't choose your father...

... but you can choose who you call daddy.



Happy Fathers Day!

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Genie: You have one wish

Guy: I've always wanted to go to England, but I've always been too scared to fly. I think I would like a bridge from America to England.

Genie: That's pretty hard. I dont know if I can do it. Can you choose something else?

Guy: I've always wanted to be able to understand women.

Genie: So about that bridge...


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Would you ever choose to believe a lie? Would you, if I paid you $1000 to believe it? Cuz I will.

Yes I'll believe the lie for $1000. I lied about giving you that money, but you believed it.

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How to choose a bride

A mother was very concerned that her middle-aged son had not shown the slightest indication of getting married. So one day she called him over to her house.

The Son came home from work, grudgingly. Upon arriving, he found that his mother had gathered a few beautiful ladies at the house for him to choose as his future bride.

The FIRST one was a well-endowed Telephonist-cum


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How to choose a bride

A mother was very concerned that her middle-aged son had not shown the slightest indication of getting married. So one day she called him over to her house.
The Son came home from work, grudgingly. Upon arriving, he found that his mother had gathered a few beautiful ladies at the house for him to choose as his future bride.
The FIRST one was a well-endowed Telephonist-cum-Receptionist.


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How do you know being gay isn't a choice?

No one would choose to be gay if they are already black.

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-Congratulations Jack, I heard you got married

How did you choose your wife?
+Well I asked the first one what's 2+2? She answered "It's equal to 5"
The second and third one said 4.
-So which one did you choose?
+The one with bigger tits

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I don't get Racism. Why would you choose to hate an entire group of people?

Simply because of the way they all behave.

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If I had to choose how I died, it'd be like my uncle Jim, in his sleep...

...not like the people screaming in the back of the car to wake up.

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Have you heard of the Pepsi Challenge?

I always choose Coke.

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Why do men choose video games over women?

Video games can be beaten without legal consequences.

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I lost 20 pounds

Bet an Englishman on a soccer game and choose the wrong team.

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If a small town only has two dentists...

Choose the one with the bad teeth

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