Child

Jokes

This is a bit of an offensive joke so be warned

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A husband and wife who work for the circus go to an adoption agency



looking to adopt a child, but the social workers there raise doubts about their suitability.

So the couple produce photos of their 50-foot motor home, which is clean and well maintained and equipped with a beautiful nursery.

The social workers are satisfied by this but then raise concerns about the kind of education a child would receive while in the couple


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We must terminate your child

Doc: Ma’am we must terminate the child

Mom: Why?

Doc: He will grow up to play THE GAME

Bystander 1: Not-

Bystander 2: FORTNITE

(Hears bass boosted default dance music)

Everyone: THE WORLD CRISIS HAS STARTED

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An attractive young woman goes to a mystic guru

An attractive young woman goes to a mystic guru and says: “Oh great guru, please cure me of my ailment guruji!” As the woman was attractive, the mystic guru said “I will cure you my child, but as token of you gratitude, you must go to bed with me.”

She agreed, and the guru had the best sex of his life with the woman.

Then the guru asked “Tell


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Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"

"Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life."

The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why is the groom wearing black?"

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Black and White

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"

"Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life."

The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why is the groom wearing black?"


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A child and a paedophile walk into a creepy, secluded forest.

The child says to the man “I’m scared”.
“You’re scared??? I have to walk back on my own!”

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What is the best sex position to conceive an ugly child??

Ask your mother

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TIL a school of piranha can devour a small child in 30 seconds...

anyway, I lost my job at the aquarium today.

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Dont Lick the Spoon

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A pregnant woman goes to a doctor for an ultrasound.

\-How is the baby, doctor?

\-Well, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that your child will always have a parking spot.

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Whatever You Do, Dont Lick the Spoon.

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Child: Dad, I'm so happy, I got a B in reading!

Dad: That's a D you idiot!

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A dad is asking his child to help him carry stuff the child says his hands are full

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One of my favorite things memories as a child is when my dad would roll me down the hill in a tire.

Those were the good years.

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As a child, I was obsessed with the difference between cosine and sine,

but as I got older I realized it was just a phase.

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Gay couple?

As a child of a gay couple I always thought I was immune to Yo Mama jokes.

Until someone said: Yo Mama so ugly, your dad had to get a husband

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To be clear, as a child I never saw my grandfather shootup heroin

I'd just tie him off and watch whatever movie I wanted

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So a man was thinking about what his wife said about pregnancy.

His wife had just been arguing with him the child birth is more painful then getting hit in the balls.
He politely thought about it from both angles and realized he was right all along. Because if a woman gives birth after about a year or two she says "wouldn't it be nice to have another child", but most men never say "wouldn't it be nice to get hit in the balls agai


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An unborn child was charged with a crime it didn't commit and sentenced to death

Both sides argued it was a miscarriage of justice.

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What do you call a club for child molesters

Prison

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Whats the difference between the WNBA and child porn?

I actually like watching child porn

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A priest is sitting inside the church, when a guy comes in and asks to be confessed.

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I once went to see a magician called Machine Gun Kelly

Not only did he blow the minds of the audience but he also kidnapped a child.

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We're just fucking kids Mom!

Mean very different things if you're a child or an adult.

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As the child of a gay couple i thought i was immune to yo mama jokes

Until someone said yo mama so ugly your dad had to get a husband

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I first heard this one different (read racist) but I think I fixed it

A family of a well known rapper are sitting at the table. Mom, dad and a small child in a high chair.
Suddenly, the child focuses a lot and with effort says: "Mother."

"Look!" exclaims the rapper. "He can say half a word!"

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If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, they are resisting a rest.

But if they do fall asleep, you could be charged with a kidnapping.

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My neighbor got upset today that my wife (who runs a nursery) was breastfeeding our child before feeding theirs...

I guess she thought it was nipotism

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I finally understand why parents dont want their kids to get vaccinated. It all comes down to fear. Fear that their child is

going to definitely end up smarter than them.

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What do you give an armless child for Christmas?

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Nobody enjoys swearing during sex

Who wants to hear that sort of language from a child?

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What do you call having a child with a guy called Greg?

Being gregnant.

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If everyone is a child of God...

...then Jesus isn't all that special, really.

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Me:Japanese actresses are not as beautiful as the Korean ones.

Japanese dude:They all had plastic surgery,that is unfair!

Me:(Took out some photos of Korean and Japanese child actresses)But the Japanese child actress still look worse.

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Why was the anti-vaxxers 4 year old child crying?

Midlife crisis.


Note: th

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My wife and child left me due to my horse racing addiction

Aaaand they're off

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Here's a list of what women have filled in at the birth registration in the U.K :

1. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced.

2. I have never had sex with a man. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was immaculate and that he is


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A man is talking to 3 catholic priests

They are in a quiet room together with the man, The man tells them to leave the room IF they have molested a child. After this, 2 of the priests leave the room with only the 1 remaining, then the man yells "TAKE THE DEAF BASTARD WITH YA!"

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I saw a lady who looked tired carrying an infant.

I saw a lady who looked tired carrying an infant. When I suggested she put the baby down, she looked at the child and said, "You sure are one ugly kid."

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History of Abuse

In Dallas Tx- A fifteen-year old boy was at the center of Dallas Tx courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him.
The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulation requiring that family unity be maintained to the highest degree possible.


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What did the Muslim child say to his mother after it had been caught stealing the second time?

"Look mom, no hands."

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What do you call a situation with a priest and a child?

Predicktable.

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If a priest molests a child...

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I was driving by a sign that said "SLOW - School Zone" when it hit me...

A child to be exact.

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Parents in 2019 still fear their child will be bullied

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When an Asian child get a B instead of A in their test.

Asian parents : "Don't call yourself an Asian, you're Bsibn now"

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What's small, yellow and makes 'cheep-cheep' noises?

A child prostitute in Bangkok

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My dyslexic girlfriend wants to turn christian

I said it was a bad idea

But she's keen on becoming a child of dog

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A Dirty Joke For you kind strangers

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