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Jokes

Drunk driver

A preacher was driving home late one night.

A little ways down the road he noticed the car in front of him was swerving a lot. Must be a drunk driver he thought.

The preacher went to pass him and the drunk swerved over.

Trying to avoid an accident, the preacher swerves out of the way and his car starts to flip. It flips several times. Well the drunk drive


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There is this new Swedish Group that mixes comedy and music, and they are really good!

For those who want to check them out they're called ABBA and Costello

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SMS

I was on sofa next to my wife who was eating and typing on her phone. So I heard my phone ringing at the kitchen where I was charging it. So I went to check , the sms was from my wife and she wrote "bring the salt on your way back."

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A buzzard carrying two dead badgers tried to check in at the airport for his flight.

The gate attendant told him, "Sorry sir, but you're only allowed one carrion."

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A hyena walks up to the check in counter in an airport...

... and throws a rotting gazelle onto the desk. The counter person shouts "what is this?" and the hyena says "it's my carrion".

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So I got fired from the bank today.

An old lady came in and asked me to check her balance.

I just pushed her over.

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Bill gates dies

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A man comes home from work

He finds his wife laying on the bed sweating and breathing heavily

Husband: What's going on, are you cheating on me?

Wife: No, I think I'm having a heart attack!

So the man runs to the landline to call for an ambulance and one of his kids comes up to him

Child1: Dad, Uncle Larry is standing naked in the closet!

So the husba


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Man 1: "driving down a highway" check out that flock of cows!

Man 2: flock?

Man 1: yeah? What's wrong?

Man 2: its herd

Man 1: herd?

Man 2: yeah, herd of cows

Man 1: of course I've heard of cows. Theres a flock of them over there!

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I Take enough Lutein a day to kill and aye aye... but

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I lost my job at the bank.

An elderly woman asked me to check her balance. Turns out it wasn't that good.

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This 12 year old boy was in bed when he heard his mother moaning.

He decided that he'd go see whats wrong with her.

When he looked in his mothers room he saw that she was laying on her bed naked and rubbing herself and saying, "I need a man, I need a man."

So this quite a few times and then one night he heard his mother again, but this time her moaning sounded different, so he went to go check it out, this time instea


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How do you know if you're in bed with a loose woman?

Check for the ABC's: Her eyes appear A-mused, her face Be-mused, and her coochie C-mused

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A doctor went into a mental asylum to check on some new patients that were transferred from another asylum.

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"Goodvibes" - warning not for faint of heart

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A misunderstanding in a mental hospital

A doctor in a mental hospital makes an apology to a patient: "You can go now. We are so sorry for this misunderstanding, I regret that we did not check your ID, Mr. Pope."

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Me and my friend riding in a car

Friend: Check out this new song I got.

Me:*hears nothing* But I can't hear anything!

Friend: That's why it's called 'Silence of the Amps'.

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Check this video out!!! :D

[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uUR\_oDG5dfQ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uUR_oDG5dfQ)

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Jessica buys a TV

Jessica wanted to buy a Television so she orders one. the salesman brings the set to her home and even installs it for her.
He also gave her a quick introduction on how to use menu/settings and what features does TV remote provides etc. while explaining how powerful the remote is, he actually went on the third floor of the building and changed the channel on TV that's inside Jessica


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Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to help check her balance.

So I pushed her over.

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Do you think the expression "take a rain check" is especially apt among people who participate in golden showers?

"I can't pee on you today, let's take a rain check."

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Today at the bank an old lady asked me to check her balance

So I pushed her over

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My teachers told me I should pay attention and check my grammar.

Like what the heck nana has been dead for years now

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The Trophy Girlfriend.

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Did you know that there's actually a word for someone who thinks they know everything, rushes to judgement, says they're a skeptic yet believes what they see posted online, and is too lazy to actually look up information for themselves to check if something is false?

A Redditor

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So my rich brother in law bought a Jag. And one day while he was at a stop light

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A guy at a bar goes up onto the stage at an open mic night.

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Today at the bank an old lady asked me to check her balance...

So I pushed her over.

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An old lady asked me to check her balance

So I pushed her.

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Today at the bank an old lady asked me to help check her balance.

So i pushed her over.

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Check out my no content channel

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An old lady asked me to check her balance at the bank

I shoved her over

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What do the Aussie say when he saw the chessboard?

Check, mate.

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I went for a prostate check the other day

Me: doc how does it look

Doctor: what an arsehole!

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Corporal punishment

Person 1: Do you think corporal punishment should be reinstated in schools?

Person 2: Corporal punishment? Nah, I want capital punishment in schools. A gallows on every playground, that'll keep the rascals in check

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After giving me my check, I asked my waitress oh so you just want the tip? She rolled her eyes...

She was really pissed when I only paid 20% of my tab.

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A fat man goes for a medical check-up.

Doctor: "If that stomach was on a woman she'd have to be pregnant"

Man: "It was, and she is"

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Have you ever been so happy that it didn't matter that the person in front of you took 5 minutes to write a check at the grocery store?

Because I haven't.

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I never really got how twat was an insult.

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Did you know if you play "don't tread on me" by metalica, it will scare off a cougar?

I decided to check to see if it was true by going to a bar and played the song.

Sure enough all the older ladies left.

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Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to help check her balance. So I pushed her over. Did i do anything wrong?

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An old lady at the bank asked me to check her balance

So I pushed her over

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A panda walks in to a restaurant

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Here's one joke:

**Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to help check her balance. So I pushed her**

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Was recently in line at the bank when an elderly lady asked me if I could help her check her balance..

So I pushed her over

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Today at the bank an old lady asked me to check her balance.

So I pushed her over.

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Genie

I found a genie lamp on my way home. I put it in my bag hoping to check it out at home.
When i reached home the first thing i did was to take it out and rub it.
After i came i took out the lamp from my bag

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Best way to check

if you believe that your country forgot about you, try and not pay your taxes

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Two hunters are out in the woods when one falls unconscious

The other hunter calls 911.

“Hello I’m out hunting with my friend but he fell and he ain’t moving.”

“Ok sir calm down. First, check for sure if he is dead.”

A gunshot is heard over the phone.

“Ok now what?”

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A guy's car breaks down on a rural road...

He was looking around under the hood when a cow walked up and said, "check the carburetor".
The guy walked over to a farmer who was working nearby, and told him about the cow.
"Well, I wouldn't get too excited...", said the farmer, "that cow don't know anything about cars."


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