Certificate

Jokes

What do you get when you break the world record for not moving for the longest amount of time?

A certificate and atrophy.

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My education

Don't know if it fits here perfectly but my education is a joke.

German Politicians: Why don't we have any educators?

German educators education: weeeeeell, you need to
- pay school
- pay for extra subjects
- pay for a management certificate every year
- have 5 years of education and still earn less then someone with 2 years
- you


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On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife.

The certificate paid for a visit to a herbalist living nearby, who was rumoured to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.

After some discussion with his wife, the man made a visit to the herbalist and handed his voucher over wondering what he was in for. The elderly herbalist handed a potion to the man, and with a grip on his shoulder warned him.

"This is a


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My penis is so big...

...it’s got a girth certificate

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Husband: "What are you doing?"


Wife: "Nothing."
Husband: "Nothing? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour."
Wife: "I was looking for the expiration date

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3 Guys are sat together

The first, Steve, turns to his mates and says
"Guys, I think I might have the smallest head in the world"

The others agree, and the second guy, John, says
"You know what, I think I might have the smallest arm"

Again, they all agree. So the third guy, Pete, says
"Fellas, I'm pretty sure I've got the world's smalle


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Whats something you absolutely cant live without?

A birth certificate

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My dad always carried around with him a piece of paper which listed all his mistakes.

He called it my birth certificate.

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Here is your Honor Roll certificate.

Only 90s kids will get this.

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My mother died a few years ago. I recently came across her death certificate and had a brilliant idea!

"I know how we can bring mom back!" I exclaimed. "Get me a Sharpie!"

My sister, looked at me confused, "Why?"

I pointed to the border of the certificate, "It says 'void if altered'!"

​

(This actually happened and my sister didn't find it very funny. But we each deal with grief


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GallowBoob and the Three Dwarves.

One day, three dwarves were talking amongst themselves and they decided that they each have one of the smallest body parts in the world. One says he has the smallest hands, one says he has the smallest feet, and one says he has the smallest penis. They decide to make it official and go to Guiness World Records to get verified.

First, the dwarf with the smallest hands walk in. After so


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My dad carries around a piece of paper where he keeps a list of all his mistakes.

It is my birth certificate.

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A wife notices her husband thoroughly reading a piece of paper

She goes to him and sees that he’s been reading their marriage certificate. She asks,

Wife: What are you looking for?

Husband: Nothing.

Wife: What do you mean nothing? You’ve been at it for the past two hours.

Husband: Oh, I was checking if it has an expiration date.

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A guy and a girl are lying in bed after a hookup.

"Listen," the guy says, "do you have that certificate that says you don't have STDs?"
"Yeah, I do."
"Well you can throw that away"

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I tried to be romantic and gave my wife a certificate for our anniversary

I wrote that she can have great sex anyway she wants it.
She jumped up kissed me on the forehead and said she’ll be back in a couple of hours.

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A birth certificate is basically an apology from the condom factory.

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Your mum is so old...

Inspired by u/Hilmekru's you mom is so far joke

Your mum is so old her birth certificate can be found in a series of cave paintings.

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A prostitute? Awesome!!!

Irish Prostitute

Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return her Father cursed her heavily.

'Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother through?'

The girl, crying, replied, Dad... I became a prostitute.'


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Guinness World Records.

So there are three people walking down the street in their hometown. Lets call them r/jokes, r/askscience, and r/tooafraidtoask. One of them says, hey you heard about that new store in town? The other one says yeah, the Guinness book of world records and they are taking new contestants. Well r/jokes says that's sweet, I bet I'm the funniest person in the world. So he goes into the shop a


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Jump in


Male: I just joined the prostitute club
Friend: there is no such club
Male: yes there is and I have a certificate to prove it (shows certificate to friend)
Friend:it doesn’t say “prostitute club”, it says “parachute club”
Male:damn and I just signed up for 300 jumps!

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On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife.

The certificate paid for a visit to a herbalist living nearby, who was rumoured to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.

After some discussion with his wife, the man made a visit to the herbalist and handed his voucher over wondering what he was in for. The elderly herbalist handed a potion to the man, and with a grip on his shoulder warned him.

"This is a


read more
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DOWNVOTE

On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife.

The certificate paid for a visit to a herbalist living nearby, who was rumoured to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.

After some discussion with his wife, the man made a visit to the herbalist and handed his voucher over wondering what he was in for. The elderly herbalist handed a potion to the man, and with a grip on his shoulder warned him.

"This is a


read more
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The condom factory sent a couple an letter of apology.

It was a birth certificate.

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After a 40$ fee, I got a certificate that says i can never be scammed online again!

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Birth certificate.


You birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.

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The ultimate restaurant

A restaurant has a sign hanging outside that states " Order absolutely anything and if we cant serve it to you, you get $500". A guy walking past sees this, intrigued, he enters and asks the concierge "So if I order absolutely anything and you dont have it, I get $500...and I can order absoultely anything? " "That is correct sir" replied the concierge. He sits at a ta


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3 men are chatting in a bar.

3 men are chatting in a bar.


Says 1 of the men "do you know what is amazing? I have very small ears, it could well be the smallest ears in the world".

When the second man says "I have something like that, but I have very small feet, could well be the smallest feet in the world!"

The 3rd man says "I bet I have the smallest penis


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Why did Kanye West get lost on his way to the studio?

Instead of a map he followed his birth certificate.

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I wish I wasn't an asshole to the woman that took my Virginity. I have to get a passport,

And she won't let me pick up my birth certificate

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I was part of a group project

With my wife.

I only put in 30 seconds of work but I still put my name on the birth certificate.

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On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife...

The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation that was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction. After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man, and wondered what he was in for.

The medicine man slowly, methodically produced a potion, handed it to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warne


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Your birth certificate

It was sent to your parents as a sorry letter

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What do you need to do if your birth certificate gone missing?

[deleted]

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Old Lady: "Harold? What are you doing with my birth certificate at 3 in the morning?"

Old Man: "Oh, I'm just fawning over how beautiful your name is, darling."

Old Lady: "Harold! That is incredibly sweet of you!"

Old Man: "Well, what can I say? I'm incredibly lucky to have married the woman I love, and that she could have such a beautiful name as... uh..."

*squints and looks at paper*

&quo


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I asked my Dad to tell me the best joke he had ever made so I could post on Reddit

I'm uploading my birth certificate now.

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On his 70th birthday, a man was given a gift certificate from his wife.

The certificate was for a consultation with a medicine man living in a nearby village who was rumored to have a simple cure for erectile dysfunction. The husband went to the village and saw the medicine man.

The old medicine man gave him a potion and, with a firm grip on his shoulder, warned "This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say: ‘1-2-3.&#


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Why won't Donald Trump release his real birth certificate?

Because he doesn't want anyone to know his birthname was Shirley Adolf Drumpf. SAD!

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On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife...

The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation that was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction. After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man, and wondered what he was in for.
The medicine man slowly, methodically produced a potion, handed it to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, 


read more
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On his 74th birthday, an old man received a gift certificate from his wife...

The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.

After being persuaded to go, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man and wondered what he was in for.

The old man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, "This is


read more
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So we were all high and my room mate rolled up joints with my degree certificate

We pretty much smoked up and blew out my career.... :(

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TIL that Kim Kardashian's giant ass has it's own birth certificate, and even has a legal name:

Kanye.

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Donald Trump was really bragging about how big his penis was last night.

Obama doesn't believe him. He's now calling for the release of his Girth Certificate.

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What did Obama say to Trump?

show me your schlong form birth certificate

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What can turn a fox into an elephant?

A marriage certificate.

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What is the one document that managed to stump the trump?

Obama's birth certificate.

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You're so ugly...

your birth certificate is a letter of apology.

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Wife: "What are you doing?" Husband : Nothing. Wife : "Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour." Husband : "I was looking for the expiration date."

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Lawyer

In a murder trial, the defense attorney was cross-examining the coroner:

"Before you signed the death certificate, did you take the pulse, listen to the heart or check for breathing?"

"No."

"So, when you signed the death certificate, you weren't sure the man was dead, were you?"

"Well, the man's brain


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Husband Wife Funny

Wife: "What are you doing?" Husband : Nothing. Wife : "Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour." Husband : "I was looking for the expiration date."

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What's your birth certificate?

An apology from the condom factory!

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