Center

Jokes

It was entertainment night at the Senior Center.

Claude the hypnotist exclaimed: 'I'm here to put you into a trance; I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience.'

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.

'I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch.

It's a very special watch.

It&


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What do you call it when someone starts acting like an angry center divider?

They're in mean median mode.

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Cemeteries always have the best location.

The dead center of town.

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In a bar

Everyone is chilling in a bar listening to jokes. Then this guy stands up and say: "Can i tell a joke?". Everyone in the bar is like: "ok". So this guy go in the center of the bar with a mic and just say: "My dick, my sentimental life, my happiness".

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I hate my job at the can recycling center.

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I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, my pension, the high cost of housing...

... so I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in the Mid East and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.

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TIFU

...by wedging my dick in the center hole of a DVD.

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I went to a dog rescue center last night

Or as it's better known around here a singles bar

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I just joined a group called D.I.C.K.

It stands for International Center for Dyslexic Kids

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What does a pulley like the best about its position?

Being the center of a tension.

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A man who escaped from a mental health center walks into a bar...

A man who escaped from a mental health center walks into a bar and takes the kids.


Or at least he thought it was a bar. The psycho takes them to an abandoned church and starts to fuck them.

"Am I a bad man? Am I a good sex mate?" He says.

"Both." said all of his cousins.

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Two dudes chilling in the World Trade Center...

Dude 1 : Hey Dude 2, can you check our last stock purchase again please?

Dude 2 : Sure.. *pulls out phone* wait why the fuck am I getting airplane wifi?...

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What's the one place in the world where the far right and the far left don't bicker?

Center City, Minnesota.

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If Rihannas secretly shy...

...then I’m secretly a pro basketball center (I’m 5’8).

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The swear counter5000

Some scientists created a machine that automatically counts people's swears when it's near them, the machine was a big circle with arrows in the middle that would point to the number of swears.

So they bring it to a office building and after a couple days they come back and see the counter is in the 80s.

They then take it to a restaurant and when they come back


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How many licks would it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?

The world may never know

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What do you call an Oreo with milk in the center?

An Oreola

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What does a pulley like best about its position?

Being the center of a tension.

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Seen one large indoor shopping center...

... seen a mall

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My SO walked by an extremely Rusted sign for the Magnet Development Center

Ah, the irony.

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The sea level is going to rise 7 feet by 2100....

...I think he could play center in the NBA.

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Went to the garden center today and bought a Christmas Tree. The assistant asked me, Will you be putting that up yourself?

I replied, “No, I’ll be putting it up in my living room.”

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Why did the World Trade Center hate Dominos

They gave them 2 large plane instead of pepperoni

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Whats Thanos favourite position in football?

Center, so he can snap.

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At the job center

"So, it says here you have been fired for having sex at your job... TWICE."

"I guess I was neither suited to be a mortician, nor a vet."

"So, what do you want to be now?"

"A nursery teacher."

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A man and his son are walking by a recycling center when the son notices how forlorn all the workers seem to be.

“Dad, why do they all look so down?”

“Son, you would be too if you had to smash pop cans all day long. It’s soda pressing.”

Sorry

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What is the center of all memes?

Memephis

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A tourist is at a tour at a space center.

Inside the VAB, the tour guide says,”This is a decoupler!”

The tourist says,”I thought you were separating rockets not people!”

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What does a Hindi man do when he gets married?

He scratches the dot of his wife to see if he's won a motel, a gas station, or a job at a call center xd

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Why did the Cure got kicked out of the HIV test center?

She was spreading positivity.

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What does a pulley like best about its position?

Being the center of a tension.

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What do Joe Biden and my balls have in common?

Those both sit slightly left of center.

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What language do they speak at the center of the earth?

Corean

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What do professional athletes and Data Center Engineers have in common?

They go to work to be surrounded by fans.

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What do professional sports players and Data Center Engineers have in common?

[deleted]

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How long does it take to draw a line through a circle without going through the center?

About a secant

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What do you call an all female workout center?

An OB-GYM

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Im sick of all of these instagram models working out and taking pictures of themselves just the be the center of attention.

I only workout for the most Nobel reason. So I can watch all of the people I hate die before me.

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Barney, a news reporter in Texas, invites his friends over for Jigsaw puzzle night once a month

While taking breathtaking photos on the job he selects one and turns it into a 1,000 piece puzzle each month and invites his friends to figure out what the photo is of as they put it together. This month Barney visited an old school building that was repurposed into an awesome center for poor and abandoned children to keep them safe, happy and fed. It had a wonderful medical center, library, phone


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My mom took me to the facility where all her sisters work...

I asked her “what is this? A center for aunts?”

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Instant Cure

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Lifeline.
I got a call center in Pakistan , and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.

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Lasik Eye Surgery

A few years ago, I finally decided to get Lasik Eye Surgery. I had been going to the same eye doctor for a few years, and she told me I was a good candidate for it. She tells me I need to get a topography test which couldn't be done at her office. Instead, she sent me to the Eye Center at a local hospital. While I was there, I asked if this was same building I would go when it came time f


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How many North Koreans does it take to get to a center of a tootsie pop?

I would say, but I dont want my tree branch to get nuked.

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R. Kelly has requested to transfer holding cell location

To a youth detention center

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I took my grandma to a fish spa center where the little fish eat your dead skin for only $45.

It was way cheaper than having her buried in the cemetery.

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Do you know how coldbrew coffee is actually made?

A bunch of swaggalicious hipster dudes stand together in a circle making plans together. They may also discuss recent achievements or unrelated awesome things. When a plan is decided on, or a story reaches its conclusion, all the cool beans fall into a bucket in the center. These are then ground and brewed into coffee as though they were normal beans. Voila! Coldbrew coffee!


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I looked up the nearest recycling center in my area in google maps and asked for directions,

It opened up this subreddit.

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What language do they speak at the center of the earth?

Core-ean

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Ice, Ice baby!

In the 90s it was a corny rap song
Now it's 3 people at a detention center

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What language do they speak at the center of the earth?

Corean

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