Casually

Jokes

At the food court today, I was behind this lady arguing with a food vendor.

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A student is writing an exam.

As the time runs out, the teacher says: "Pens down!"

The students put their pens down and start putting their exams on a pile on the teachers desk and leaving.

When almost all students are out the teacher notices one student still writing.

"I said pens down, I'm failing you for this!"

The studend stops writing and casuall


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A guy is standing on the corner of the street smoking one cigarette after another.

A lady walking by notices him and says, "Hey, don't you know that those things can kill you? I mean, didn't you see the giant warning on the box?!"


"That's OK," says the guy, puffing casually, "I'm a computer programmer."


"So? What's that got to do with anything?"


&quo


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So a man casually walked into a bar when he was stopped...

...by a brick wall and broke his nose.

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I have an American friend who lived in Bolivia for 7 years

Last night my buddy casually said to him

“I think I saw you on my neighbors roof last night.”

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"Kneel before me!" demands a portly king. All present kneel, except for one peasant who remains standing casually. Outraged, the king points his scepter at this peasant and barks, "You there, why do you not kneel!?" The peasant responds,

"Considering how long it'd take you even just to get out of that chair, there's clearly no need to rush."

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Whats the difference between a well dressed man riding a bicycle and a casually dressed man riding a tricycle?

Attire

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A man got in the bus with two tickets.

So, I casually asked him who is he traveling with. He told me he was traveling alone.

Me: Then, why the second ticket?
Him: In case I lose one.
Me, confused and trying to mock him: What if you lose both?

Him: Why do you think I have a bus-pass made?

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My girlfriends have all had a problem in bed....

I’ve had a lot of girlfriends over the last couple of years, but they’ve all come to nothing because we broke up over sex-related issues. Like my first:

I wanted to try anal with my first girlfriend, but she was too busy getting caught up on all the smallest details.

I wanted to try doggy with my second girlfriend, but she was too sniffing the neighbours'


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A racist man walks into a bar...

He sees a black man sitting casually at the side, and is disgusted by the sight of him.

He then waves to the bartender and says, "I'd like to order a beer for everyone here except the black guy."

As everyone else is treated to a beer, he looks back at the black man in hopes of getting a reaction out of him.

The black man still sits casually, th


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Vladimir Putin is taking Donald Trump on a private tour of the Moscow Zoo.

While they're passing through the petting zoo section, they see a little lamb who has gotten its head stuck in a fence and is trapped.

Putin, eager to show off his masculinity, drops his trousers and proceeds to penetrate the lamb forcefully with his penis, to the shock of Trump, who can only watch, stunned into silence.

After he finishes, he tucks his penis back in


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A man goes to his eye doctor for an examination.



They start talking as the doctor is examining his eyes. In the middle of their conversation, the doctor casually says, "You need to stop masturbating."


The man replies, "Why Doc? Am I going blind?"


The doctor says, "No, but you're upsetting the other patients in the waiting room."

&am


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Michael Jackson, Jared Fogle, and Bill Cosby walk into a bar and see Chris Hansen.

Michael cautiously sits down.

​

Jared hauls ass immediately.

​

Bill casually sits down and says "He can't bust me. I only rape adults."

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My favorite joke

A man walks into a bar

He goes and finds a seat at the bar

"What'll you have"? The bartender asks.

"Gin and tonic". Replies the man, weary from long day at work.

The bartender obliges, and the man sits and enjoys his drink. As he unwinds and watches the football game on TV, he hears the bell of the door ring as it opens.


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So me and a friend were casually talking about beastiality...

He mentioned how he looked it up a bunch the other day.

So I asked him, “How far down the rabbit hole did you go?”

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A couple mountainsclimbers where walking on a glacier.

One says too the other:"look my tour guide fell in that ravine last time I was up here". The other mountainclimber looks perplexed. "Why do you mention that so casually"? The first mountainclimber shrugs and says:"well it was already missing a couple pages".

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LONG When i was little i threw a piece of wood at my friend and she had to get stitches.

We were neighbours and she and I were boyfriend and girlfriend (but we were 2-3 years old and had no idea what that meant). After I threw a piece of wood at her eyebrow she had to get stitches. My mom and I felt bad so we bought a toy and went to her house to apologise. Apologies were made and my mom and her mom got chatting. My mom casually says: "you could never do something like that, coul


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Two men walking down the street, see a dog in the grass.

The dog is casually licking his balls without a care in the world.
One man turns to the other and says, "Boy I sure wish I could do that!."
The other man replies,"Yeah, but you'll probably have to pet him first."

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Pompous Old Windbag

A lieutenant is attending an officer function, and the major general is giving a speech. The lieutenant remarks to the woman standing next to him, "What a pompous old windbag. He doesn't even have the sense to fart out the right end anymore." The woman huffs, gathers herself up and says, "Do you know who I **am**?", to which the lieutenant responds, "No, I don't.


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A guy walks into a bar and notices a good looking woman.

He walks up to her a says "I would like to fuck you".

The woman, visually disgusted by this simply says "fuck off".

The man does not seem too concerned, and casually grabs her by the pussy.

The woman immediately begins to blush and says "I'm sorry, I didnt realise you were famous".


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Why isnt there any outrage on using dumb so casually

Dumb people can't speak

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Semen: The ultimate teeth whitener.

This girl I know mentioned that she wants to whiten her teeth. I casually mentioned that semen is the best teeth whitener. She seemed a bit skeptical until I offered her proof. The trick obviously worked for Ryan Seacrest.

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Relationship Goals

Relationship is easy when spouses know each other. Here are 2 classic examples:

1) A husband comes home after attending a club meeting.

He tells his wife, "Dear, there was a drinking competition after meeting today."

His wife spontaneously, "Who got the second position?"

2) A wife tells her husband, "Dear, there was a let


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The prostate exam

The day before his prostate exam, a one-eyed man accidentally swallowed his glass eye. There didn't seem to be any side-effects, so he sort of casually forgot about it. On the day of his exam, he undresses and bends over. Dr. takes a look, sees the eye and says "Sir, you're really gonna have to just trust me.".


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Love is so confusing...

The word "love" is thrown around so casually, no wonder it's a confusing concept. I mean, I love my girlfriend, my mother, and a good lasagna but I'd really only have sex with two of those.

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So a man walks into a bar and sees a guy with 6 beers sitting at the bar

So he walks over to the bar and casually asked the guy "6 beers?! What's the occasion?"

The guy glances up and says "celebrating my first blowjob."

The man gets excited and says "Congratulations! Lemme buy you another one for the occasion!"

The guy replied, "No thanks, if 6 beers won't get that taste out of my mout


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I fell asleep in biology class today...

The teacher woke me up and I casually told him that I was studying my inner eyelid.

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Johnnys girlfriend was in labor

Johnny’s girlfriend was in labor with their first child. She was shouting out, “Get this out of me? Give me the drugs.”

She looked at him and said, “You did this to me you *******!”

He casually replied, “If you would care to remember, I wanted to stick it up your *** but you said, ‘it’ll be too painful!’.”


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A racist man walks into a bar...

He sees a black man sitting casually at the side, and is disgusted by the sight of him.

He then waves to the bartender and says, "I'd like to order a beer for everyone here except the black guy."

As everyone else is treated to a beer, he looks back at the black man in hopes of getting a reaction out of him.

The black man still sits casually, th


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Money or Sex which one?

A woman preparing to leave her husband casually informs him, "I'm going to become a hooker. I can make $300 for what I give you for free." "I'm coming with you," the man replies. "I want to see you live on $600 a year."

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Drive through counter was being robbed...

While she was held at gunpoint, a cop car shows up at the counter.

Cops : Can we have 2 burgers.

Lady : give the burgers casually and passes a note that says "we have two armed men inside"

Cops : *reads the note* ofcourse they are two armed, how can one armed men make burgers O__o

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So i was just casually walking in the park...

When i saw a black guy running with a TV under his arm


Worried it might be mine I sprinted home, opened my door and ran to the living room


Thank god it was still there polishing my shoes

Edit: spelling error

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A guy walks into a brothel...

And tells the Madam that his wife hasn't done anything with him in months and that he's starving to get off. The madam kindly let's him know that all of the women are taken, but she leans in close and let's him know that if he's really starving for action that he can go in the far room in the back and that he'll find something that may satisfy him.

Perpl


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International Businessmen

A Catholic, a Protestant, a Muslim and a Jew were discussing business during a dinner.

Catholic: "I have a large fortune... I am going to buy CITIBANK!"
Protestant: "I am very wealthy and will buy GENERAL MOTORS!"
Muslim: "I am a fabulously rich prince... I intend to purchase SABIC*!"

They then all wait for the Jew to speak...


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A guy goes to his eye doctor for an examination.

They start talking as the doctor is examining his eyes. In the middle of their conversation, the doctor casually says, "You need to stop masturbating."

The guy replies, "Why Doc? Am I going blind?"

The doctor says, "No, but you're upsetting the other patients in the waiting room."


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What's the difference between a formally-dressed man riding a unicycle and a casually-dressed man riding a bicycle?

Attire.

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A vampire visits the same bar every evening...

and always orders the same thing, a Bloody Mary. This continues for several months until one day the vampire walks in and orders a glass of ice water, to the great surprise of the bartender.

"Why the sudden change? Did I not mix the Bloody Mary right yesterday?"

"Oh no," the vampire replies, casually pulling a used tampon out of his pocket and drop


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Money or Sex

A woman preparing to leave her husband casually informs him, "I'm going to become a hooker. I can make $400 for what I give you for free."

"I'm coming with you," the man replies. "I want to see you live on $800 a year."

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Two Irish men are sitting in bar in New York....

The one Irish man turns to the other and asks him where he is from. The second Irish man responds by saying, " I'm from northern Ireland."
"Me too!" Says the first Irish man. He proceeds to ask the second Irish man where he went to school.
"St. Mary's Catholic church"
"Me too! What year did you graduate?"
"1974"<


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A blonde, a brunette, and a red head are in an elevator...

The brunette notices some cum dripping down the far wall. The red head exclaims, "Fucking gross, what man would do that?! "

The blonde strolls over, casually puts her tongue to the wall and licks some of the cum up. She then declares "Not any man in this building."

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Guy tip:

If your girlfriend has a really annoying friend, don't tell her how bothersome she is or to stop being friends with her. Just casually mention how attractive she is.

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The Oldest Profession

A lawyer, engineer and physician are debating the oldest profession over drinks.

“Medicine is the oldest," declared the doctor, "because in Genesis God surgically removed Adam's rib to create Eve."

"That's true," agreed the Engineer sitting down her beer, "but even earlier God created the universe out if chaos, and that


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How many girlfriends have you had before me?

She asked casually, as she sat on the edge of my bed pretending to be interested in my Warhammer catalogue.

Fucking stupid question.

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A new professor is starting at Harvard.

Being fresh and a little lost he approaches a student and asks casually, "Where's the library at?". The student snidely replies that, "This is Harvard and we don't end sentences with a preposition here!". "Ok.", he says. "Where's the library at, asshole?"


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A man takes his foreign friend to his first ever baseball game.

The first guy up to bat hits a line drive to the corner and he tears around the bases for a triple. The next guy up gets walked and he casually trots to first. The guys friend asks why the second batter is walking to first when the first guy was running. The man says,"It's because he got four balls."

His friend says,"Wow! I wouldn't want to run either!"


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Three friends were casually talking.

-I bumped into my Russian friend yesterday
-Vladislav?
-Baby don't hurt me, don't hurt me, no more!

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A guy is walking around a county fair...

He comes to a stand advertising "Magic Peaches."

Well, he gets curious and asks the vendor, "Hey man, what's this all about?"

The Vendor replies casually, "I've got a peach here that tastes like anything you can think of."

"Bullshit," the man says. "Give me one that tastes like peanut butter and jelly, t


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A koala bear breaks in to a prostitutes home,

And starts to perform oral sex on her. He does his thing and when he is done he jumps up and heads for the door. The prostitute stops him and demands pay. The koala bear is bewildered. So she grabs a dictionary and opens it up to prostitute. Under the heading the find "a woman or man who sells sex for money." Unfazed the koala casually thumbs back to koala and points. Under the heading t


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Two men get into a car wreck...

Both men are all right and meet to exchange information. The older man offers the younger man a drink to calm his nerves while they wait for the insurance investigator to arrive.

"Thanks for that drink, sir," the younger man says, emptying the little bit left in the bottle. "That was pretty scary."

"Don't thank me," the older man repli


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Lady in labour, shouting the usual shit, "Get this out of me! Give me the drugs!" She turns to her boyfriend and says, "You did this to me, you fucker!"

He casually replies, "If you remember, I wanted to stick it up your arse, but you said, 'fuck off it'll be too painful.'"

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