Cash

Jokes

RE-RE-RE-REMIX - So there was this professional assassin that charged $10,000 per bullet...

So there was this professional assassin that charged $10,000 per bullet

A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says, “Are you the guy who charges $10,000 a bullet?”

“Yup”

“What if you miss?”

He looks at the man, deadly serious. “Then I shoot another bullet and don’t charge for that one because


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Why do dragons hoard gold and jewels?

Because cash is flammable.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

A dog a sheep and a lion need to get across a river

The lion will eat the dog the sheep will eat the lion and the dog will eat the sheep.
You have been give clear instructions that the animals are not allowed to kill each other.
You may only bring one across at a time.
The best and most logical explanation is to kill the animals yourself and cash in the money.


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Twenty years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Steve Jobs...

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

A man in a business suit walks into a bar holding a briefcase, with a parrot on his shoulder

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

To make extra cash, my professor forces all his students to buy his book at the beginning of the term.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

If Marvel was an Indian company, Spider-Man would've been considered sacred.

He's a cash cow.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

3 college students are living together to save money

One day they decided to carpool to conserve gas and cash, but they live in the top floor of a 30 floor apartment. The

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Cash Cab

Do you ever think Ben gets drunk on bailey's and turns the show into the "Crash Cab"?

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

I was in the checkout line buying condoms

The cashier asked me "Will you be paying with cash, credit, or debit," I said "Cash" and handed him my credit card.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

What do you call a belt made of cash?

A waist of money

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Pizza Google

A man calls Pizza Hut:

--Hello, Pizza Hut?

--No, sir. Pizza Google

--Oh, sorry. Wrong number..

--No sir, it's the correct number, it's just that Google bought Pizza Hut

--Oh... okay, so... take my order, please

--Same as always?

--And how do you know what I want?

--Well, according to y


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

I'm so broke

Even my processor has no cash (cache)

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

What do you call it when a woman is paid to penetrate someone?

She's strapped for cash.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

The tough CEO

A company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he wants to let them know he means business!


The CEO walks up to the guy and asks, "And how much money do you make a week?"


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

I was playing 8ball pool game against Nigerian player

And he stole all my cash and coins.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

A couple is running a bit low on cash, so the wife decides to become a prostitute.

The next morning, she announces that she got $101.

"Who gave you the one dollar, honey?" the husband asks.

"Sweetie, they all did!"

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

A man walks into a bar

and he sees this small man playing the piano. The man, astounded, asks the bartender why there is a small man playing the piano in the bar. The bartender pulls out a dusty old lamp and says that there is a genie in there and that he would grant one wish to anyone who frees him. So the man walks outside the bar with the lamp, rubs it and sure enough a genie comes out. "Thank you for freeing me


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Why did Johnny Cash write Ring of Fire after eating spoiled curry?

Because it got his creative juices flowing

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Adam and Eve walks in a bar

Serpent bartender: what will you both have?

Eve: apple martini please. Stirred.

Adam: rib eyed steak for me. Oh, and make it well done.

-several minutes passed-

Serpent: here ya go. that'll be 200 bucks

Eve: how bout a blowjob for payment? *winks*

-the serpent was bewildered and Adam looks at his wife with shock and


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Adam and Even walks in a bar

Serpent bartender: what will you both have?

Eve: apple martini please. Stirred.

Adam: rib eyed steak for me. Oh, and make it well done.

-several minutes passed-

Serpent: here ya go. that'll be 200 bucks

Eve: how bout a blowjob for payment? *winks*

-the serpent was bewildered and Adam looks at his wife with shock and


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

What is the strangest thing you've done with cash?

I took a loan to pay for my school fees to get a job in order to pay for my loan.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

10 years ago we had Jonny Cash, Steve Jobs and Bob Hope. Now we have no cash, no jobs and no hope.

Please don’t die Jon Hamm

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Apparently there's a country in Europe where the people don't accept payment in cash, via card or even through a contactless system.

The Cheque Republic.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

A man walks into a bank with a briefcase full of cash...

he wants to open an account and deposit it. he is sent to the bank managers office. he sits down and the bank manager says you have $20,000 cash and have never had an account here before and want to open a new account and deposit all this cash, I have to ask where the money came from. the man responds I make bets and I won it on a bet. the bank manager is stunned, you mean to tell me that you


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Jesus paid for our sins, not with cash, nor did he barter...

He used Praypal

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Someone broke into my house last night, looking for cash

I woke up and offered him my assistance.

Sadly, we didn’t find any money

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Taxi driver

I work as a taxi driver. Instead of getting cash, I get cRash!

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Taxi driver

I work as a taxi driver. In stead of getting cash, I get crash.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

"Sometimes you have put on a blonde wig and suck dick for cash to support your heroin addiction. Every dream eventually dies, kid.

“Anyway, welcome to Applebee's, I’ll be your server, Chris.”

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

J.G Wentworth

When im on the toilet taking a massive shit im always sings Call J.G Wentworth 877 CASH NOW

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Why did Donald Trump bring his wig to the cash register?

Toupee.

Credit: my wife made this up while we were in bed falling asleep last night.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

One day a man hears a voice in his head.

Sell your car, sell your house cash in your investments, go to Vegas put it all on red 20.
Sell your car, sell your house cash in your investments, go to Vegas put it all on red 20.
He tries to ignore it but but every minute of everyday he hears it, Sell your car, sell your house cash in your investments, go to Vegas put it all on red 20.
Over and over until he can’t take a


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

A good cause

A man answers his door to see two women, one of whom is holding a clipboard. She introduces herself as Kelly and informs him that the other woman, Alex, is trying to set the world record for most times doing it doggy style in a day. Kelly explains that Alex's reasoning for this is that world record holders get a cash reward, and Alex's son is in the hospital.

"As a sing


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

You Want to hear a joke about cash machines?

Wait a sec... I can't think of one ATM

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Jesus didnt pay for our sins with cash or credit

​

He used praypal...

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Jesus didnt pay for our sins with cash or credit

He used praypal...

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Little Jerome is in class playing what noise does this make?

She first asks “what sound does a car make?”
“VROOM VROOM” the class replies
“What sound does a train make?”
“CHOO CHOO” replies the class
The teacher than asks “what sound does a cash register make?”
All the class is stumped, all but Jerome with his hand waving in the air.
“Yes Jerome?”


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Jesus didnt pay for our sins with cash or credit

He used praypal

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Old man is lying on his deathbed

He has 3 daughters that all are married. He tells them to call their husbands because he has last wish and he needs them.

When they come, he speaks to them: "It is a long time tradition in this family to put $1000 in a coffin of a dead person, because that grants him good life in another world. I need you 3 to all put at least $1000 in a coffin with me when I die."


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

I don't know why the barista got so angry when I knocked over her container of cash and coins...

The sign said "tip jar"...

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Two blonde bank robbers break into a bank at night

Robber 1: I've searched the place top to bottom but I couldn't find the cash vault.
Robber 2: All I found is a fridge containing jars of milkshake.
Robber 1: Well, since there ain't any cash, we might as well have a drink.

They then proceed to drink all the jars and go home.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

I really cant stand it when homeless guys shake their cups of money at me.

Do they really have to rub it in that they’ve got more cash than I do?

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

If large breasts are considered "money makers"...

Shouldn't they lactate cash?

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

What do you call a prostitute with no arms and legs?

Cash and Carry.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

But how did you make the horse laugh ?

A guy walks into a bar,
He sees a jar full of cash with 'win' written on it.
So he asks the bartender how to win it, the bartender says he must make the horse in the stable laugh.

So the man walks into the stable, comes out, and the horse is laughing.

He takes the cash and leaves.

2 days later he comes back and theres another jar, this


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

What does a ska musician do when they drop change at the cash register?

Pick it up.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

A man Walks into a bar

He sees a jar full of cash with ' win ' written on it.
He asks the bartender how to win it, bartender says he must make the horse in the stable laugh.

So the man walks into the stable, comes out, and the horse is laughing.

He takes the cash and leaves.

2 days later he comes back and theres another jar, so asks the bartender, this time he mus


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Henry was on his morning walk when he bumped into his friend Paul.

Henry: 'Hey Paul, why do you look so dejected today?'

Paul: 'Oh Henry, I'm in trouble. I need cash for the business and I have NO IDEA where to get it from!!'

Henry: 'Oh, I'm sure glad to hear that. I was afraid you might think you could borrow it from me!'

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

A bear walks into McDonalds

and goes to order at the cash register.

“What can I get for you, sir?” Asked the employee.
“I would like a Big Mac... ... ... ... ... ... and fries.”
“What’s with the big pause there, sir?”
The bear looks down, “Oh these? I was born with them.”


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE
LOAD MORE