Carving

Jokes

Carving a boob from a tree would be pretty cool.

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Carving a boob from a tree would be pretty cool.

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Lovers carving names on trees

When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet. I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.

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Its normally a fathers greatest joy to see his son laughing and smiling.

It’s just that he does it while stabbing a doll with 9 inch carving knife.

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A family is getting ready for Thanksgiving dinner.

Little Timmy sees his dad shaving. While shaving his dad cuts himself and says "shit"

Little Timmy "Dad what's shit mean"

Dad "It's just another word for shaving"

Little Timmy heads upstairs and sees his Brother and Sister fighting. His Brother calls his sister a Bitch and his Sister declares he's an Asshole.


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I wanted to make a joke about a wood carving of breasts, but it wouldn't be funny.

Wooden tit.

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Mr Hetfield's dinner

So James Hetfield from Metallica walks into an Italian restaurant carrying Kermit the Frog, Miss Piggy, Fozzie Bear, Gonzo, Animal, and Rowlf the dog under his arms. He strolls straight past the waiter, into the kitchen, and starts hacking them all to pieces with a large carving knife. He throws the pieces into some tomato sauce and starts stirring the brutal mess together. The waiter, horrified,


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I recently took up wood carving, and accidentally cut my finger.

It’s nothing serious. It’s just a whittle cut.

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A world famous chainsaw carver was at the local fair, and a young boy was very excited to go see him.

The young boy convinced his parents to let him go, and spent his allowance for the past month to get in to see the chainsaw carving take place.

The carver was turning a fallen oak tree into the carving, doing once in a generation work to turn it into a masterpiece. He was using a chainsaw to create almost impossible turns, and edges, and designs. The young boy was fascinated and


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Carving a boob from a tree would be pretty cool

Wooden tit

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Dont show up late to the meat carving

You might get the cold shoulder

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Did you hear about the Smiths' tradition of carving the names of the people next in line to the family fortune into their old weaving machine?

It's a family heirloom.

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I dont celebrate Halloween but if I did Id be carving your face

Cause I always make my pumpkin smile

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A rich, eccentric man owns a museum of giant, alphabet-shaped objects.

The grand opening is planned for soon. He's filled up most of his exhibits, but he's still looking for a final touch to the Q room. He puts up an online ad campaign and waits to hear back, delaying the opening until he can find a good Q. After about a month, he's about to give up and close down the museum for good, when he receives a letter.

"Dear sir,


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I make a living carving balls from oak.

People usually reply with: "bollocks" or "carve mine!"

I don't even know why I posted this.

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The Job Fair

At a job fair, a man advertised his business by carving the name into a small rock. As the hours went by, hardly anyone visited his booth. He looked around and saw people swarming to everyone else's booths.

The man's friend sees him from a distance and approaches him. "How's the business going?" his friend asked.

"Horrible. Almost no one has


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Carving a boob from a tree would be pretty cool...

Wooden tit?

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Thanksgiving Vulgarity!

The morning of thanksgiving I was getting ready for breakfast when I heard noises from my parents bedroom.
"O baby, your penis feels so good, O baby your vagina is soooo tight!"

I asked a little later "Mom? Dad? What's penis and vagina."
"O It just means coat and hat."

Later while watching my dad shave he cut himself.
&


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Posting pumpkin carving pictures on social media is so last year.

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My friend was arrested after carving equations into blocks of quartz

He was charged with manufacture of crystal math

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Carving bird sculptures would be a nice skill...

wooden tit?

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I'm deeply in love with you. But hard deeply, like demented. Kind of sick if you know what I mean. I will most probably end up carving you up.

Want a coffee?

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A young carpenter was looking to make some money...

Shortly after Jesus was crucified, a young carpenter saw his opportunity to make some money from the late martyr. He began making small wooden crucifixes depicting Jesus, and people were queuing up to buy them.

One day, a man came in with a request. "I want you to make the biggest crucifix you can. I am very rich. I will pay you more money than you can imagine," he said. Th


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A young carpenter was looking to make some money...

Shortly after Jesus was crucified, a young carpenter saw his opportunity to make some money from the late martyr. He began making small wooden crucifixes depicting Jesus, and people were queuing up to buy them.

One day, a man came in with a request. "I want you to make the biggest crucifix you can. I am very rich. I will pay you more money than you can imagine," he said. Th


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Thanksgiving Dinner

On Thanksgiving day, a little boy overhears his mom and dad fighting. He hears his mom call his dad a bastard and hears his dad call his mom a bitch. He asks, "Mommy, what does bastard mean?" She answers, "Um, it means boy." Then he asks, "Daddy, what does bitch mean?" He says, "Uh, it means girl." Later that day, the boy sees his father in the bathroom shav


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On Thanksgiving day, a little boy overhears his mom and dad fighting...

He hears his mom call his dad a
bastard and hears his dad call his
mom a bitch. He asks, "Mommy, what
does bastard mean?" She answers,
"Um, it means boy." Then he asks,
"Daddy, what does bitch mean?" He
says, "Uh, it means girl." Later that
day, the boy sees his father in the
bathroom shaving; the dad
acc


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Just in time for the hollidays

It's around Thanksgiving time. On a cold fall night in- oh sorry. This is the Jokes thread... I'll just cut right to it, then!

A young kid one night walks in on his parents fighting.

"You bitch!" says the dad

"You bastard!" says the mom

"What's a bitch and a bastard?" The young lad asks.

C


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Right now Chuck Norris' pumpkin is carving itself

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The difference between sex and pumpkin carving?

In pumpkin carving, one is trying to get all of the seeds out.

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How to carve a fish.

In the 70's in Scotland, there was a TV show called 'Weirs Way', where a man called Jim Weir would walk around the highlands, chatting with local characters.

One episode, he met an old man who carved elaborate walking sticks. Jim picked up a stick that had a beautiful leaping salmon for a handle, and said to the old man, "So tell me Archie, how would you go about c


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Chemistry joke about dry ice.

There are two guys: Bob and Steve. Bob is carving "Drink Coke" into a block of dry ice. Steve asks "why are you carving drink coke into that block of dry ice?" Bob replies "I just heard about this thing called subliminal advertising and I thought I would give it a try."

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It's the night before Thanksgiving...

and a little boy is at home when his parents start fighting. They yell, "You bitch!" and "You bastard!" The little boy asks, what are those? The parents, embarrassed by their son's intrusion, come up with a quick answer, "Uh, they're, um, aunts and uncles! Yeah, that's it!"
"Okay," says the boy and he heads upstairs to get ready for bed.


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What did Sean Connery say about the sexy tree carving?

T'was a nice piece of ash.

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