Carve

Jokes

Why do mass murderers get excited for halloween?

Because they get to carve something legally.

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I call my one night stands potatoes.

Because I skin them and carve the eyes out, before cooking them.

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A Marine Corps is training in the woods

They have to disguise themselves as trees and stand still until their Drill Seargent allows them to move.

After 17 hours one of the soldiers freaks out and starts jumping around. The Seargent, visibly upset, approaches him.

Seargent: „Soldier! What the fuck are you doing?“

Soldier: „Sir, after 5 hours there was a dog and he started peeing on


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What is the best way to carve wood?

whittle by whittle

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Not my joke but funny

Some poeople think its "Romantic" to carve there names into the bark on trees while on a date.

I'm more worried about why they're bringing a knife on a date X_X

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Why did the chicken cross the road?

Jennifer I want to see my kids again, not a day goes by without me thinking about you,l. I’m sorry I couldn’t repay our debts, and gambled away our house but please, every day I succumb to an endless depression which crawls like a spider into the darkest pits of my heart willing. I would actually carve my my own ears off with a rusty spork. Just to see you and the kids’ bright f


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Why did the chicken cross the road?

Jennifer I want to see my kids again, not a day goes by without me thinking about you,l. I’m sorry I couldn’t repay our debts, and gambled away our house but please, every day I succumb to an endless depression which crawls like a spider into the darkest pits of my heart willing. I would actually carve my my own ears off with a rusty spork. Just to see you and the kids’ bright f


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My dad said i could carve pumpkins on the kitchen table. So i did as he said.

When he came back to check up on me, he yelled, “you ruined the table! And you spelled pumpkins wrong!”

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How to make pumpkin? Thats an odd topic

I gotta carve deep into it.

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How to catch a polar bear

Step 1 go and carve a hole in ice.

Step 2 get a can of peas and pour the peas around the hole.

Step 3 when the polar bears goes to take a pea, kick it in the ice hole.

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How to catch a polar bear

Step 1 go and carve a hole in ice.

Step 2 get a can of peas and pour the peas around the hole.

Step 3 when the polar bears goes to take a pea, kick it in the ice hole.

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How do people with speech impediments carve wood?

Whittle by whittle.

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Whats the best way to carve a piece of wood?

Whittle by whittle

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I make a living carving balls from oak.

People usually reply with: "bollocks" or "carve mine!"

I don't even know why I posted this.

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Pinocchio in love

So Pinocchio says to his father: 'Dad I'm in love!', his dad replies 'That's great, now you want me to carve you some penis?'
'No, better drill me a hole at the back' @_@

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A self-absorbed man wants to get his bust sculpted.

He believes that one day he'll be very important, so he asks a sculptor to carve his bust out of marble to put into a museum in the future.

The sculptor says, "Sir, I think you're getting a head of yourself."

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My friend wants to carve a Venus statue from a tree.

That seems like it would take a while, woodentit?

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How do you carve wood?

Widdle by widdle

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On our first date, i'll carve our initials onto a tree.

Because it's the most romantic way to let you know that I have a knife

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Born as a virgin, lived as a virgin, died as a virgin

In a tiny village lived an old maid. In spite of her old age, she was still a virgin. She was very proud of it. She knew her last days were getting closer, so she told the local undertaker that she wanted the following inscription on her tombstone: "Born as a virgin, lived as a virgin, died as a virgin." Not long after, the old maid died peacefully, and the undertaker told his men what


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Pirate ship

Why did the pirate carve a topless mermaid into the front of his ship?

Yar, cause wouldn't it be loverly

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I have neighbors who are racist.

Whenever we play monopoly, instead of using the hat or thimble I just carve a black family out of wood. They move whenever I land on their property.

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Why do we carve pumpkins for Halloween?

Because they're less bloody.

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How to carve a fish.

In the 70's in Scotland, there was a TV show called 'Weirs Way', where a man called Jim Weir would walk around the highlands, chatting with local characters.

One episode, he met an old man who carved elaborate walking sticks. Jim picked up a stick that had a beautiful leaping salmon for a handle, and said to the old man, "So tell me Archie, how would you go about c


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What's the best way to carve wood?

Whittle by whittle.

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I'm a stonemason. I carve the gravestones to commemorate everyone's dead relatives for eternity, but nobody ever thanks me.

Sometimes I feel a little taken for granite.

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