Carter

Jokes

What do Jimmy Carter and the Long Island Railroad have in common?

They both pull out of Roslyn at 10:45

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Richard Nixon, Jimmy Carter and Bill Clinton are all on the Titanic

As the Titanic begins sinking, Jimmy Carter yells “quick, save the women and children.”

Nixon yells back: “screw the women and children!”

Bill Clinton says: “I don’t think we have time for that.”

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What do Jonny Depp and Helena Bonham-Carter day after they cut down a tree?

TIMBBBERRRton

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By Debbie Carter

A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police show up, they ask him what happened. The shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast.”

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Why does Jimmy Carter swim on his back?

To keep his nuts dry.

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How are Jimmy Carter and the Long Island Railroad the same?

They both pull out of Roslyn every morning at 8:15.

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What does Ronald Reagan have that Jimmy Carter doesn't?

A widow.

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How do you cure aids?

You put it into world leaders.

Note - This is an old joke I've heard when I was a kid, but seeing how Jimmy Carter was cured by a drug that was just released recently, it feels like a sad reality.

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Your mom is like a psychiatrist

She's seen more nuts than Jimmy Carter.

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What did Jimmy Carter say to Ronald Reagan?

Let me Eat your Turds !! Lol !!

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Which U.S Presidents are not buried inside the United States?

Carter, the Bushes, Clinton, and Barry-O

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Jimmy Carter, Richard Nixon, and Jack Kennedy were on a sinking boat

"Keep calm and save the women and children first!", Jimmy Carter exclaimed.
"We're former presidents, fuck the women and children!", Nixon replied.
Robert Kennedy looked around at the madness and replied,
"I don't think we have time!"

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How does Jimmy Carter heal his wounds by looking at them?

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An older Russian joke, feel free to swap the leaders' names

Leonid Brezhnev is visiting Jimmy Carter in Washington DC.
Upon arriving in the oval office he is surprised by the luxury and asks:
"The Soviet people would love to know how can your government afford such niceties in the middle on an oil crisis."
Carter responds with "Walk to the window with me. Do you see that bridge in the distance?"
"Sur


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So Tim Burton and Helena Bonham Carter are to separate after 13 years together.

I wonder who will get custody of Johnny Depp.

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Helena Bonham Carter and Tim Burton split up

What a nightmare, just before Christmas as well.

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So, Helena Bonham Carter and Tim Burton have split up!

It's a bit of a Nightmare before Christmas.

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Why was Jimmy Carter like the LIRR (Long Island Railroad)?

He used to pull out of Rosalynn at 5AM every morning.




**For the low-information jokesters here: Carter's wife's first name is Rosalynn, and Roslyn is a stop on the LIRR.

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3:30 PM ET ABCESPN2 Florida State vs NC State live stream Carter-Finley Stadium

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So my friend was bragging to me about how he has hard cases for all his sunglasses...

My friend Carter and I were talking about our sunglasses when he showed me that his sunglasses were all put in hard cases unlike me (I use soft cases). So I turn to my other friend and ask, "Why is Carter like a detective when it comes to his sunglasses?" My friend groaned. "He has a lot of hard cases."


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Carter turns seventy, and he's looking good...

... but he reckons he could look better. He takes up evening walks, then weekend hikes. In a couple of months he takes the plunge and decides to join a gym. He swims, cycles, and even tries skipping.

By the time his seventy-first birthday rolls around, he's lost a good bit of fat, gained a good bit of muscle. Reduced his waist and expanded his chest.

He decides to tr


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Carpet matches the curtains

10 year olds Andy, Ben, and Chuck are having lunch at school on Monday morning and Andy says, "My Pa said that Mrs. Jones carpet doesn't match the curtains. What does that mean?"

Ben informs him that it is when a lady's pubic hair doesn't match the hair on her head.

Chuck proposes that they see if their respective teachers, Mrs Adams, Ms Brown, a


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Old Russian Joke as told by one of my college professors who was Russian.

Had a professor in college who was one of Gorbachev's and later one of 21 economic advisers under Yeltsin. He used to tell us these sort or stale Russian jokes that I always got a kick out of. Here is one of them:

Jimmy Carter and Brezhnev were having a deep philosophical discussion comparing the freedoms of the west to the iron clad fist rule of Russian Communism.
Jimmy


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