Cannon

Jokes

An actor gets his first big break...

"Hark, for yonder art thou cannon," the actor states. The part only had the one line.

The director looks excited. "Perfect!" he yells. "You have the job."

"Awesome, when do-" the actor starts before being interrupted by 2 large security guards. They pick him up by the arms and legs and shuffle off-stage. They carry him outside, wher


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I showed my friends a pen cannon I made in maths class,

My teacher called it a weapon of math disruption

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What do you call a short person who summersaults out of a circus cannon?

A midget spinner

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Do you know they named the first nuclear cannon, Atomic Annie, after a woman instead of a man?

Because Atomic Adam sounded too Eve'il.

P.S. This is OC, so I really hope it _blows up._

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What do you call a perpetual cannon that's racist?

A "ching-chong ching-along"

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Why wasnt the director allowed to use a sword as a prop in his film adaption of a artillery book?

It wasn’t cannon

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A long, contrived and original joke

Nines was the game that had swept the nation. It was a game that involved launching a live hamster from a cannon, and if you could run, catch it, and return in nine seconds, you'd get a point. The force with which the hamster was ejected was increased each round, so you would have further to run, but the nine seconds remained permanent. Nining was a high intensity sport, and the kids loved it


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Girlfriend said my dick shoots like a cannon.

A Canon 40mm pancake lens to be specific.

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Why was the big book of cannons rewritten?

Some of the items in it weren't cannon

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For my math nerds: What size round does a Gauss cannon use?

5050mm

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So a kid gets a role in the school play

And his only line is "Hark! I hear a cannon!"

Weeks on weeks he's working on his only line, trying different inflections, faces, timing, everything. "Hark! I hear a cannon! Hark! I hear a cannon! Hark! I hear a cannon!"

Day of the show, he's still working on it,"Hark! I hear a cannon! Hark! I hear a cannon! Hark! I hear a cannon!"


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Dan is an aspiring actor who has recently been feelimg down.

He's done audition after countless audition, but has never managed to get a role. One day, as he's looking for another job, about to give up, he gets a call from his manager.

"Hello," Dan says.

"Hey," said Dan's agent, "I just managed to get you cast in a play. It's really last minute, but you just have to come to the next town


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-- A tsunami warning has just been issued for the entire coast of California --

In other news:

Your mom recently did a cannon ball into the Pacific Ocean.

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What's the difference between the end of a ship's gun and a Conservative pundit singing at Christmas?

One is a Cannon Barrel and the other is a Bannon Carole

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The circus came to town, and everyone wanted to see the celebrated 'Human Cannonball'.

Opening night, the man who loaded the cannon got drunk and forgot to put in the gunpowder. The Ringmaster sees the loader drunk and says, "Well, I guess I'll have to do it myself". Then the loader remembers, and goes and loads the cannon, also so when the Human Cannonball climbs into the cannon, there's a double charge. The cannon is fired, and the poor guy is shot through the


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A friend of mine told me they have a dog that can return a ball shot out of a cannon...

To me that seems a little far fetched.

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People don't realize that Mega Man is also really good at throwing.

I guess you could say he has a cannon for an arm.

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Tchaikovsky, you cannot use instruments of war as musical instruments

Tchaikovsky: I cannon I will

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What is damaged when a man is kicked in the crotch?

Neo Armstrong Cyclone Jet Armstrong Cannon!

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What do you call it when a high performance computer does a cannon ball at the pool?

A petaflop.

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What's the best camera to shoot with?

A Cannon.

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Two fish sitting in a tank

One turns to the other and says “you drive and I’ll man the cannon”

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What happens when two cannon balls fall in love

They have bb’s

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The pope fired a priest from a cannon.

The priest got canonically punished

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What did the nun say when she shot someone with a cannon?

"You've just been... Canonised...."

*sunglasses fall to her face from heaven as she magically levitates into space and goes into another dimension where this joke has yet to be told*

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Physical Science Test

We had a substitute that day and she was walking around making sure that we weren't on our phones or anything. As I worked my way through the test, I came to the free response questions. The first question was something about projectile motion involving an object fired from a cannon. It said to solve it and draw a representation.

I'm not much of an artist, so I draw two whee


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I'm not having much luck with jobs lately:

I couldn't concentrate in the orange juice factory.

I wasn't suited to be a tailor.

The muffler factory was just exhausting.

I couldn't cut it as barber.

I didn't have the patience to be a doctor.

I didn't fit in the shoe factory even though I put my soul into it.

The paper shop folded.


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Do you know that french general who likes to fire his cannon at kitchens?

His name is Linoleum Blownapart.

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What happens when you shoot Napoleon with a cannon?

He becomes Napoleon Blownaparte.

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You know how taco bell makes there food?

They use guns for everything, they have a sour cream gun for the sour cream, a meat cannon for the meat, and for the guacamole they have a guac nine.

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What do cannon balls do when theyre in love?

Make BBs

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What's it called when a cannon ball eats another cannon ball?

Cannonball-ism.

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What movement does a conductor conduct after eating too many burritos?

Tacobell's Cannon.

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Two fish were in a tank.

One says, you man the main cannon, I'll drive.

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My girlfriend likes to call my dick "The Cannon"

because it has a short fuse and only one ball.

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A human cannonball comes to work at the circus one day.

And she finds that her cannon has been replaced with a bigger one. The ringmaster tells her that a more powerful cannon would please the crowd more.

So during the next act, she's fired from this cannon across the whole tent, and the crowd goes wild.

The next day, she finds an even bigger cannon. The ringmaster tells her that this cannon will be even more crowd pleasi


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Who fired that cannon?

Dave was walking down the street one day, he'd never worked a job in his life and he was sick of it. So he marched straight down to the job centre right up to the counter and goes
'I want a job, any job you've got. I'll do it for you.' The girl at the desk flicks through some papers.'I'm really sorry sir we don't have that much at the moment.' &#


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A guy brags himself...

Some guy, after his wife gave birth to 5 twins, says to his doctor:

"Looks like I have a huge cannon, huh Doc?"

The Doctor the says:

"Well then you've got to clean it up, because your rounds came out black!"

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NASA CHICKEN CANON

NASA engineers build a cannon that launches dead chickens at the windshields of airplanes, military jets and such to test the strength of the windshields against collisions with airborne fowl.

British engineers are eager to test it on the windshields of their new high-speed trains. Arrangements are made, and a cannon is sent to the British engineers.

When the cannon goes


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"You won't be able to stop me this time, Captain Food Saver,"

shouted The Moldy Bread at his arch nemesis, who was very tightly bound.

"Ah ha! But there's where you're wrong, Moldy! I brought along an old weapon that you've forgotten about..."

The Moldy Bread ignored the Captain, stating, "It's too late! I've already started up my Mold Machine! My lifelong purpose will finally be fulfilled whe


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Mariah Carey sounded horrible the other day. It was like a cannon went off in her throat.

Mariah Carey sounded horrible the other day. It was like a cannon went off in her throat.

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Circus Joke

A man asks his best friend that works at the circus a question.

"Hey, how's your human cannon job?"

His friend replies-

"Bad. I get fired all the time"

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What do you call a classical composer's butthole after a night of bad Mexican food?

Taco Bell's Cannon

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A joke from the Soviet era

Reagan is visiting the Soviet Union and arrives at the Ukrainian city of Odessa. Expecting a warm welcoming party by the people of the city, he is both shocked and offended that no one is greeting him at the city gates. The embarrassed Soviet officials scramble to find someone to fire the ceremonial cannon announcing the visit of the leader of the second most powerful nation in the world.


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There was once a man who loved going to see plays..

There was once a man who loved going to see plays, and he had a favorite play-house that he went to very often. In this play-house, if you donate enough money they will let you have a small, non-speaking part, and eventually he donated so much money that they gave him a line, which was "Hark! Is that a cannon I hear?"
He was so excited by his line that he practiced it over and ove


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