Candidate

Jokes

Interviewer: What drives you?

Candidate: The bus mostly.
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
Candidate: Missing the bus!

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CIA Hiring Process

The CIA is hiring trained assassins. They narrowed the search down to 3 people.

The first person goes to the selection committee and they hand him a gun. They tell him his wife is in the next room and he has to kill her. "Fuck no!" He says.

"Very well, take your wife and go home" says one of the committee members.

The second candidate appr


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Eric Swalwell has become the first Democratic candidate to withdraw his bid for POTUS

I guess he passed the torch.

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The CIA is recruiting three people for a top secret mission. (Long)

The candidates are brought to a remote, undisclosed location and given a loaded firearm. They receive instructions to walk into an adjacent room and kill the person they see sitting there.

Candidate 1, a highly decorated veteran agent with exceptional credentials walks in and sees his wife sitting in the chair. He immediately walks out of the room, having freed his wife. He quits he


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Heard This Joke On Qi

Three candidates for a job as CIA hitman,
First one is told, “ your wife is tied to a chair in that room, you have to take this pistol and kill her”
After two minutes, he comes out the room saying “I couldn’t do it “. The trainer tells him “if you can’t kill your wife, you can’t be a CIA hitman “.
Next candidate is in the r


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I had friend once tell that she saw a presidential candidate wearing a boot on his head promising everyone ponies.

I'm not mental but I think she might be sometimes.


Why would believe anything a politician says? They are all liars.

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What do you call a peanut that runs for governor?

A goobernatorial candidate.

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Are any Americans watching the Eurovision Song Contest right now?

I guess it's kind of confusing for you guys... the candidate with most votes actually wins.

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Why does the Peace and Freedom party never seem to have enough money to campaign effectively to get a candidate elected?

They smoke the profits 🚬

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Whats the only way to get American Democrats and Republicans to agree on something?

Elect a third party candidate for president. They will agree to disagree with everything he or she does.

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A man with only one ear interviews candidates for a job.

He is kinda' sensitive about his missing ear, so he asks to the first candidate, "Do you notice anything different about me?"

The guy hesitates and says "Yes, sir, you have only one ear." He is dismissed on point.

The man asks the same question to the second candidate, which replies "Yes, one of your ears is missing." Dismissed as well.<


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I like this new Democratic candidate, Pete Buttigieg. Some people think he's not experienced enough...

But it's my vote, so I'll Buttigieg of that.

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Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you're extremely fast at calculations. What is 25 x 14?

Candidate : 39!

Interviewer: What? That's not even close!

Candidate : Yeah, but it was quick!

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I think I've found the pefect presidential candidate for Kazakhstan

His name is Kazakhsthanos

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A police officer candidate goes for an interview...

The officer says, "Take this pistol and shoot A TALL BLACK GUY AND THREE WHITE RABBITS."
So the candidate asks,"why the three white rabbits?".
Officer"that's the kind of attitude we're looking for. You're selected".

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Apples Hiring Practices

Apple realized they needed new programmers, so they began putting out word that they were seeking experienced workers. Unfortunately, due to the incompatibility between Microsoft and Apple products, they decided is was best to refrain from hiring former Microsoft employees. Their solution to weed them out was very simple:

The first question they would ask in an interview is for the ca


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A man with no ears is conducting 3 interviews.

He needs to find very observant candidates, but is very
sensitive about his ears.

He asks the 1st candidate, "We need very observant people. What is something you observe about me?"

He replies, "Well, you have no fuckin ears..." The interviewer gets angry and throws him out.

He asks the 2nd candidate the same thing. "You have


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What do you call a Presidential candidate giving annilingus?

Hickenlooper lickinpooper.

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I think if the Government DOES in fact have the cure to cancer, Alex Trebak would be a good candidate

What is.. Extension Life Syrum

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NSFW That piece of shit is running for president.

He's running as a turd party candidate.

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DO YOU KNOW WHAT IS THE SIMILaRITY BETWEEN SEX AND ELECTION?

THINK! THINK ..THINK.
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THINK THINK .!
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THINK..!
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ANSWER:- THE STANDING OF THE CANDIDATE 😅😅😅

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A guy sits down for an important job interview.

After several opening questions, the interviewer asks, “What is your biggest weakness?”

Job candidate: “I would say honesty.”

Interviewer: “ I don’t really think that honesty is a weakness.”

Candidate: “ Shut up ass wipe, I don’t care WHAT you think.”


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Interviewer: "Where do you see yourself in 5 years?"

Candidate: "Let me check my Jira backlog. Hang on.. Ok, on this page.. then this page.. 5 years.. hmm... It looks like I will be watching Dragon Ball Super 2."

Interviewer: ...

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A Rich man decided to hire a driver

He called 3 candidates for the driving test.

The test was on near the edge of the tall mountain cliff.

The rule was simple, the one drives closest to the edge of the cliff without falling wins.

The first candidate drove 4 inches near to the cliff.

The second candidate drove 1 inch near to the cliff.

The third candidate, who was frigh


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A Space Alien Was Running For President

of the Intergalactic Federation. His biggest priority was to alienate a small planet called Earth from the rest of the Galactic Alliance.


“These humans are dangerous!” He said in a speech heard by trillions. “They are nearing the capacity to finally reach out to the rest of the Federation. Their hate and their intolerance will spread through the universe like


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Matthew McConaughey would almost certainly win if he ran for president.

It would be hard to beat the first candidate to get an endorsement from Lincoln.

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Interviewer: "What's your greatest weakness?"

Candidate: "Honesty."

Interviewer: "I don't think honesty is a weakness."

Candidate: "Honestly, I don't give a fuck what you think."

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"And the last question", the interviewer asked the candidate, "what's your greatest strength?"

"Patience".

"Thank you, that's all. You can leave now, we'll call you later."

"I'll wait here".

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Interviewer: What is your strong suit?

Candidate: I’m told my sense of humour best hides my weakness.

Interviewer: Which is?

Candidate: Forgetfullness.

Interviewer: Is that a joke?

Candidate: I’m sorry, what was the question?

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Interview by NASA

NASA officials were interviewing three prospective astronauts to sent to Mars on a dangerous one-way trip. Only one of the three would go, and that candidate would never return to Earth. The interviewer asked the first candidate, an engineer, how much he wanted to be paid to go.


"One million dollars," replied the engineer, "and I want it donated to my alma


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Interviewer: Why are you leaving your current organization?

Candidate: I have major religious differences at work!

&amp;#x200B;

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Interviewer: What are those differences? Candidate:

My manager thinks he is God, I don't!

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If Steve Jobs was still alive and a presidential candidate, he would have won the 2016 Election...

But let's not compare Apples to Oranges.

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Applicants for a clerical post in a paint company were given a simple written test.

They were asked to write a short note using the words GREEN, PINK, YELLOW, BLUE, WHITE, PURPLE and BLACK.

One candidate wrote:
Phone went 'GREEN GREEN'. I PINKed up the phone and said, "YELLOW, YELLOW? BLUE's speaking? WHITE did you say? Wrong number! Don't PURPLEly disturb people! And don't call BLACK!!!"


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Why did Donald Trump win 2016 election?

Because "Deez Nuts" isn't a valid candidate.

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Mark has several qualities that make him an ideal candidate for cloning

He’s remarkable

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Did you hear about the presidential candidate who died in an accident while mountain climbing?

Yeah, his opponent won by a landslide!

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A police officer candidate goes in for an interview

The chief hands him a pistol and says "I need you to shoot a black guy and three white rabbits."

The candidate asks "why the white rabbits?"

The chief says "that's the attitude we're looking for around here!"

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A Prime Minister is deciding on a candidate to take the position of Minister of Agriculture

He's presented a few candidates, one of which has particularly outstanding record. However the Prime Minister's aide informs him that the candidate doesn't really know anything about the agriculture. "His record is outstanding, but he doesn't even know how many tits a cow has", says the aide.

Surpsised, the Prime Minister decides to call the candidate and


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The Prime Minister is deciding on a candidate to take the position of Minister of Agriculture

He's presented a few candidates, one of which has particularly outstanding record. However the Prime Minister's aide informs him that the candidate doesn't really know anything about the agriculture. "His record is outstanding, but he doesn't even know how many tits the cow have", says the aide.

Surpsised, the Prime Minister decides to call the candidate


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A CIA superspy assasin retires...

... So the agency posts an ad on Craigslist to fill the position. After a while, the field is narrowed down to just three well qualified applicants. They're flown to Langley to interview.

The first candidate is Major Ron L Lubbold: Army Ranger, a 15 year veteran of 6 combat deployments and over 200 missions, He is the most accurate sniper to have served the army in 30 years, and


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There was a Mexican Presidential candidate who was kidnapped while counting to 3

He disappeared without a tres.

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LONG 4 men are competing for a job...

The head greeter at a local Wal-Mart has been tasked with hiring the newest greeter. She has whittled the list down to 4 promising candidates, and seeing as they are all tied in every category she decides to ask them each one question.

She brings the men into her office and tells them her intentions, "I am going to ask you each the same question, and whoever answers best will get


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I think I would be a good candidate for the Space Force....

My coworkers already think I am a space cadet already....

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My girlfriend left me because I'm too occupied with my work.

"Well, you've been an excellent candidate," I said.

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Student Government Speech: Plz help

Can anyone give me some suggestions for a joke to open up my speech as a candidate for student Vice President?

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Buddy is down to the final interview of finally realizing his lifelong dream of becoming an FBI Agent...

It’s down to him and 2 other candidates. The three candidates sit in a room together waiting to be called in for the final interview. The first candidate goes in only to reappear minutes later upset and storms out muttering something about “taking things too far”. The second candidate goes in, again only to reappear minutes later visibly shaken and yelling “you guys are nut


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Obama spying on candidate Trump

Legacy is gone

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NASA officials were interviewing three prospective astronauts to sent to Mars on a dangerous one-way trip

Only one of the three would go, and that candidate would never return to Earth. The interviewer asked the first candidate, an engineer, how much he wanted to be paid to go.

"One million dollars," replied the engineer, "and I want it donated to my alma mater, Rice University."

The interviewer asked the next candidate the same question.

&quo


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Interviewer: What are your thoughts about nepotism in a workplace environment?

Candidate: Well, that’s a really good question, Dad.

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So this young man was born without any ears...

Despite his disability, he worked hard and eventually became the hiring manager for a large corporation. One day he is interviewing candidates for a position. Always self-conscious, he asks first candidate "so, do you notice anything strange about me?" The candidate right away replies, "well of course, you obviously don't have any ears!" The manager turns red and tells th


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