Calm

Jokes

I may not be the hottest, smartest, strongest, most athletic, funniest, most social, most outspoken, happiest, most optimistic, calm, hard working guy.

That’s all.

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I love those raining apps that calm you.....

However I started listening to the Amazon rainforest and I thought the house was on fucking fire.

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Hurricane Dorian.. Jokes for my fianc, Dorian

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A man comes home to his wife with a duck under his arm.

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A pregnant lady and two of her friends are having a discussion.

First friend : I was reading Tale Of Two Cities by Dickens and coincidently I had twins.

Second Friend : I have had a similar experience but I was reading three musketeers and had triplets!!

Hearing all these, Pregnant lady was freaking out and was clearing having a panic attack. Her friends tried to calm her down. After the attack had passed, pregnant lady just uttered..


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How do you calm your erupting girlfriend?

You shower her with lava and affection

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I kept hearing some crazy stuff was happening in Hong Kong so I looked it up.

According to Beijing, it's as calm as a June Summer's day in Tiananmen Square.

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Hunting

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Two hunters are out in the woods when

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Two hunters are walking in the woods...

Two hunters are walking in the woods when suddenly, one of them collapses. So the other one calls 911 and says "Help! I think my friend just died"

The 911 operator says: "okay, stay calm sir. First, you have to make sure that he's dead"

Then, a gunshot is heard. The guy says "okay, what now?"


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I think its safe to say Jeff Epsteins last moments were somewhat calm and relaxed

He was just hanging out

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Spelling Mistakes

I accidentally made a spelling mistake on my work. I found this out when I get screamed at for it. It is a fairly small mistake, so I don't understand why she is so upset!

Jeez, I'm a tattoo artist, not an english teacher. Calm down, we all make mistakes.

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A Kung Fu student asks his teacher, "Master, why does my ability not improve? I'm always defeated." And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers

"My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun and their wings seeming like flames?"

"Yes, my master, I have."

"And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?"

"Yes, my master, I have witnessed it."

"And the moon, when it touches


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Two hunters are out in the woods when one falls unconscious

The other hunter calls 911.

“Hello I’m out hunting with my friend but he fell and he ain’t moving.”

“Ok sir calm down. First, check for sure if he is dead.”

A gunshot is heard over the phone.

“Ok now what?”

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Due to an accident about a month ago, I had too many clones running about at home, so I decided to take some to self-storage.

After making some new arrangements, I went today to pick them up. When I got there, they told me that my clones had been kicked out a couple of weeks ago because they don't allow residency in their units. I'm doing my best to stay calm, but I know it's going to take more than a few minutes to collect myself.


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A man bursts into his psychologists office shouting Im a wigwam AND a teepee! Im a wigwam! Im a teepee! Im a wigwam! Im a teepee!

The psychologists looks at him and says...

“You need to calm down sir, you’re too tense.”

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A correspondent is taking an inteview from an old Georgian (the country not the state) shepherd.

Expecting it to be a boring interview she lazily, yet professionally and with the smile she started to ask him questions.
C: so, how many sheep do you have
*Georgian man asked her in calm, monotone voice
GM: are we talking white or black sheep?
* correspondent thinks for a minute
C: well, let's say how many white one's do you have?
GM: fifty


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Doctor: Calm down David ! Its just a minor surgery !

Patient: Doctor, I’m not David.
Doctor: I know that, I was talking to myself.

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That turned a dark turn

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He’s not breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.

“I think my friend is dead!” he yells. “What can I do?”

The operator says, “Calm down. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”

There’s a silence, t


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At the hospital

- I’m sorry, but by accident we cut your penis...

- What the fuck?! I wan’t to see your boss you piece of sh...

- Calm down, ma’am, or I will need to call the security!

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Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He's not breathing so his friend calls 911


''My friend is dead! What should I do?"

The operator replies, "Calm down sir, first make sure that he's really dead."

There's a silence, then a loud bang. Back on the phone, the guy says, Ok, now what?

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Do you like fucking in tents?

To me, it doesn't matter. Intense, calm... all sex is good!

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How the karate karate kid remain so calm and focused?

He wax off many times

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Why did the police officer shoot the iceberg lettuce?

Because it wouldn’t *Romaine* calm.

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What's the best way to calm down a knife-wielding girlfriend?

Please answer quickly

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Poseidon, God of the Sea, wanted to take one day off...

"Zeus" he says, "I'm tired of this whole 'God of the Sea' business."

Zeus says he can take a day off and give his powers, for just one day, to the first animal he sees when he goes ashore.

He puts his powers into a sheep.

Suddenly, the sheep levitates, and walks out into the sea.

The sheep spends its whole day


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Trying to calm your girlfriend down is like putting water on a grease fire

It wont work and itll blow up in your face

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Two hunters are in the woods

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says, "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence; then a gun shot is heard. Back on t


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I told my doctor that sometimes I feel like a wig wam, and sometimes I feel like a tee-pee.

He said I needed to calm down because I was two tents.

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What happened in Hong Kong this week?

According to Beijing, it's as calm as a June Summer's day in Tiananmen Square.

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What do you call a calm and funny dog?

Chillhaha

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A dude walks into a bank...

"Hi, I'd like to open a fucking bank account!"

The lady teller is a bit offended and asks the man to calm down.

"What do you mean calm down? I'm fucking calm!"

"Sir, if you don't stop with the offensive language , I will have to call my manager!"

"What the fuck are you talking about, what offensiv


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Joe and the Talking Trees

Joe was a simple and serious man. He was a carpenter in a small village named Arge Oaks where he owned the store "Joe's Carpentry."

For years Joe impressed his fellow neighbors with the highest quality carpentry work. Some people in town complained he was a bit too expensive, but no one ever questioned the quality of his work. He was the best and business was good.


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Joke, it was a joke. Serious nerds calm down please.

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Two hunters are out in the woods

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.

The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services.
He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?"
The operator says, "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence;


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An anti-vax woman marries a rich chinese businessman

Later on, the woman gives birth to a healthy baby boy. However, shortly after the baby's 1st birthday, he died.
During the funeral, people noticed that the mother kept muttering to herself as she cried.

While lowering the casket, the mother kept shouting: "I KNEW IT! I KNEW IT! OH, I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN BETTER!" while bursting into tears. The rest of the family mem


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How do you calm down a suicide bomber?

Tell him it’s just a blow job.

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My friend died...

...when we couldn't remember his blood type.
He tried to calm us down by saying "be positive" but it's not like that helped.

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Another one of these...

Patient: Doc, I'm afraid of directions!

Therapist: Wait, What? did I hear you right?

Patient: \*Screams\*

Therapist: Please sir! Calm down!

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Two hunters are out in the woods,

when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says, "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence; then a gun shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says, "OK


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Two hunters

are out in the woods when one of them collapses.

He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.

The other man whips out his phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps, “My friend is dead! What can I do?”.

The operator says “Calm down. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”


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My wife was upset and asked if I thought she was fat

To calm her down I replied 'oh Honey.. sugar, sweetie pie.. avoiding these would be a good start'

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A man walks into a restaurant and orders a soup.

Shortly after he gets it he calls the waiter

Waiter: Yes Sir, how can I help you?

Man: Can you please taste the soup?

Waiter: Why? What's wrong with it?

Man: Please taste the soup!

Waiter: I can replace it if there's anything wrong with it!

Man: Taste the soup.

Waiter: OK! OK! calm down. But where&


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The Egg Experiment

A psychologist wanted to test his theory on fragile objects' potency to cause men to throw said objects in anger and spur more anger.

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To conduct this study, he brought in a sample of forty men. "Gentlemen," he said, "those of you who know you have a tendency to get heated over a political debate, please step aside to the right. Otherwi


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Four friends walk into a bar.

They each order a glass of wine. When they were served them, they all looked at their glasses.

The first friend inspected his carefully and determined that "Mine is half empty."

The second friend stared at his glass, looking at at and finally saying "Well, mine is half full."

The third friend sighed and made a gesture clearly meant to calm


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- Honey, I go to the GYM! You wanna join?

\- Do I look fat or what?

\- If you don't wanna go, don't go.

\- So now you say I'm lazy.

\- Calm down, I didn't say that.

\- So you think I'm hysteric, right?

\- No. I didn't say that!

\- Aha, so I'm a liar too.

\- OK. You don't go.

\- Wait a second. Why


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A chemist, a mechanic, a electrician, and a programmer were driving in a car when it broke down.

"This must be because we've mixed the wrong fuel additive!" said the chemist.

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"Bollocks!" said the mechanic. "This is clearly a mechanical problem. There must be something wrong with the engine."

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"Both of you are wrong. The problem lies with the car wiring and the battery.&


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Alternative phrases to calm your tits

• Soothe your boobs
• Hakuna your tatas
• Give that rack a rest
• Don’t have a rack attack

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Two hunters are out in the woods when one of the them collapses.

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says, "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence; then a gun shot is heard. Back on t


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A 76 year-old man is sitting out in the patio reading a book when he is startled by his 72 year-old wife, who comes out wearing lingerie.

She approaches him, extends both her arms out and yells "SUPER SEX?"

Her husband takes one long look at her, his eyes measuring her up and down, and in a calm voice says "I'll take the soup!"

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