Burning

Jokes

Dad joke

*Kid lights a fire torch during the day and holds it towards the sun*

Dad: what are you doing?
Kid: I'm burning the daylight, dad.
Dad: hi "I'm burning the daylight,dad", I'm dad.

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When is a pentagram better than a cross?

When it's burning.

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What do you call a burning redneck?

A ***Fire Cracker***

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Did you hear that the Amazon was burning?

Gee, I hope I'll still get my package.

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Dark Decided to burn some calories

Found out that burning Jewish kids isn't legal anymore

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Brazilian President Bolsonaro's response about the burning rainforest:

"It's all a misunderstanding, I was just trying to order an Amazon Fire tablet."

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If people sleep to regular music, what do rich people sleep to?

Sounds of a burning amazon forest.

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Have you heard about the Amazon being on fire yet?

Turns out, it's a burning topic.

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I know why theyre burning the Amazon...

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Why did the man with a yardstick refuse to leave his burning house?

Desperate times call for desperate measures...

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If I were the actor Jeff Bridges...

I would be really concerned about people who were good at burning bridges

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I burned 1 million calories yesterday

Left my wife in a burning house

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What's the difference between a Trump supporter and a burning dumpster fire?

Answer: While they are both horrific to look at and kill thousands of people a year, the burning dumpster fire isn't a gun-toting racist who hates minorities and trans people who should all be put out of their misery for being threats to progressive society.

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A wise man once told me to fight fire with fire.....

...now my house is burning down.

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Be careful when burning your fat friends.

They might combust

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Ever since I was young I have had one single burning desire.

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It was nacho day at school.

Suddenly, little Tommy came bursting out of the kitchen, bawling his eyes out and holding his hand. He was sent to the nurse's office to treat a minor burn.

The following week, nacho day rolls around again. And again, Tommy comes running out of the kitchen with a burn on his hand, this time a bit more severe.

The principal catches wind of the incidents and calls To


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Quick question: When was the first Burning Man festival?

Germany, 1938

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Burning Wisdom

There's nothing I've learned from having been a husband that I couldn't just as easily figured out from setting all my money on fire.

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The smell of burning flesh, the screams of children

Summertime bbqs are the best

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What is Hitler's favorite festival?

Burning Man

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A wealthy elderly man is on his honeymoon with his much younger bride

As they're about to consummate the marriage, he starts putting on a condom.

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"Oh don't be silly" she remarks, "We shouldn't need to use one of those at your age."

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"Oh no, it's not for protection" he says, "I just like the smell of burning rubber."


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I tried to tell a joke after burning my tongue

It was tasteless.

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I put an old Christmas tree in the fire the other night

It ended up looking like a menorah while burning

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A man was about to have sex with a really fat woman.

After climbing on top of her, he asked 'Can I turn the light off?' 'Is it because you're shy?' she said.
'No', he said. 'It's because it's burning my arse'

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Whats the quickest way to get an old person out of a burning building?

In a body bag

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How does Hitler's favorite Blue Oyster Cult song go?

Burn out the day
Burn out the night
I can't see no reason to stop with my Reich
I'm living for giving old Neville his due

And I'm burning, I'm burning, I'm burning the Jews
I'm burning, I'm burning, I'm burning the Jews

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I had to give up on my idea to create the worlds smallest flamethrower.

It was burning a hole in my pocket.

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Niki Lauda.

Everyone's talking about Niki Lauda.

I bet his ears are burning.

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What do you call a burning Jacket?

A blazer...

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It's 2019 now. "Flame Retardant" is not OK anymore.

Some things simply have a burning disability.

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What does Hitler say when he goes to the gym?

I guess I’m burning calories instead of Jews now

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Why aren't firefigthers religious?

They have to put out the burning bush.

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A Rabbi and a priest run out of a burning school...

The priest said to the Rabbi, "what about the children?"

"Fuck the children" said the Rabbi

"do you think we will have time?"

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A Jew a Priest and A Minister are in a school...

The school started on fire and is burning down the Minister says, “Let’s get out of here!” The Jew replies, “What about the children?” The Priest says, “Fuck the children!”

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The story of Moses is a bit confusing to me...

1. He sees a burning bush.

2. ???

3. Prophet

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How do you make Holy Water?

By burning the hell out of it.

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McDoogle walks into a bar.

He starts ordering several shots to drwlowb his sorrows. He says to the bar keep you know when someone builds houses does anyone say there goes McDoogle the house builder? No they don’t. McDoogle downs another shot and orders another. He takes the glass in his hand and says when someone rescues children from a burning building do they say there goes McDoogle the rescuer? No! They don’t


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Went to coachella...

Came back burning man!

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Bear goes through the forest and sees a burning car...

he got into the car and burned.

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Would you prefer a fire escape ladder or a fire escape rope on the 3rd floor of a burning building?

Personally, I’d prefer the latter.

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I like my coffee like I like my women

Not burning me.

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So I was thinking of the story of Moses and the burning bush, and found something worrying...

With the burning bush, God appoints Moses to lead his people out of Egypt - something which would eventually lead to their 40-year trial in the wilderness.
Forty is a significant number in the bible. Now, because the conversation was between Moses and God via the bush, if you split the number forty for the two involved, you get twenty on each side.

Now, this is one of many impor


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Have you heard the one about the burning church?

I'd tell you, but it's way too soon.

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Hey girl, are you burning church

Cause notre daaammnn

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Ubisoft giving out copies of Unity for free is so disrespectful

First theirs a cathedral burning everyone needs to worry about now Ubisoft is sending dumpster fires to everyone

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Notre-dame : burning

Me: Just pour holy water on it

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***Catholic problem requires catholic solution***

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A man wakes up in a hospital after being in a 100 year coma, after he fell from the Notre Dame.

The man wakes up and finds a nurse tending to his bedside.

'How long has it been?' asks the man.

'You've been asleep for 100 years,' she replies.

'Nurse, I have one burning question. How is the Notre Dame, the place responsible for my century old slumber?'

The nurse smirks and says, 'Your question isn'


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Notre Dame

I heard that the American public was saddened to hear that Notre Dame was burning but relieved to hear that the football stadium was spared.

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What happens when a dignified lady is burning with desire?

People will not re-dame her.

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