Burn

Jokes

I hate double standards.

Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.” Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”

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What do the Vietnamese and trees have in common?

They both burn better with napalm.

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What do the Vietnamese and trees have I common?

They both burn better with napalm

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A new study says that you burn as many calories during sex as you would by running five miles

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A sadist, a necrophiliac, a pyromaniac and a masochist walk into a bar.

A sadist, a necrophiliac, a pyromaniac and a masochist walk into a bar. There they see the bartender's cat walking around.

The sadist says, "Let's torture the cat and kill it".

The necrophiliac replies, "When you're done with it, let's all have sex with the cat".

The pyromaniac goes, "Let's also burn it after


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Why did the Englishman and the Aussie want to burn the other?

They wanted The Ashes.

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How are the Dutch and Brazilians alike?

They both love to burn trees.

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Dark Decided to burn some calories

Found out that burning Jewish kids isn't legal anymore

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Two guys at my door told me I "need to be saved", or else I'll "burn"....

Those pesky firemen.

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I know one entity who enjoys seeing the Amazon rainforest burn...

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Two blondes

Two blondes meet.The first said:
- Hey honey, I really want to go to the sun.
- OMG honey, are you stupid?You'll burn alive.
- I know honey, because of that I'll go at the night.

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What happens when you throw a potato in British fire?

They burn into a crisp.

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A.N: You have probably heard this before. I swear I am not copying anybody.

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What does a pint of Guinness and a Catholic priest have in common?

They are both black and white and if you get a bad one it will burn the arse off you.

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I don't like 911 jokes

They have a tendency to crash and burn

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4 years ago I got gonorrhea and a surprising amount of people were weirdly excited for me when I complained about it.

It's back again and I'm looking forward to all the support when I tell people that I feel the burn.

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Whats the difference between a ton of coal and a thousand Jews?

Jews burn longer.

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A Russian, an American, and a Canadian

A Russian, an American, and a Canadian were at a bar.

The Russian says,"We were the first in space!"

The American says, "We were the first on the moon!"

The Canadian is silent for a while, and then exclaims confidently, "Then we shall be the first on the sun!"

Both give him a confused look. After a few seconds pass,


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The highway where they filmed Final Destination 2's crash scene is the same highway that's being used to film the Sonic movie.

Explains why Sonic looks like a crash and burn.

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Why should you never insult a burn victim?

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These guys stick together.

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I hate those people who knock on your door and tell you you need to get "saved" or you'll "burn"

Stupid firemen

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Someone put turkey in oven

turkey burn and set oven on fire

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How do you burn an Irishman's ear?

Call him while he's doing the ironing

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A German was told by his grandad before he went to Paris that he would be able to spank all the female bartenders and burn the curtains. When he brought it up with his grandad he asked who he went with...

German: Ryanair
Grandad: Oh, I went with the Gestapo

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My Psychiatrist told me to write letters to all people I hate and then burn them...

and I did that.

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But what do I do with the letters now?

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The man that invented auto correct

should burn in hello.

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What is the similarity between Hitler and a smoker?

They both burn fags.

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What's the difference between Hitler and a smoker?

They both burn fags

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Girl, are you gasoline, cause you are premium, but I'm not sure you're worth it.

Also volatile and explosive, and likely to burn my house down

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Why did the anti-vaxxer hospital burn down?

Because the doctors found throwing essential oils on everyone in sight turned out not to save them.

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Why did the anti-Vader hospital burn down?

Because the doctors found throwing essential oils on everyone in sight turned out not to save them.

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I don't like to joke about 911

Because they all tend to crash and burn

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Dark humor health

One time my doctor told me to burn some calories...

so i set a fat person on fire

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Thought I'd burn some calories today

So I set a fat kid on fire

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Why did the hipster burn his mouth?

Because he drank his coffee before it was cool.

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I am finding it really hard to get over my friend dying of heart burn.

I can't believe Gaviscon.

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The sun is slowly cooking us

When we are tan we and getting cooked and when we burn we are cook ready for the world to eat us

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Dear racist airport employee who wouldn't let me get a ticket today just because I'm a brown man in your country, I hope you burn in hell...

... Sincerely, Terry Wrist

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Dear racist airport employee who wouldn't let me get a ticket today, I hope you burn in hell...

... Sincerely, Terry Wrist

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Dear racist airport employee who wouldn't let me get a ticket today, I hope you burn in hell...

... Sincerely, Terry Wrist

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Why did the hipster burn his tongue?

Because he drank his coffee before it was cool

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\[Courtesy of my sister\]

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A bird and weed story

In the 1970s, law enforcement officers on the California coast would gather all the confiscated marijuana plants and burn them in a giant incinerator. Terns would fly overhead and inhale the fumes. At the end of the day, they found that no terns were left unstoned.

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How did the hipster burn his mouth?

He drank coffee before it was cool.

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My friend said, You have a B.A., Masters, and a Ph.D., but you still act like an idiot!

It was a third degree burn.

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How did the hipster burn his mouth?

He sipped his coffee before it was cool.

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It's said that you can burn up to a 150 calories during sex.

That's a very impressive amount to burn in 2 seconds.

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Water Slide Incident

I go camping a lot and they have 2 different water slides. A normal slide and an inflatable that shoots water out from up top to get it wet.
Someone thought it would be a good idea to jump past where the water was reaching and belly flopped onto a non-wet plastic surface and got Indian burn all on his front side.

He then went to the office to get some aloe oil.


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Zoophil, necrophil, pyroman and masochist sit in the garden.

The zoophile says: Let's catch a cat and rape him.
The necrophilic says: Let's catch a cat, fuck it and kill it.
The pyromaniac says: Let's catch a cat, fuck it, kill it, and burn the body.
The masochist says: Meow.

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Police are on the look out for a group that vandalize and burn bright lit sign boards

They're calling the criminals Neon-Nazis

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My therapist told me to write letters to people I hate and burn them.

And it really worked! I feel much better now! Not sure what to do with all these letters though.

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I dont like making 911 jokes...

They have a tendency to crash and burn

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