Bump

Jokes

A woman goes into labor with her child.

The doctor says that they have invented a new device to transfer the pain of child birth to the father. He asks if it is ok to use the new device. The couple agrees and so he turns the pain to the father to 10%. The man feels nothing. They then bump it up to 20%. He still feels nothing. They keep doing this until they have the machine up to 100%. The man still felt nothing so they go home happy, u


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The other day, I saw a rose making fun of a tulip that had a bump on it's stem, so I stepped on the rose. I'm just doing my part...

...to stop cyst stemic racism.

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A man is walking home late one foggy night...

when behind him he hears:

BUMP!… BUMP!… BUMP!…

Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.

BUMP!… BUMP!… BUMP!…

Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind h


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"What're you looking for?" the cheerful salesperson asked me.

I replied, "Because if I don't, I bump into things."

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The Telegram

**Telegram!**

Oh great, I've always wanted a singing telegram!

**Actually, it's not a** ***singing*** **telegram.**

Oh come on, you could sing it, couldn't you?

**I am not supposed to.**

What if I paid you?

**No, sir.**

$5?

**No.**

$10?

**Sigh... sir, it&


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A convent of nuns go for a bike ride one summer day.

A half mile down the road they hit a speed bump and all the younger nuns start giggling until the mother superior gives them a dirty look.

Another half mile and they hit another speed bump. There's more giggling until the mother superior shushes them.

On the third speed bump the giggling was louder than before. The mother superior said, "That's it! Next t


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A monocle walks into a bar...

After a few drinks he starts to feel pretty good (and a little uncoordinated). He reaches for a cigarette, but the bartender stops him. "Sorry, buddy, but due to city ordinances we don't allow smoking in here. You'll have to step outside to smoke."

So the monocle hops off the bar stool and grabs his cigarettes to head outside. Meanwhile a second monocle emerges fro


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The other day, I saw a rose making fun of a tulip that had a bump on it's stem, so I stepped on the rose.

I'm just doing my part to stop cyst stemic racism.

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A man was walking home one night, when he suddenly heard a loud banging noise.

It was extremely scary, as it was night and almost everyone was asleep. As he turned around, he saw an upright casket, making its way towards, with a loud bash with every jump.
Alarmed, the man began to run, faster and faster, but so did the casket as it bounced its way towards him.
The man found his way to his house and locked his door, but the casket managed to break its way in.


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Did you hear about the man with five penises?

They said his pants fit him like a glove.

Ba dump bump.

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The monocle joke

A monocle walks into a bar. After a few drinks he starts to feel pretty good (and a little uncoordinated). He reaches for a cigarette, but the bartender stops him. "Sorry, buddy, but due to city ordinances we don't allow smoking in here. You'll have to step outside to smoke."

So the monocle hops off the bar stool and grabs his cigarettes to head outside. Meanwhile


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I have a speed bump phobia...

...but I’m slowly getting over it.

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NSFW What do you call two lesbians smoking a bump of crack, rolling a joking, and eventually having sex?

Rock, Paper, Scissors

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Two crossdressers bump into each other

It was a real gender bender

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A tectonic plate bump into another one and said....

My fault.

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You ever hit a speed bump, look back and say...

Well shit that speed bump just barked

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What do you call it when two hand amputees high five eachother?

A stump bump.

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What do you call The Maginot Line in French?

Speed bump ahead.

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"What are you doing?" a man asked his osteopath

A man goes to visit his osteopath to ask about a pain he's feeling in his knee. He gets on the table and the osteopath sets to work massaging and stretching his muscles.

"That feels nice," the man says. "What are you doing?"

"Well," the osteopath says, "I'm working through all the tensions and problems in your life. This knot h


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Two classical composers bump into each other on the street, because one is reading the sheets to his soon-to-be finished symphony.

He quickly hides the sheets in his pocket, but the other composer notices and asks:

„What are you Haydn?“

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Does anybody else see something wrong...

....with a little bump n grind?

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R Kelly has been charged with sexual abuse

I guess there was something wrong with that bump and grind.

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My pregnant wife said she felt the baby kicking...

So I kicked her really hard in the bump. Nobody kicks my fucking wife and gets away with it.

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A man was walking home alone late one night when he hears a BUMP... BUMP... BUMP... behind him.

Walking faster he looks back, and makes out the image of an upright coffin banging its way down the middle of the street towards him ... BUMP... ....BUMP... ....BUMP...

Terrified, the man begins to run towards his home, the coffin bouncing quickly behind him ... faster... faster... BUMP... BUMP... BUMP. He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams an


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What's it called when two crossdressers bump into each other?

A gender bender. *Ba dum tss.*

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What's it called when two trans people bump into each other?

A gender bender.

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Never buy Drugs from a volleyball player

They bump the price up
Set the location
And spike there product

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Still my favorite joke :)

A monocle walks into a bar. After a few drinks he starts to feel pretty good (and a little uncoordinated). He reaches for a cigarette, but the bartender stops him. "Sorry, buddy, but due to city ordinances we don't allow smoking in here. You'll have to step outside to smoke."

So the monocle hops off the bar stool and grabs his cigarettes to head outside. Meanwhile


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In R.Kellys defense.....

He said that he didn’t see nothing wrong with a little bump-n-grind.....

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Long but Funny I Think

A monocle walks into a bar. After a few drinks he starts to feel pretty good (and a little uncoordinated). He reaches for a cigarette, but the bartender stops him. "Sorry, buddy, but due to city ordinances we don't allow smoking in here. You'll have to step outside to smoke."

So the monocle hops off the bar stool and grabs his cigarettes to head outside. Meanwhile


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I believe I can Fly, Bump and Grind, and Ignition by R Kelly were all written in the same key

A minor

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The Coffin

A man was walking home alone late one foggy night, when behind him he hears:

BUMP!… BUMP!… BUMP!…

Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.

BUMP!… BUMP!… BUMP!…

Terrified, the man begins to run to


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What does "Maginot Line" mean in German?

"Speed bump ahead."

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A monocle walks into a bar.

After a few drinks he starts to feel pretty good (and a little uncoordinated). He reaches for a cigarette, but the bartender stops him. "Sorry, buddy, but due to city ordinances we don't allow smoking in here. You'll have to step outside to smoke."

So the monocle hops off the bar stool and grabs his cigarettes to head outside. Meanwhile a second monocle emerges fro


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A monocle walks into a bar.

After a few drinks he starts to feel pretty good (and a little uncoordinated). He reaches for a cigarette, but the bartender stops him. "Sorry, buddy, but due to city ordinances we don't allow smoking in here. You'll have to step outside to smoke."

So the monocle hops off the bar stool and grabs his cigarettes to head outside. Meanwhile a second monocle emerges fro


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Two old college buddies bump into each other

Two old college buddies bump into each other at the reunion after 10 years apart. Jack and Hadid used to be thick as thieves back in college, chasing girls, getting into trouble and all sorts of mischief.

Jack was surprised to find out that Hadid also took up a career in stand up comedy and became immensely popular in Saudi Arabia, so much so that he asked his old friend Jack to fly


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How do you upset a Dolphin?

Bump into him on Porpoise.

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Remember not to Drink and Drive this New Years Eve

You might hit a bump and spill your drink

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We need to keep bump stocks legal...

How else are the blind going to shoot?

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Still my favorite joke I ever made up. :)

A monocle walks into a bar. After a few drinks he starts to feel pretty good (and a little uncoordinated). He reaches for a cigarette, but the bartender stops him. "Sorry, buddy, but due to city ordinances we don't allow smoking in here. You'll have to step outside to smoke."

So the monocle hops off the bar stool and grabs his cigarettes to head outside. Meanwhile


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I love taking my blind daughter out for a drive.

Every time I hit a speed bump, I tell her it was a dog.

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FUNNY JOKE OF THE DAY Bump and Grind

[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fA8sBVltQ68](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fA8sBVltQ68)

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I have a speed bump phobia...

I’m slowly getting over it.

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I have speed bump phobia

But im slowly getting over it

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Bump bump bump

A man is walking home alone late one foggy night..and he hears:

Bump...

Bump...

Bump...

Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street towards him.

Bump...

Bump...

Bump...

Terrified, the man begins to ru


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I love taking my blind daughter out for drives

Every time I hit a speed bump I tell her it was a dog.

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Whats the driver say after he felt a bump, ba-bump under his car?

When did they put speed bumps in the park?

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A monocle walks into a bar.

After a few drinks he starts to feel pretty good (and a little uncoordinated). He reaches for a cigarette, but the bartender stops him. "Sorry, buddy, but due to city ordinances we don't allow smoking in here. You'll have to step outside to smoke."

So the monocle hops off the bar stool and grabs his cigarettes to head outside. Meanwhile a second monocle emerges fro


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A man walked into a bar.

the bar has been charged with malicious assault and the man walks away with a bump on his head.

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How can you tell if you're actually just a character in a Marvel movie?

At some point you'll randomly bump into Stan Lee.

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