Brutus

Jokes

Two friends, named Marcus and Brutus, order a pizza.

After eating some of the pizza, Brutus asks Marcus how many slices of pizza he’s eaten.

Marcus replies by saying

Ate two, Brutus.

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It was Brutus' birthday. And he invited Julius to his party and told that he didn't have to get the cake. When Julius reached there, he just saw Brutus sitting without a birthday cake and asked where the cake was.

Brutus: *While holding a knife* You're the cake

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Two Roman commanders were tasked with conquering the Gauls.



.

One of them, Marcus Maximus, has vigorously trained his fighting men to within an inch of their lives. He thinks he is ready for any eventuality.

“Picts, or it didn’t happen.”

The other, more senior commander, goes by Brutus Quintus. He also has highly trained men under his command but he never goes anywhere without a unit


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Caesar and Brutus decided to have lunch together.

They meet in front of the restaurant and Caesar sees a big knife in Brutus‘ hand.

„Why do you have a knife with you?“ he asks.

Brutus answers: „it’s for the salad later“

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Brutus asked Julius Caesar "How many hot dogs did you eat at the baseball game yesterday?"

and Caesar said "Et tu Brute."

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Brutus: Hey Julius, how many marks did you get in Maths?

Julius: 82, Brute.

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This is my first post on reddit.

It's a joke:

Caesar is on his death bed, Brutus by his side. As his dying wish Caesar asked Brutus for one last request: to play him a piece on his violin. Brutus asked him, "what should I play?" Caesar replied, "etude, Brute?"

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Archaeologists in Rome have recently come across the remains of Brutus.

After some careful measurements, they've found that his height was quite astonishing - he was 98 inches tall!

Caesar even once said to him, "*8' 2", Brute?*"

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Brutus asked Caesar, "How many pieces of pizza have you eaten?"

"Ate two, Brute."

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Two Roman commanders were tasked with conquering the Gauls.



One of them, Marcus Maximus, has vigorously trained his fighting men to within an inch of their lives. He thinks he is ready for any eventuality.

The other, more senior commander, goes by Brutus Quintus. He also has highly trained men under his command but he never goes anywhere without a unit of half-naked northern men painted blue. They are, in fact, a group of Pictish


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What did the roman tattoo artist said to his best friend when he entered the studio?

A tattoo, Brutus?

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What did the roman tattoo artist said to his best friend?

A tattoo, Brutus?

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A waiter asked me if I would try their new "Brutus dressing" with my caesar salad.

I declined, telling him that I thought the dressing backstabbed the whole meal.

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Julius Caesar and Brutus are having a conversation

Brutus asks: “How many apples did you eat last night?”

Julius responds: “Et two, Brute.”

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So when are we going to kill Caesar?

At two, Brutus.

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What did Brutus think about the chicken that he just ate?

Nothing; he's gladiator.

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Julius Caesar....

Is offering his friends some delicious ancient roman pizza (because fuck logic, this is a joke). Everyone eats a single slice. Brutus sneakily eats another one.

Caesar catches him in the act and says

"Ate two, Brute?"

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Caeser ran into his friends Brutus

Brutus said "hey Julius, I heard you raped a Senators wife. What happened?".
Caeser replied. " Vidi Vici Veni!"

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Brutus: "What time is it?"

Caesar: "8:02 Brute"

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It was Caesar's birthday.

It was Caesar's birthday, and as in every year around this time, the Consuls were worrying about what to get him as a present. Brutus in particular was in a bind. How about a villa in the Apennines? He already had six. A Quinquireme? Marcus Antonius bought him a fleet of those last year, the suckup. He went to his wife for advice.

"O Portia, cousin and wife, avail me of you


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Why do they call c-section the caesarian?

Because when brutus stabbed caeser A baby fell out.

Original shit
*drops the mic

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So Julius Caesar is in music class...

and he Brutus, who is sitting next to him, forgets the answer to a question the teacher asked. So, brutus asks Caesar, "What is that type of piece called again?" Caesar replies, "Etude, Brute."

I am known for my terrible puns.

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Julius Caesar goes back to Rome after a baseball game.

Upon his return, he is asked by Brutus if the hotdogs at the stadium were any good. Caesar smiles and answers, "et* two, Brute."

^*note: ^before ^"ate", ^"et" ^was ^the ^past ^tense ^of ^"eat."

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Once upon a time in ancient Rome...

...There lived 3 very important politicians. Brutus was a schemer, and a very ambitious man. No one trusted him, but everyone worked with him. Julius Caesar was unpopular with the politicians of Rome, but the people loved him. Julius was a consul of Rome. Marc Antony was the third politician in question, and he was just the sort of guy that everybody liked.

So Julius Caesar was runnin


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So Caesar was having a meeting with all his generals

and all of them were there. after deliberating and planning and drinking all night without food or rest they were all extremely hungry. So Caesar says to Brutus, "go fetch us a dozen donuts". And Brutus runs threw the market to fetch the donuts. When he got there they were at their freshest and smelled delicious, so he decided "to hell with them" and ate one. As he walked back


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Julius Caesar: Brutus, thats a very nice dagger, is it new?

Brutus: “Thanks, and yes, they had a sale at Traitor Joe’s.”

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