Brilliant

Jokes

A very sad day today. After 7 years of medical training and hard work, a very good friend of mine has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients and can now no longer work in the profession he loves.

What a waste of time, effort, training and money. A genuinely nice guy and a brilliant vet.

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Whilst holidaying in France I saw a group of mushrooms performing Queen covers.

I said 'You're brilliant, what's the band called?'
They replied 'We are the Champignons, my friend'

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I was watching this topless female ventriloquist

She was brilliant, I never saw her lips move.

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Walmart: Our sign will be our name in big brilliant letters with yellow spokes to symbolize our greatness.

Target: Oh yeah? Well our sign will be a giant target so people know what’s up.

Kmart: ....K.

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I beat my cock until it was sore today...

Made brilliant chicken tenders!

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Devastated

A very sad day today. After seven years of training in the medical fields and hard work, a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his clients and can now no longer work in the profession. What a waste of time, effort, training and money. A genuinely nice guy and an absolutely brilliant mortician.


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What do demons do for human's birthdays?

They tare them a party! (This was from the show "the good place" a brilliant show, make sure to give it a try!)

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I went to a Dynamo show the other day...

I went to a Dynamo show the other day with my mom and dad. We were sat in the audience and Dynamo asked for a participant, and me being clever I stuck my arm up thinking he wouldn’t choose me.

“You there!”

Crap, so I walked on down and he said pass me your watch, now bare in mind this watch costed me £200 and that I had only bought it other day. S


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What do you get when Redditors come up with a brilliant idea?

A punning clan with a cunning plan!

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Brilliant

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I become absolutely brilliant when under the influence of legal socially accepted social lubricants and mind-altering substances.

So brilliant, in fact, that I’m capable of recognizing that using run-on sentences with a greater than average sum of multisyllabic verbiage does not actually make me brilliant.

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Brilliant idea for a start-up

Imma build a new operating system which, when the disk gets full, randomly deletes half your files.

Gonna call it thanOS.

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My father always told me lick the knife to get the last little bit of meat juices.

Brilliant dad, terrible surgeon.

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My friend's dog has been trained to sniff drugs.

It's brilliant, he can even roll up his own $20 bill.

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Ole, while not a brilliant scholar, was a gifted portrait artist. His fame grew and soon people from all over the country were coming to Minnesota to have portraits done.

One day, a stretch limo pulled up to his house.

Inside was a beautiful woman, who asked Ole if he would paint her in the nude. This was the first time anyone had made this request of Ole.

The woman said money was no object. She was willing to pay $50,000.

Not wanting to get into trouble with his wife, Ole asked the woman to wait while he went in the house a


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I compiled a list of eleven jokes. The first ten are brilliant and the last one is gold.

1) Brilliant

2) Brilliant

3) Brilliant

4) Brilliant

5) Brilliant

6) Brilliant

7) Brilliant

8) Brilliant

9) Brilliant

10) Brilliant

11) Gold

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My grief counsellor died today :(

...but luckily he was brilliant, so I didn't give a shit.

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Who wrote the prequel to 20,001 leagues under the sea?

I don't know but I Joyce realized he's brilliant!

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This is brilliant.

```
_________
/_|_____|_\
'. \ / .'
'.\ /.'
'.'
```

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My grandma told me this one

An American, Irishman and Japanese man are sitting naked in a sauna.
Suddenly, something started beeping rapidly. The American pressed his forearm and the beeping stopped. He explained: that was my pager. I have a microchip installed in under my skin. A few minutes later, a telephone rang. The Japanese lifted his palm to his ear and answered. When he finished, he explained that he has a mic


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I am devastated. Today is a very sad day...

After seven years of training and hard work, a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.

He slept with one of his clients, and, because of that, can now no longer work in his profession. What a waste of time, effort, training, and money.

A genuinely nice guy, and an absolutely brilliant mortician.


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My friend found a brilliant sausage website

I’ve asked him to send me a link

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Do your want to hear a brilliant time traveler joke?

Do you wanna hear me again?

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A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich bird behind him.

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich bird behind him.

The waitress asks them for their orders.

The man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke,' and turns to the ostrich, 'What's yours?'

'I'll have the same,' says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order '


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A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich bird behind him.



The waitress asks them for their orders.

The man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke,' and turns to the ostrich, 'What's yours?'

'I'll have the same,' says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and the man reaches into his pocket and


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A good friend of mine has been fired for a minor indiscretion after 7 years of medical school.

He slept with one of his patients and can no longer work in the profession.

What a waste of time, money, and effort. He's still paying back his college loans. Just goes to show that one tiny mistake can ruin your life. My thoughts to him and his family.

He really is a good man, and a brilliant veterinarian.


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A blind date

a guy was feeling rather lonely as of late and asked one of his friends to set him up on a blind date.

His friend says " sure, I know just the person, she loves hiking just like you so maybe you two can go for a hike in the woods as a first date?" the guy thought this was a brilliant idea.

anyhow, the day of the date comes round and he was half way to spot where


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Classmate: Why is that watet called 'smart' water?

Me: Because it's 70 percent like me. If it was 100 percent like me It would be called brilliant water (and also would be a lot grosser)

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I worked for the Samaritans for many years, and I often dealt with many desperate cases, on the verge of suicide.

I must have been brilliant at it, as none of the fuckers ever rang back.

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A guy was talking to his friend about his dream...

**Guy:** I want to become a chef someday! But not just any chef! I want to be a chef that can make a meal so wonderful, so brilliant, that no matter who eats it they'll just get so happy and get the biggest smile on their face!

**Friend:** Like pot brownies?

**Guy:** *NO!*

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Today I donated some stuff...

Today I donated my wallet and my phone to a homeless man on the street. The look in his face was brilliant, and you can imagine my happiness when I saw him out away the pistol.

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My grandfather was a brilliant artist.

He had an amazing stroke.

​

​

​

That's how he died.

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Dating apps are brilliant, I even met my wife on one...

This triggered our divorce.

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George Bush, pope, and little school boy

Are on a plane travelling at heights. Suddenly the captain announces

"Too much weight, we need to lose some"

Unfortunately there is only one parachute.

Then Bush announces

"I am the most brilliant man in the United States, I must survive."

Therefore he crabs a chute and jumps

But that is not enough, s


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BRILLIANT STUDENT !!

TEACHER: why did you come late ?

STUDENT: There is a sign on my way "slow down school a head" so i walked slow.

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Very, very, very sad day.

VERY VERY VERY SAD DAY. A good friend of mine, after 7 years of medical school and training has been fired for one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients and can no longer work in the profession. What a waste of time,  effort, training and money. He is still paying his school loans. This just goes to show you one minor mistake can ruin your life. Thoughts for him and his famil


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Did you know the word "dumb" is actually from the Greek word for "brilliant"?

Neither did I until I made it up. Have a good day friend!

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Soon enough, Apple will make the brilliant move of following a big trend in the gaming industry...

..."remastering" the ORIGINAL iPhone rather than releasing a new model.

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I bought some of that emo grass seed, it's brilliant.

The grass cuts itself.

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Bryan sits in a bar, attempting to come up with a name for his ice cream company.

Bryan: I’ve got it! *Breyers!*

Dryan: **Sitting next to him, visibly drunk** Brilliant.

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A young manager was finishing up late at work

When he was leaving there was only one other person in the office.
He noticed it was the owner of the company standing by a Shredder with a sheet of paper looking confused.
He approached him and asked if he was alright.
The owner said "my secretary has gone home and she always does these things for me", and asked "do you know how to work this machine".


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Two aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married.

The ceremony was rubbish - but the reception was brilliant.

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Gary Oldman in the darkest hour

I finally watched the ‘the Darkest Hour’ and Gary Oldman was absolutely brilliant in it. I wanted to see what other movies he had been in, so I googled him but forgot the ‘r’.

I can’t unsee what I just saw..

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Youre a brilliant asshole

You must use bleach.

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Theres a brilliant new car launching in Portugal this year, it has one of the biggest boots ever made.

It’s called the Renault McCann.

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I read a flyer about a special type of balloon that used brilliant new technology to fly.

[deleted]

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A blond is starting in 2nd grade

On the first day she comes home to her mother and eagerly yells: "Mom! Mom! Today we had English and I knew more words and could spell better than any other kid! Is it because I am a blonde?"
"No, honey", said the mother, "It is simply because you are smarter and more knowledgeable than the other kids."
The next day she comes home and screams "


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Brilliant Student

Teacher: Tell me a sentence that starts with an "I".
Student: I is the...
Teacher: Stop! Never put 'is' after an "I". Always put 'am' after an "I".
Student: OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.

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I'm in a band called Redundancies and we are brilliant.

But I feel like that didn't need to be said.

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VERY, VERY SAD DAY.

A good friend of mine, after 7 years of medical school and training has been fired for one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients and can no longer work in the profession. What a waste of time, effort, training and money. He's still paying on his school loans. This just goes to show one minor mistake can ruin your life. Thoughts for him and his family. He really is a great guy


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