Breathing

Jokes

In the middle of a summer, Bubba and Billy Ray are fishing in a lake, while a tourist on water skis keeps doing circles around their boat...

After a while, Bubba mutters:

"That guy sure's scarin' away all them fish with that racket..."

"Sure is," Billy Ray agrees.

"Say," Bubba suggests, "why don't we smack an oar next time he passes us, an' splash him?"

Billy Ray likes the idea, and they do just that - but the startled skier


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There were two hunters out in the woods

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Who the hell thought that fee speech was a good idea?

If you're gonna tax me for talking, you might as well charge me for breathing too.

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Studies show that breathing Oxygen creates violence.

Studies have shown link between breathing and violence. The average person breathes for around 168 hours a week, and what do criminals also do. Breathe. Our young are being corrupted by this new oxygen. Defend your children, stop breathing.

\#StopBreathing

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Meditation

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Upvote if ur breathing

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Persident Trump was informed today of the death of 4 Brazilian soldiers in Afganistan...

the advisor concluded that the men were participating in a joint military exercise aganist a ISIS stronghold, when the deaths occured.

He was hardly allowed to finish when the Presidents face fell grim. His usual healthy, orange color was replaced with a pale, sickly white. He clutched his chest with his right hand and visibly had stopped breathing. He asked to be excused as he quickl


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Keanu Reeves was charged in court today

for causing breathing difficulties to people around him

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I had a checkup at the doctor's today

She shone the light in my eyes, listened to my breathing then stopped and looked at me gravely and said, "Bob, you need to stop masturbating."

I says "What, why?"

"Because I'm examining you right now."

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"I'll get it"

A wife said to her husband as the phone rang

On the line, a pervert, breathing heavily, said, "I bet you have a tight ass-hole with no hair".

"Yes", she responded. "He's watching TV"

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Wife, Has the mailman come yet?

Husband, “No, but he’s breathing hard.”

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Telephone call

A pervert makes a phone call and a woman answers.The pervert, with heavy breathing, says, "I bet you have a tight arse with no hair?"Woman replies, "Yes, he's watching the football - who shall I say is calling?"

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A feminist walked into a bar

Haha you’re manually breathing

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A monkey was smoking a joint at the top of a tree.

As he took a puff, a lizard walked by. The lizard asks, "What's that smell, and what are you smoking?" Monkey replies, "Banana Kush. Wanna hit?" The lizard takes a huge drag and coughs it's lungs out.

An hour later the lizard gets cotton mouth. He climbs down, and heads toward the river. As the lizard leans in for a drink, he falls in. A crocodile saves


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Two hunters are walking in the forest.

One of them stops breathing and falls to the ground. Panicking, the other hunter calls 911 and says,” My friend just stopped breathing, what should I do?”
911 says,” Everything will be fine, just make sure he’s dead first.” There is silence and then a gunshot. The hunter says,” Okay, what next?”


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(My wife is pregnant)

Doctor: We have big news for your baby.
Wife: Wow! Just don’t tell us the gender, we want to keep it a surprise!
Doctor: Haha, well, ‘it’ is not breathing

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Why did the richest man suddenly stop breathing?

Because Tony Stark dies in the end of Avengers Endgame while trying to use the infinity gauntlet on Thanos but just kills himself like some stupid idiot while Thanos survives.

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Two hunters were in the woods

Two hunters were in the woods, when one collapsed. He didn’t seem to be breathing. The other called the emergency number and said, “ My friend is dead, what do I do!” The operator said, “ Calm down, I can help. First make sure he’s dead.” After a second of silence on the hunter’s end, the operator heard a gunshot. The hunter came back on the phone a


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An aussie phones an ambulance

An Aussie phones an ambulance because his mate's been just hit by a car....
**Aussie** : Get an ambulance here quick, he's bleeding from his nose and ears and I think both his legs are broken.
**Operator** : What is your location sir?
**Aussie** : On Eucalyptus Street.
**Operator** : How do you spell that sir?
*Silence.... (heavy breat


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There was a penguin breathing with his ass. One day he sat down

Then he died

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My nephew is a hog

He keeps breathing all the air in the room; like his life actually depends on it.

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People say I run on auto pilot...

but now your breathing is set to manual.

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A casual sperms meeting

Some sperms are gathered together and discuss their future plans with each other.

Sperm 1 : I’m gonna be a doctor

Sperm 2 : I’m gonna be an Engineer

Sperm 3 : I’m gonna be a pilot

Sperm 4 : F**k all of you I’m gonna be a dad

Meanwhile a sperm comes running in breathing heavily and says: motherf**krs run for


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After reading this....

You'll switch to manual breathing.

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Im really improving on my anger managment

But this whole “breathing” thing really fucking annoys me...

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A couple driving home run over a badger they get out and find it is still breathing but freezing cold

Husband says, "put it between your legs to keep it warm",

Wife replies "but it is all wet and it stinks,

He say, "well hold the badgers nose then!"

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When youre going somewhere

And someone asks “are you coming”
Try replying with “no, just breathing hard”

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Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses.

He's not breathing so his friend calls 911. 'My friend is dead! What should I do?" The operator replies, "Calm down sir, first make sure that he's really dead." There's a silence, then a loud bang. Back on the phone, the guy says, "Ok, now what?"

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I tried and failed to make an underwater breathing machine in Minecraft.

I just conduit.

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What do you get when you mix a cat and a fire-breathing dragon?

a nice cat

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A woman gets in a cab late one night

As she is approaching her destination, she taps the driver on the shoulder and says "It's the next exit on your left."

The driver screams, slams on the breaks and the car skids to a halt along the side of the road.

"What the hell?!" screams the terrified woman, completely confused.

The driver is leaning of the wheel, breathing heavily


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What do you do when Team Rocket stops breathing?

You give them Meowth to Meowth.

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Did the postman come yet?

No, but he is already breathing quite heavily.

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Telephone rings, woman answers.



Pervert, breathing heavily, says,

"I bet you have a tight arse with no hair?"

Woman replies, "Yes, I have,

He's watching the football ... Who shall I say is calling?"

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This is the story of a penguin who was breathing through his anus.

**He sat down, and died.**

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Why did the guy who could do sums with his asshole have a hard time breathing?

He did it too assmatically

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I almost always have a blocked nose, so when I don't, I make sure to savour it.

I just won't stop breathing.

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A priest was breathing his last on his deathbed. He was asked by his family if he had any last wishes...

After a deep, troubled breath, he muttered, "nun".

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How long can you last without breathing ?

Post this on r/AskReddit and you've become a litteral r/ThreadKillers

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Who long can you last without breathing ?

Post this on r/askreddit and you've become a litteral r/threadkiller

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Respiratory pun (a breath of fresh air)

Once, I met a person whose lungs were so old that she had a hard time breathing out. I guess you could say that her lungs were past their expiration date.

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Telephone rings, woman answers.



​

Pervert, breathing heavily, says,

"I bet you have a tight arse with no hair?"

Woman replies, "Yes, I have,

He's watching the football ... Who shall I say is calling?"


\#copied

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They say yoga without breathing is just stretching.

It's actually called passing out.

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What's the difference between driving and breathing?

Not everyone knows how to drive manual, but those who do sometimes prefer it.


On the other hand, everyone knows how to breath manually, but no one prefers to.


Sorry in advance

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The details in big hero 6

I just watched Big hero 6 and I loved it! I loved the details in it, Tadashi' s subtle breathing. I got disappointed when they got lazy and stopped animating it though.

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After smoking 2 packs of cigarettes a day since the age of 18, my grandfather finally stopped...

breathing.

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A lady answers her telephone

The phone rings, and a lady answers. There's a pervert breathing heavily at the other end, who says "I bet you've got a tight ass with no hair." The lady says "Why yes, he's currently watching television in the living room. Do you want me to pass the phone to him?"

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I made my front yard into a cemetery for Halloween... then my neighbor put a fog breathing dragon on his roof.

I told him if he wanted a dick measuring contest he could have asked his wife.

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I went to a mythological themed party dressed as Hydra. While I was in the toilet having a wee, I could feel this guy behind me...

So I turned around and said, "Can you please stop breathing down my necks?"

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How to kill Darth Vader

Darth Vader: Breaths in your ear heavily
You: Stop breathing.

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