Breath

Jokes

You are like my asthma

You take my breath away.

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Beaver (B) was casually floating down the river when he noticed Monkey (M) by the riverside who was smoking a pot.

B: Hey Monkey! *pointing at the pot* What's that?
M: A pot. Want some?
B: Yep.
M: Here, take it. I guess for best results you should inhale, dive, and hold your breath for a while.

Beaver does what Monkey has said, and gets carried away by the current. After a minute or two Hippo who was swimming underwater nearby notices Monkey and emerges to say hello.
<


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A man was eating the 7th planet from the sun.... what did his breath smell like?

83% hydrogen, 15% helium and 2% methane.

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A man is talking with his pet fish,

The fish tells the man that the word "gullible" is on the ceiling, the man looks and sees nothing on the ceiling.

The fish mutters under it's breath, "Heh, gillable."

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Gasps

I cannot breath. This only works because I am typing. People that say they cannot breath are wrong. You can't talk when you can't breath. If you type slowly and cannot breath, and you are verbose...

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Heres what you can do to stop global warming: chew a gum and drink some cold water then breath that shit cold

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Lipstick

Apparently Julie Andrews will no longer be endorsing Rimmel Vibrant Shades lipstick, as she claims it breaks too easily and makes her breath smell. In a statement she said "The super colour fragile lipstick gives me halitosis!"

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Why did the construction worker, with fresh breath, get fired?

Because he accidentally ordered 100 pounds of some mint

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So, a hearse was driving down the road....

when suddenly the hatch flew open and the coffin started sliding across the road. The driver tried to chase after it, and it flew right past a pharmacy. So the driver runs into the pharmacy out of breath and yells to the pharmacist:

"You got anything that can stop this coughin!?"

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Mary Poppins Decided To Grow Some Vegetables

Mary Poppins decides to grow some vegetables. When she picks her crop in the autumn, her carrots, potatoes, onions, and spring beans have all failed, but her cauliflowers have grown a treat.

She picks them, cooks some for Sunday lunch in a cheese sauce, and they taste wonderful.

After eating them for a week she notices two things. Firstly, her lips are full and glossy, un


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There was once a guy who was obsessed with tractors.

There was once a guy who was obsessed with tractors. One day he fell off his tractor and never went on one again.

He came home one day and found his house on fire. Taking a deep breath, he blew away all the smoke.

"How'd you do that?" Asked his wife.

The man replied "I'm an ex-tractor fan"


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So there was once a guy who really liked Tractors

So there was once a guy who really liked Tractors. This man was out riding his Tractor one afternoon when he fell off and broke his leg. It was this day when he vowed to never touch Tractors again. One day, about 1 month later, the man and his wife were out at a bar and came home to their house full of smoke. The man opened the door, and took in a deep breath, sucking all the smoke into his lu


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You actually cant breath if you are smiling

Just kidding, i just wanted to male u smile

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There was a man who was obsessed with tractors

He loved them, he lived for them

Anyway, one day he fell off his tractor and broke his leg, and never went on one again.

A few years later the man came home from the pub with a couple of his mates only to find his house was filled with smoke.

He took in a massive breath and blew all the smoke out of his house.

His mate exclaimed "How the hel


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My ex says I have a tic-tac dick...

And she wonders why her mom's breath is so minty fresh.

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Crackers poetry oc

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Im not sure why people think my breath smells.

I mean, I brush my teeth every 3 days, not sure what the deal is.

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As we know, Gandhi was barefoot most of his life. This produced an impressive amount of callouses on his feet.

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What is the moral of Every Breath You Take?

If you're being stalked your first move shouldn't always be to call the police.

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What is pink and fluffy?

Pink fluff

What is blue and fluffy?

Pink fluff holding it's breath

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Two cowboys were lost in the desert and were starving hungry.

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Two cowboys

Two cowboys were wandering the desert, lost and starving. Finally in the distance they see a tree draped in bacon.


"Look!", says one cowboy. "It'sa bacon tree, were saved!"


He runs to the tree but is suddenly shot down in a hail of bullets.


With his dying breath he says, "It's not a bacon tree, it's


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Julie Andrews has officially stated

That she will no longer endorse cheap lipstick, due to it crumbling easily and making her breath smell. She explained,

“ The super color fragile lipstick gives me halitosis.”

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What do you call a lifeguard without a breath?

Dead

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What is a breath of fresh air?

A JI

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Man Goes to the Dentist

Man: Hey doc your breath smells

Dentist: \*Covers his mouth with his arm\*

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Theres a man that really likes tractors

But he has no friends because no one else likes tractors but one day he found out about a tractor convention in town so he thought maybe he could find some one else who likes tractors to be his friend

At the convention he see’s a really nice tractor so he gets in and pretends to drive it but then he is kicked out of the convention

Because he didn’t make any


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Golf Jokes

I was golfing today and I decided to share some jokes my dad told me.

I was putting and I only putted half way to the hole and my dad looks at me and said, “nice put, does your boyfriend golf too?”

Also a good thing to ask someone while they are teeing up is, “do you breath in or out on your back swing?” It’ll mess em so bad


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A blonde goes to the hairdresser

A blonde goes to the hairdresser wearing headphones. The hairdresser asks her to take her headphones off. No! The blonde replies. But m’ am, your headphones are in the way, please take them off. No! The blonde says again. Because the blonde refuses to take her headphones off, the hairdresser sees but 1 option and pulls the headphones off of the blonde’s head. The blonde yells and after


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A crow flies into the tent of the ringmaster of an internationally famous circus.

"I hear you're looking for new acts," says the crow in a marvelously clear voice.

The ringmaster blinks a couple of times and says, "Are you talking?"

"Of course I'm talking," the crow replied with a scoff. "I talk, I speak seventeen languages, I sing baritone with perfect pitch. I'm diverse. And my demands are few."<


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You cant breath through your nose while smiling.

Of course you can, I just wanted to make you smile!

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A man is walking home late one foggy night...

when behind him he hears:

BUMP!… BUMP!… BUMP!…

Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him.

BUMP!… BUMP!… BUMP!…

Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind h


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My nanny once told me of an emotionally distant but insecure yogi who fell ill and subsequently developed bad breath.

It was a super callous fragile mystic down with halitosis.

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Once a guys called his girlfriend but she didn't pickup.

After many tries she finally picked up, panting and out of breath. The guy very concerned asked, "What were you doing babe". "Just dancing to the ringtone".

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I find hiccups sk amazing.

They're just so breath-taking.

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A woman went to the doctor and talked about her love life

“No matter what I do or how hard I try it seems like all the men I talk to leave”

Curious the doctor started taking as many tests that he could think of and finally he came to a solution

“What is it doc? Is it bad” asked the woman

The doctor replied “well I have come to the conclusion that you have a case of the zactlys”


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If you see a blond girl wearing a headphone

Don't ever take her headphone of. I ones did and a few moments later she died. Listening to her headphone i understood why she died. I heard : breath in, breath out!

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What do you call it when someone with hot breath waves at you?

Heatwave

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What was the guy killed by John Wick with a pencil last words?

"You're taking my breath!"

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What's the first thing Darth Vader does when he takes his helmet off?

Taking a breath.

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A man steals a car and goes to prison...

When he arrives he hears one of the prisoners shout "#43!" and all the other prisoners break out laughing.
So the man goes up to his cell mate and asks "What was that, and why was it so funny?"
"well, we have all been here so long that we have all memorized everyone else's jokes and assigned each of them a number." His c


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A jew is on his death bed...

As he breathes his last breath he calls for his wife,"Angella are you here." The wife replies sobbing " yes dear here i am." He then asks for his two sons. The wife now choking up replies "yes dear they are here too. By your side." The man coughs and gathers up breath to ask for his daughter. The wife now crying unctrollably says "every one is here dear. We are


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My girlfriend just left me because I have bad breath

Now I also have abandon mint issues.

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Pollution will make our air too toxic to breathe if our governments don't take action soon

But I'm not holding my breath

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What the sequel to breath of the wild should be called.

It should be called Death of the wild. OHHHHHHHH FUNNNY JOKE.

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How broke am I?

I'm having a deep breath for lunch

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A man goes to a doctor, and the doctor begins examining him.

After a short while, the doctor stands up, takes a deep breath, shakes his head and says "I'm sorry, but you're going to have to stop masturbating".

"Why?" asks the man.

"Because I'm trying to examine you".

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A crow flies into the tent of the ringmaster of an internationally famous circus.

"I hear you're looking for new acts," says the crow in a marvelously clear voice.

The ringmaster blinks a couple of times and says, "Are you talking?"

"Of course I'm talking," the crow replied with a scoff. "I talk, I speak seventeen languages, I sing baritone with perfect pitch. I'm diverse. And my demands are few."<


read more
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A crow flies into the tent of the ringmaster of an internationally famous circus.

"I hear you're looking for new acts," says the crow in a marvelously clear voice.

The ringmaster blinks a couple of times and says, "Are you talking?"

"Of course I'm talking," the crow replied with a scoff. "I talk, I speak seventeen languages, I sing baritone with perfect pitch. I'm diverse. And my demands are few."<


read more
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An elderly couple, a priest, and a doctor walk into a bar

As they are sitting down and drinking, they eventually start talking about conception and the question of “when does life begin”.

The priest said in the Bible it states that life begins at conception Jeremiah 1:5 “Before I formed you in the womb I knew you”. This is God’s word so it is true.

The doctor looked at the priest funny and said, &ld


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