My mom gave me the money for the light bill but instead I spent it on a raffle ticket for a brand new car.

And the next day, wouldn't you believe it, a brand new van showed up in our drive way! - It was the power company, my funeral is tomorrow

A beer brand made my friend a lot smarter

In other words, it made my bud wiser

You know how drinks always mention "Please drink responsibly" ?

... Well I want to start a beef jerky brand that mentions "Please jerk responsibly"

What is a skeletons favorite chocolate brand?

Patella.

Bob Barker has died

He got hit by A BRAND NEW CAR!!!


In all seriousness, I love Bob, but a drunk patient (shout-out to Fredrick the drunk) told me that last night and I rolled.

Donald Trump decided to sell his own brand of trampolines

He decided to name it the Donald Jump.

Conor McGregor assaulted a man for not drinking his brand name whiskey.

That actually seems like an effective marketing strategy.

I remember once..

..when my dad gave me money to pay the electricity bill but instead I bought the lottery ticket for a brand new car. When I got home, I explained to my dad what I did and he beat the crap out of me. But the next day, when my dad woke up and opened the door, there was a brand new car outside my house. We all cried especially me, because the car was from the electricity company, they were there to c

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What can you always assume when buying a used BMW?

The turn signal will always be in brand-new condition.

Thinking of starting a liquor brand and getting free advertising from the other major labels

I'm going to call it "responsibly"

My dad gave me some money to pay off the electricity bill.

But I bought a raffle ticket for a brand new car instead. When I got home, I told my dad what had happened but he beat the crap out of me.

The next day my dad woke up and went outside. He noticed a brand new car parked outside our driveway. We were all celebrating our victory but it turned out that the car belonged to the electricity company who had come by to cut off our electricity

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My dad once caught me smoking a Camel. He got so mad, he made me smoke the whole pack...

...just to teach me about brand loyalty.

So 2 old guys are sitting on a park bench

The first guys turns to the other guy and says "hey I got a brand new hearing aid" the second guy replies saying "oh really? What kind is it?" the first guy says "oh it's about 3:30"

What brand of soap can get you laid when you use it backwards?

Dial

The brand new frosted cereal for people with tourettes!

Theeeeiiirrrrrr grandma's a bitch!

Statistics show that people tend to overdose in one particular brand of car

Hyundai

My familys new truck

I remember once when I was a younger kid living with my parents, my dad gave me some money to go down to the grocery store to pay the electricity bill.

Thinking I was a super lucky kid & kind of smart, I decided to buy scratch-off tickets instead. Surprise, surprise - yeah, none of them were winners. When I got home, I tried to explain "But dad, we could have won a new tr

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Just put a deposit down on a brand new Porsche and posted on Facebook that I can't wait for the new 911 to arrive.

10000 random Muslims have now added me as a friend.

What's the most popular drink brand for sharks?

Minnesota

My brand new car with a v8 engine just wont start

No matter how much v8 I pour in there, it just stutters and shuts down again.

I just bought a brand new chainsaw for $10

It was a Stihl

What's a meninist's favorite brand of chocolate?

Him-he's.

Calling your bug spray company "Off" is really smart because when your thrifty wife tells you to buy the "off brand" you'll still be buying the expensive name brand item.

had this thought last night and I need help turning this into a joke

Today I realized that Ill need to live to be 91 in order to be around for the USAs 300th birthday (July 4, 2076). So I have a brand new goal in life...

... Find a really nice Ouija board so my grandchildren can let me know how it goes.

I said to my friend: "Coincidentally, my favourite brand of computer is also my favourite music group from the late 1980s."

He said: "Who?"

"Dell, arsehole!"

Trying out jokes

Brand new to this, and wondering if there’s anyone I can get some feedback/advice on some jokes and things I’ve written. Very interested in speaking with someone who has been in the game for longer than I have.

What size and brand condom does Tom Selleck use?

Magnum P Nine.

My boss arrived at work in a brand-new Porsche.

I said, "Wow, that's an amazing car!"

He replied, "If you work hard, put all your hours in, and strive for excellence, I'll get another one next year".

What is Communist Italy famous car brand?

LabOURghini

My boss showed up to work in a brand new Bentley

I complimented him on the quality of his ride. He said “well son if you work hard and put in those extra hours, in a few years I’ll get another.”

The Vans brand has a really checkered past.

Sorry if this was Off the Wall.

What brand of tools do lesbian contractors prefer?

Snap-On

I remember...

I remember once when my dad gave me money to pay the electricity bill but instead i bought a raffle ticket for a brand new car. When i got home,i explained to my dad what i did and he beat the crap out of me. But the next day,when my dad woke up and opened the door,outside my house was a brand new car. We all cried especially me,because the car was from the electricity company,they were there to c

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What's the difference between A Jewish Person and Harry Potter

Harry's brand is on his forehead.

A girl goes to a brand new supermarket.

Her friends: "Way to go girl!!"

In France, apples are stuffed with rocks to make a brand new fruit.

It's called a pomme-et-granite.

Saw this homeless guy in the street and thought to myself, this guy needs a better quality of life.

So I found a warehouse and got him a brand new cardboard box.

Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Arlene: What in the hell is that?

Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Arlene: Where did you get it?

Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.

The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind o

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Why doesnt Aldi have its own brand of nuts?

They could call it Aldi’s nuts.

Ha got emm

Once in a small town lived a guy, who dreamt of having a car

He was fascinated by their speed and beauty, yet his parents wouldn't agree to fulfil his dream and buy it for him. So he changed various jobs, worked part-time and ran errands, anything just to get a bit closer to saving up for that final trophy. But as time came by his bank account didn't seem to be growing as rapidly as he would wish if at all and the poor guy almost gave up all hopes

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Dont buy dynamite from the brand Doritos

When I lit it on fire it didn’t explode

Actual computer brand related joke

A guy with an MacBook walks into a computer club.
Everyone stares at him.
The club was a Windows PC club. The guy has an Apple. 'Nuff said.

What do you call off-brand Viagra?

Hard candy

Why is the coca-cola brand coloured red?

The colour-coded labels didn’t emphasise the sugar levels enough.

If Bill Gates and Elon Musk created a brand of viagra what would it be called?

ElonGates

A rich man and a poor man have the same wedding anniversary

A rich man and a poor man have the same wedding anniversary. Every year they meet each other on Madison Avenue when they’re shopping for their wives.
They meet and the poor man says to the rich man, “So what did you get your wife this year?” And the rich man says back, “I got her a huge diamond ring and a brand new Mercedes.”
The poor man asks, “Wh

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I just invented a brand new word!

Plagiarism

Let that sink in

Guy 1 - Hey I heard you're dating my ex girlfriend! How do you like using second hand?
Guy 2 - Well after the first two inches it's like brand new!

Brand new sub-reddit

If you want to see stupid and dark jokes try out my brand new sub-reddit r/retardjokes.

We will be giving away a the moderator position to the first 3 people who join this new community.

Make sure to read the rules and there descriptions before you do anything just so that you know what is right from wrong.

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A woman wanted to prove to her family which of her 3 son-in-laws loved her the most...

She came up the idea that she would take each of them to the lake one day, and fall in on purpose in order to see how each one reacts.

On the first day she took the oldest son-in-law with her. She purposely fell into the lake when he wasn't looking, and started acting like she was drowning. "Save me!!" She yelled. The oldest son didn't hesitate one second, and jump

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