Bowels

Jokes

When a cow takes a shit....

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Three senior citizens are sitting on a park bench complaining about their failing bodies.

“Every morning, I get up at 6 a.m.,” the first man explains, “and I try to pee, but nothing but a trickle comes out.” The second man adds, “I get up at 6 A.M. too, and it feels like I’ve got to move my bowels, but I sit down on the toilet and nothing happens.”

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The third man chimes in the conversation and tells his


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I had to fire some of my body parts this morning.

My bowels were relieved of their duties.

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Ancient Hebrews believed the bowels were where feelings came from.

Turns out, it was full of shit.

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There was a terrorist with a bomb attached to his bowels.

He had explosive diarrhea.

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Can't control your bowels and get those nasty diarrhea stains out of your pants. Well, I've got the product for you...

Call now and by our all in one spray, Gone-rrhea! Just because you're day is shitty doesn't mean your pants have to be

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They say true beauty is inside...

But so are your bowels, and they’re full of shit.

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Constipated

My boyfriend is a right dick! He told me the best cure for constipation was anal sex, I didn't believe him at first but after some persuasion he talked me into it and I let him stick his fat knob in my tiny little asshole. He shagged me up the ass really hard then after a while shot his muck deep into my bowels. He just rung me this morning saying he wants to try it again because he's st


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What's the shittiest Studio Ghibli movie?

Bowels Moving Castle

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Why does the Arby's commercials yell at you?

Is that because that is what your stomach and bowels will be doing for the rest of the day?

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How long does it take for an African American women to release her bowels?

[deleted]

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I love loose bowels...

[deleted]

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Have you heard of the hypochondriac who had issues with his bowels?

He was always full of shit

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Chief Bowels

During the American Wild West era, a group of American railroad engineers came across a Native American tribe living right where their planned railroad was intended to be built. Not wishing to cause any harm to the Native Americans by forcibly removing them, the engineers met with Chief Bowels of the Native American tribe in his teepee to try to convince him to move the tribe.

&ldquo


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My doctor said that she thinks I have irritable bowel syndrome.

I'm not surprised, I irritate everyone else so it makes sense that my bowels would be sick of my shit.

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A long sad story...

These questions were part of a GED examination. The answers are genuine, from 18 year olds taking the exam. Spelling has been corrected in some instances for legibility.These are the people who will inherit America!



Q. Name the four seasons.
A.. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q. How is dew formed?
A.. The sun shines down on leaves and makes


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I do NOT trust my bowels...

I just think they're full of shit ಠ_ಠ

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My bowels told me that if I swallow a seed a plant will grow inside me

[deleted]

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Doc, give it to me straight. How is my wife doing?

Doctor: I'm so sorry. The accident has left her in a vegetative-like state and I don't think she'll ever recover. She can barely move her limbs, if at all, and will be confined to a bed or wheelchair without the ability to ever walk again. You'll need to care for her 24/7, clothe her, feed her, bathe her, and she'll have no control of her bladder or bowels. Again, I'm


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Saw a doctor about my bowels.

He said, "How bad is it?"

"Very." I replied.

"Have you had any 'accidents'?" he asked.

"Yes, about six hours ago," I replied, "While I was in the waiting room."

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I just came in from ________ and boy are my ________ tired.

Taco Bell, Bowels

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What part of the body does a woman never move while dancing

Her bowels

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My favorite Gilbert Gottfried joke (paraphrased)

A man gets a call late one night, waking him.

"Sir, this is Dr. Johnson from the hospital, your wife has been in a terrible accident. We were able to save her, but she suffered total paralysis below the neck. For the rest of her life, you will have to feed her, bathe her, and dress her. She will have no control of her bowels whatsoever. She will urinate and defecate on herself u


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An old Indian living in a tent....

An old Indian is living in a tent in a field. One day, construction workers drive their equipment into this field and find the old Indian. They ask him "Old Indian, what's your name?" The old Indian says "Bowels". Construction workers say "Well, you're going to have to move. We're building something here and you're in the way." Old Indian say


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Good news and bad news.

The doctor turns to his patient:
"Well, I have the results of the tests back. It's good news and bad, I'm afraid."

"Okay, what's the bad news?"

"The bad news is you have a rare degenerative condition. Within five years, you'll be confined to bed, unable to control your bowels or feed yourself. You'll have no sense of


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Chief Bowels and the Whore House

One day Chief Bowels desired the feel of a white woman so he went to the local brothel - he walks into the brothel and demands to the lady at the front desk "me want white woman! NOW!" the lady somewhat taken aback by the Chiefs commands says "whoa whoa, calm down there chief... now a white woman is nothing compared to Indian Squaws... I think you need more practice." "NO!


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Funny Classics to Enjoy

These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)

Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists

Q. How is dew formed
A. The sun shines


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Bowels no move

An Indian named Chief Bowels lived in a teepee on the reservation. One day he received a letter from the state division of highways that said that they were going to build a freeway and it would go right through where his teepee was located and he would have to move.

He was very upset about this because his ancestors had lived in that exact place for many generations.

H


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Geriatric problems

Three old men are sitting on the porch of a retirement home. The first says: "Fellas, I got real problems. I'm seventy years old. Every morning at seven o'clock I get up and I try to urinate. All day long I try to urinate. They give me all kinds of medicine but nothing helps."

The second old man says: "You think you have problems. I'm eighty years old. Ev


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In the early 1800's Indian Chief Bowels refused to leave his land..........

So he goes in to town and tell the governer that he is going to stay.But since he didn't read English, he accidently ends up in a doctors office.So he goes to the doctor and says "Bowels NO MOVE!!!", so the doctor gives him a laxative and say to come back in a week.
A week later the cheif came back to the doctor and says again "Bowels STILL NO MOVE!!!!!" so the doct


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Madonna and Hugh Hefner both die and are about to go to hell.

Jesus tells them, "You will have to go to hell because of the dirty lives you have led."

Madonna and Hugh protested and cried so much that Jesus relented.

"All right, my children, you get one more chance. You must walk down that 100-foot hallway. Once in a while, I will whisper something in your ear. Anyone who thinks even one impure thought during the walk


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What do you call a golfer who can't control his bowels?

Nappy Fillmore ( I realise a nappy is called a diaper where the majority of this audience live)

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