What's worse than getting hot and bothered with your grandmother?
Being thrown out of the crematorium before you finish.
Guy takes his best mate home to meet his wife:
His wife screams,"You fucking dickhead, my hair and make-up are a mess, the house is a tip, the dishes aren't done, I'm still in my pyjamas, I can't be bothered to cook and it's my time of the month!. Why the fuck did you bring him home?. The husband replies "Because he was thinking of getting married"...
So I tried donating blood the other day, but left after they bothered me with all those questions.
Like "where did you get this blood?" or "why is there so much?"
My Chinese friend, Chang, invited me to his house for dinner
While at his house, I finally got the courage to ask him a question that's been on my mind:
"Hey Chang, don't Chinese people get bothered when others think you all look the same?"
He replied: "Chang is in the bathroom, I'm his wife"
Courtesy of my youngest child - why didn't Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough?
Because a cold never bothered her anyway.
My youngest son thought of this all by himself...he's a 38-year-old lawyer in Nebraska.
People say its wrong, but I cant help that I get all hot and bothered by dirty skin and sweaty bodies
I’m sexually attracted to miners
A Boeing 737 Max flight attendant walks into a bar and orders a martini
. "You're here later than usual," the bartender comments. "Problems at work?" "Yes, just as our flight was about to take off we had to turn around wait at the gate for an hour." "What was the problem?" the bartender asks. "The pilot was bothered by a noise in the engine," she replies. "It took us a while to find a new pilot."
2 men were at a raveen one day
One of the two had horrible humor and the other one started to get bothered by it.
Some time later when the man made another joke the latter went and pushed him off the cliff.
His humor then hit rock bottom
My wife is hot
but she's also bothered.
Why wasn't 5 bothered when 7 ate the horrible cake 9 had made for 6?
CAN THE ADMINS OF THIS GROUP PLEASE DO A BETTER JOB OF MONITORING WHO IS ALLOWED IN HERE PLEASE?!?!?
WE HAVE A NEW MEMBER, AN ELDERLY MAN. HE'S BEEN PRIVATELY MESSAGING MEMBERS, SENDING THEM NAKED PICTURES OF HIMSELF IN NASTY POSES ALONG WITH CLOSE UPS OF HIS JUNK. HE IS OFFERING UP AN IPHONE XR IN EXCHANGE FOR SEXUAL FAVORS. I AM ESPECIALLY BOTHERED BECAUSE IT'S SUPER SLOW AND THE CAPS LOCK IS STUCK ON.
Sent from my iPhone 8
Why was Wendy hot and bothered?
Peter calls the stutter support counselor
Being his first day at the support desk, the counselor picks up with a cheering and uplifting voice: good day, how may I help you?
H-h-hello, I-i-i-i-i’m P-p-p-p-peter and I-i h-h-h-have a real b-b-b-b-bad s-sss-sssstutter
Still trying his best to keep good spirit, the counselor replies: well hey, how good of you to call and at least you can’t say you are both
Being a cashier has made me an atheist
because there's no way any god could have bothered making so many different NPC's
Sherlock Holmes and Watson are out traveling together, after a long trek, they pitch a tent and call it a night...
In the middle of the night, Sherlock nudges Watson and tells him to "look up" "tell me what you see".
*"Well..."* says Watson, *"I see the beautiful moon and the night stars all dazzling and magnificent..."*
*"I see"* says Sherlock *"Look closer"* he insists.
*"I see the infinite universe up abo
My ex-girlfriend broke up with me after I wrecked her wheelchair
But honestly, I’m not too bothered. I’m sure she’ll come crawling back.
It has always bothered me that Black Friday is the day after we celebrate Thanksgiving.
It's 2018, do we really need segregated holidays?
I used to think I was the king of being lazy, until I met my brother in law...
I would try to get the title back from him, but honestly I just can't be bothered.
Why should a boy racecar driver and a girl racecar driver never couple up?
They're both too bothered about who finishes first.
I just finished up my spherical geometry class
Dunno why I bothered, there's literally no point.
People I Know, For As Long As I Can Remember, Have Always Come Up To Me With A Smile On Their Faces, Slap Me Playfully On The Shoulder, And Inform Me That I'm A Real People Person, And That's Always Bothered Me...
Because I Think It's A Very Demeaning Way To Refer To My Multiple Personality Disorder.
Why couldn't the Harley Davidson be bothered to go up the hill?
It was two tyred.
My ex broke up with me for stealing her wheelchair
I’m not too bothered though, I’m sure she’ll come crawling back any day now
Yall my girlfriend got mad when she saw me with another girl...
She won’t too bothered after I told her it was my sister I was picking up, so I just left it be. Surprised she didn’t ask if the sex was any good.
Scientists have discovered the best way to cure laziness.
Unfortunately nobody has bothered to read the article.
One day this old man came up to me in the park.
Said, "You haven't seen a little dog anywhere have you?"
I said no and apologised.
The next day I was in the park again and the same old man came up to me once more. "You haven't seen a little dog anywhere have you?"
Although I found this weird, I realised this must have a bad memory.
The third day he comes up to me
I just ended a long-term relationship today. I’m not too bothered, it wasn’t mine.
I found my first grey pubic hair today.
It wouldn't have bothered me but it was inside my Big Mac.
I Have To Confess My Wife Really Is Shit In Bed
She can't be bothered to get up and go to the toilet.
My girlfriend threatened to leave today.
I wasn't too bothered, because it meant she would be back tomorrow.
Winter was nearly here and lazy Bear hadn't yet bothered to build a den...
Winter was nearly here and lazy Bear hadn't yet bothered to build a den. While searching for a home he stumbled upon Fox putting the finishing touches on his. "Well well! This looks cozy, thanks for building me my new home Fox, now scram!" "B-b-but, that's not fair! I've spent weeks on this thing, you c-c-can't!" stammers Fox. "You should at least pay m
I'm not bothered that the local architecture shop didn't have any gates with Bambi's face on...
Makes no deer fronts...
Hop and Bothered
I was walking along a back road when two bunnies suddenly leapt into the air and landed one on top of the other. To my astonishment, I saw that one had pushed the other onto a stout groundhog.
In disgust, he lifted his nose with a grunt and a distinct snarl, as if to say, “These rabbits nowadays! What do they teach their children?”
After the startled and likely embar
Just found out that global pop megastar Adele ripped off one of my songs for her debut album!
I don’t know if I can be bothered to take her to court over it though. Should I give up, or should I just keep chasing payments?
When I first met my wife she told me she used to be Iran I never understood why that bothered her or other men so much
Y'know, people were pissed about Doritos For Women, but I was bothered for a different reason...
I can't believe that Doritos broke the cardinal rule of alchemy and resurrected advertising executives from the forties!
NSFW Melania Trump interviewed
Melania Trump was being interviewed by a reporter.
"Aren't you bothered by your husband grabbing all those women's pussies?" he asked.
"Bothered by him grabbing *their* pussies?" she replied. "What about what he does to mine?"
It bothered me how my colleagues frequently logged onto Facebook during work hours, so one day, I had enough and took it up with the boss. I complained it was unprofessional and I wanted them all fired...
"It seems you're new here..." replied Mr Zuckerberg.
The wife and the gift frog
A woman is shopping for a pet as a gift for her husband, but she is concerned that the prices that the Pet Shop are charging are very high. She goes to the clerk and explains her concern. "Well, I have a frog in the back that I can let you have for $50," the clerk says. "$50?" the woman replies. "That seems terribly expensive for a frog.” "Well, this frog is wor
Why did the elephants get arrested at the beach?
They lowered their trunks in front of a group of human children. When they determined that salt water wasn't really their thing, they got drunk and spray painted the n-word on the lifeguard's car. The lifeguard was Caucasian, so the racial slur bothered him less than the damage to his car. The car was new. His old car needed transmission work and he figured it was about time for an upgra
A traveling salesmans car breaks down
So he walks to the nearest farm house and knocks on the door. He explains to the farmer and asks if he can spend the night and call for help in the morning. The farmer replies "Sure feller, but we only have two beds so you'll have to sleep with my son." The salesman replies " Sorry to have bothered you sir, but I think I'm in the wrong joke."
I thought my wife would be over the moon, taking her to Paris to do some shopping. But no not her! I'm on my third pint and she hasn't even bothered looking at the Argos catalogue I've brought her.
I really like passive aggressive people
I'm not at all bothered by the fact they are giant cunts one and all.
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff
because he couldn't be bothered with the Hassel
Knock Knock.. (joke)
who is there?
Nicole never bothered me anyway.
I got all hot amp bothered when chatting up a girl and she said she was a tree surgeon.
I just told my wife I am going dry for January
I really can't be bothered with foreplay.
Taxiing down the tarmac, the 747 abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate. After a two hour delay, it finally took off.
Barry, a worried passenger asked the steward, "What was the problem?"
"Well, the pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine", explained the flight attendant, "and it took us a while to find a new pilot.&
A man and his wife are sleeping in bed...
His wife heard some coyotes outside. This being a rural area, she feared for the safety of the cattle, specifically the donkey they had tied outside. So, she asked him to go check it out, but he wouldn't be bothered. She then said to him "You're not a man, you're scared of a few coyotes!" to which the man replies "I'm sure the donkey is a bigger man than I ever w
Did you know George III never even bothered to leave his couch during the American Revolution?
He was sofa king comfortable.