Born

Jokes

This is a bit of an offensive joke so be warned

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A flea and a tick are hanging out on a lion's pussy... (stupid)

Tick: "jesus christ bub, ain't she wicked humid today"

Flea: "I can tell you're not from around these parts."

Tick: "I just moved into a place near the hood, but I was born and raised in Mane."

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I once knew an Italian baby born with a toe growing out of his knee. So his mom, being hilarious, named him....

Just kidding, she left him at the hospital.

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I was born with a condition that limits my brains understanding of mathematics. After years of failed schooling, I finally found a math teacher to help me with subtraction.

Let me tell ya, she made a world of difference.

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Dave was born without eyelids so they circumcised him and used the skin.

This left him a little cockeyed.

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Growing up we had a friend who was born without a taint...

...he went by the nickname shitbag.

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Odin gave up his eye

Odin gave up his eye to the well of knowledge, he plucked it from his head himself and sacrificed it so that he could better understand the universe.

When Thor was born he had the same need to understand,and as he grew older Odin was worried his son would make the same sacrifice. But Thor never needed to, he was always en lightning.


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Did you hear about the kid born without eyelids?

Doctors were doing a circumcision anyways and used the foreskin for new eyelids.

Don’t worry, he’s fine. He’s just little cockeyed now.

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My favorite kids joke

One Sunday afternoon Rain Drop, the oldest child, grows curious and asks her mother:

"mother, why did you name me Rain Drop?"

"February 22, it was a winter night when I had you, me and your father took you out of the hospital as soon as you were born. It was raining outside and the first thing that touched your forehead was a clear cold rain drop, so we nam


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President Obamas approval ratings are so low...

now, Kenyans are accusing him of being born in the United States.

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A girl says, my name's daisy because a daisy fell on my head when I was born.

A boy says, my name's apple because an apple fell on my head when I was born.

Another boy just mumbles something inaudible.

And they both say, shut up cinderblock.

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Shania Twain was born today

That don't impress me much.

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I got in trouble of my mom today.

I was tickling my brother's foot this morning and she got mad, saying something about "At least wait until he is born"

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Fake News

Maybe we should start this rumor: The reason evangelicals are in love with Trump is that they believe he was born in Kenya to missionary parents.... Wouldn't Trump LOVE that? REAL Fake News.

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Why wasn't Jesus born in America?

Couldn't find a virgin or 3 wise men.

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A man has 3 children: Sandy, Snowy and Bricky.

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What do you call a baby born in a whorehouse?

A brothel Sprout!

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Humpty Dumpty was a real ladies man

He got laid the second he was born.

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Why cant you fool an aborted baby?

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How would Jesus die if he was born in Detroit?

In a crossfire.

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Two 9-year-old boys were playing in the waiting room of a pediatrician

One was noticeably more nervous about seeing the doctor. So the other one asked, "What are you seeing the doctor about?"

The nervous boy replied, "I'm having a circumcision."

The other boy immediately understood and said, "Yeah, it's not easy. I had my circumcision just after I was born, and I have to tell you, I didn't walk for a


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Why do they always boil water on old tv shows when a baby is being born?

You have to blanch them before they spoil.

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When I was born I was given a choice Big Dick or Good Memory

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Your mama is old...

She used to share a corner with Mary Magdalen.




(Came up with it while camping with my folks. Can't believe I said that outloud, I'm church going, born again Christian lol)

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I turned up to my interview naked.

Employer: oh.. ok firstly, why the hell are you naked? And secondly, how in the name of hellballs did you get this far, and through security like that?

Me: Well actually I was born like this and I cant help it. I thought this was an equal opportunities employer.

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A boy walks to his dad and says what's the origin of my new father?

He says, "Well my son I will start in the beginning
First your brother was born and I walked outside and saw a flying eagle and thought soaring eagle, then your next brother was born I walked outside and saw a wild dog and thought courageous wolf, but wait before I tell you why do you ask , Two dogs making love?"


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What does a programer said when they were born ?

" **Hello**, **World**! "

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A Dirty Joke For you kind strangers

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When I was born I had the option to revive a big dick or a perfect memory

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I'll never forget the day I was born. All those flashing lights and unfamiliar faces.

I don't think my parents should've taken me to a nightclub at that age.

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The chief of a tribe emerges from a tent holding a baby

"I would like you all to meet my new daughter, Soaring Eagle."

The tribe all cheer and applaud the latest arrival. The chief went over to his son so that he could meet his new sister.

"How do you think up these names, father" the son asked.

"Well son, after you sister was born i opened the doors and the first thing i saw was a magnifi


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What do you get when you play "Born in the USA" backwards ?

Back in the USSR

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Jesus would make an excellent businessman.

He was turning up prophets before he was even born.

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A Chinese kid was born before the due date.

Parents named him Sudden Lee.

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Proof you are part of the 1

In the US...

70,000 dogs are born each day

10,000 humans are born each day

Many dogs will go without an owner.

Many dogs will roam this world alone and be street dogs.

54% of dog owners treat their dog well.

26% live in a home too small for the dog and don't exercise it enough.

19% of owners are simpl


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Gandhi and an American Southern man meet for the first time

The Southern man looks him up and down and says, "You Gandhi?"

Gandhi politely replies, "Why no, sir, I was born in Porbandar!"

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A polar bear walked into a bar.

"A rum and coke please." He asked.

"Certainly", replied the bar man, "but why the big pause?"

"I was born with them", answered the bear.

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What do you do if your baby is born with no arms and no legs?

You name it Matt.

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Before Post Malone was born...

...as a fetus you could technically call him "Pre Malone."

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Before Post Malone was born, as a fetus you could technically call him "Pre Malone."

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When I was born, a genie told me that I could have either perfect recall memory or a large penis

I forget what I chose.

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My nephew was born the other day without eyelids so they had to use the skin of his circumcision.

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What did Queen Elizabeths sad daughter say when she got divorced with her first husband?

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What do you call a Catholic Divorcee?

A born again cocksucker

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My mom always said I'd never accomplish anything other than being born.

To be fair to her, that was my crowning achievement.

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Which DC Comics villain basically had disfigurement destined for his future the minute he was born?

Harvey Dent

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You know what annoys me? horoscopes.

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A little Mexican girl dreamed of playing the guitar.

Her name was Maria. She was very poor, but she knew that one day she would be a famous entertainer. One sunny morning, she discovered a makeshift vihuela abandoned behind a local shop. Ecstatic, she raced home and immediately started practicing.

While carefully fingering a chord outside of her house, a Taoist monk passed by. He was filled with such joy that he placed his hand upon he


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One day, a boy named Theophilus was born

When he was five, he asked his mother for some water. Before his mother could go out to get some, his father asked why she was going out. Annoyed, she replied, "For the love of God!"

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Yo Mama So Fat

I used to think everyone was born equal, but yo mama is equal n' a half!

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