Booming

Jokes

Woman dies, gets to the gates. Peters like whats uuuup Danielle! We been waiting for you!

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Did you hear about the restaurant that exploded?

I guess business is BOOMing.

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A Catholic, a Protestant and a Jew are stuck on a life raft in the middle of the ocean.

The Catholic and the Protestant pray for help, while the Jew relaxes in the corner of the raft, clipping his fingernails.

After they pray, the Catholic says to the Jew, "How come you're not praying? Don't you want God to help us?"

The Jew says, "20 years ago I opened up a clothing store. At the end of the year, I gave $1000 to the temple.


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Two pirates were arguing over who had better taste in wenches...

"Tiny waifs are great, any man knows that" said the first.

"Nonsense," said the second. "a pretty face makes men ignore everything else."

"Yeer wrong, the both of ya!" A booming voice cut in. "The best wenches have a thiccccccc booty"

"But captain, don't you mean thicc with two Cs?" The first p


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A man is at the gates to hell...

In front of him are 2 gigantic doors. One is made of twisted red oak, and the other of smooth polished iron.


Sitting between the doors are 2 huge red identical looking demons. One is seated on an enormous ornately carved ivory chair. The other on an identically carved but shining black ebony chair.


Suddenly, a booming voice from above announces: “Mort


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An orthodox Jewish man is distraught because his son has converted to Christianity

He goes to temple to pray.

"Lord, what have I done wrong? I lived a righteous life, studying the Torah and doing everything you asked. But now my son has told me he wants to be a Christian! What should I do?"

After a moment of silence, a big booming voice calls out

"You think you have problems..."


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Two men are hired to paint a church

The job doesnt pay too well, so they wanted to save as much money as possible so they bought only as much paint as they thought was needed.

As they are getting close to finishing, they realized that they were not going to have enough paint left to finish the job. One of the men has the brilliant idea to mix in some paint thinner so that they would have enough to finish.


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I recently started an explosives company.

So far, it's only around for a few days, but business is booming!

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I invested some stock in a TNT company yesterday.

Let's just say business is booming

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The sale of Irish cars during the troubles

Was booming

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An old Jewish mother complains to her friend, "My son Joey converted to Christianity."

Her friend says, "My God, my Eddy also converted! What can we do about it?"

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The first woman responds, "The only thing we can do is pray."

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So, the two of them head to the synagogue, where they sit down with prayer books and pour out their hearts to the Almighty. After a few minutes, they hear a


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My explosive prayer mat business is booming

They say prophets are going through the roof!

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A man visits the doctor because his voice is too deep

The man says in this great, booming voice, "Doc, can you help me, my Voice is too deep. The doctor walks up and says, "Ok, lets take a look, drop your pants for me." The man complies and the doctor stares down, shocked. "I think I see the problem, your dick is so large that its pulling down on your vocal cords, deepening your voice to this degree. We can fix this with surgery,


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Bill, a small business owner is at work one day and hears God speak to him.

"Bill, this is God," says a booming voice, "You need to sell your business and go to Las Vegas with all of your proceeds."

Bill is understandably shocked and when he asks God why he should do that, the instructions are repeated, only louder. So Bill, having been raised a God- fearing person, does just that. A few weeks later, he's driving into Vegas and gets h


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I heard, "YOU SHALL NOT PASS," come booming out of my ass while sitting on the toilet.

There must be a Bowelrog stuck up there.

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Blackjack

Saul is working in his store when he hears a booming voice from above: “Saul, sell your business.”

He ignores it. It goes on for days. “Saul, sell your business for $3 million.”

After weeks of this, he relents and sells his store. The voice says “Saul, go to Las Vegas.” He asks why. “Saul, take the $3 million to Las Vegas.&rdq


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One day, this guy decides to go ice fishing.

He gets out onto the ice and starts making a hole with his ice augur. Suddenly he hears a booming voice say "there's no fish there!"

He looks around startled but doesn't see anyone. He packs up and moves to another spot and starts working on a new hole. Again he hears the booming voice "there's no fish there!"

He moves again and starts m


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A small, meek man is sentenced to prison for the first time

As he's put into his cell, he's horrified to see that the man on the top bunk is massive, and covered with scars and tattoos. His new cellmate scowls at him with his single eye, but says nothing. Thinking it's best to keep schtum, the little man creeps quietly into the lower bunk, where he lies, shivering, contemplating the enormous felon a few feet above him, until the lights are s


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The property market in the middle east has been booming lately . Abdul Hassan, a trader, has made 1 million riyals the last week

after selling 10 women last week

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What did the terrorist tell his friends

Business is booming ^^^^^^killme

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An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing

when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat high into the air. Then it opened its mouth to swallow both.

As the man sailed head over heels, he cried out, “Oh, my God! Please help me!”

At once, the ferocious attack scene froze in place, and as the atheist hung in mid-air, a booming voice came


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Dave, Paul and Mike die and go to hell...

As they appear in hell, an incredibly ugly woman appears in front of Dave

A booming voice says: "Dave you have sinned and as a punishment, you have to make love to this woman for eternity"

Now, an even more hideous woman appears in front of Paul and the booming voice says: "Paul you have sinned and as a punishment, you have to make love to this woman for et


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A guy gets on a bus... long

A guy gets on a bus—

The only available seat is next to a nun.
I HATE nuns, he thinks. It’s the only available seat, so he begrudgingly sits down next to her.
After a few minutes, she runs her head ever so slightly and he can see her face.
She’s the most beautiful woman he’s ever seen.
He can’t control himself and he accidental


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Two old jews are talking about their children...

The first one says "My son has decided to stop keeping kosher! Oy! What a terrible world" The second one replies "Your son? \*MY\* son! My son has decided to stop keeping the Sabbath! Oy gevalt! What can we do?" They seek guidance from the chief Rabbi of their village and share their woes with. "Your son?" he replies "\*MY\* son! My son has fallen in love with a


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Excuse me, are you a booming real estate property?

because I'm about to pump my liquid assets into you

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I Recently opened up a Bomb shop.

Business has been booming lately!

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An Eskimo cuts a whole in the ice

An eskimo cuts a hole in the ice and starts fishing
A big booming voice echoes "THERE ARE NO FISH HERE"
The Eskimo looks up and says "is that you God?"
The voice replies"NO IM THE OWNER OF THIS ICE RINK"

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A Muslim opens a cafe in Hawaii called Aloha Snackbar

Business is booming.

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A priest is playing golf with a sailor.

The sailor uses salty language each time he misses. "Goddammit, I missed!"

The priest warns him not to curse in God's name.

The sailor misses again. "Goddammit I missed!"

The priest cautions him again.

The sailor misses a third time. "Goddammit I missed!"

The skies open up and the hand of God casts


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I am what I is.

A white boy and a black boy were arguing one day. The white boy screams "God is white!" The black boy screams "God is black!" This goes on and on for about an hour when all of a sudden there comes a loud crack of lightning and the heavens open up and a booming voice says "I am what I am." The white boy jumps up and says "See, I told you so!" To which th


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A small agency has opened in the UK to sell potential extremists to ISIS.

Not surprisingly, business is booming.

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Drunk ice fishing

A drunk Alaskan decides to go ice fishing. He starts sawing a hole in the ice, but just then a booming voice says, "You will find no fish there."

The drunk ignores it and continues sawing. The voice repeats, "You will find no fish under the ice."

The drunk looks up and says, "God, is that you?"

The voice says, "No, I'm


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A shipwreck survivor washes up on the beach...

...of an island and is surrounded by a group of warriors.
“I’m done for,” the man cries in despair.
“No, you are not,” comes a booming voice from the heavens. “Listen carefully, and do exactly as I say. Grab a spear and push it through the heart of the warrior chief.”
The man does what he is told, turns to the heavens, and asks, “No


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Say what you will about ISIS...

But you can't deny their suicide business is booming.

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A priest goes golfing with a friend.

The friend isn't a very good golfer, and every time he messes up, he yells 'Fuck! Missed!'. A few holes into the game the priest asks 'Please don't swear. Next time you mess up, take a deep breath and say a quiet prayer.' The friend agrees. Soon after he misses an easy putt, but can't stop himself swearing. The heavens open, a lightning bolt comes down and strike


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I recently opened a suicide bomb store

Business is booming

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China's economy is doing perfectly fine.

I hear it's booming.

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Saul is working in his store when...

Saul is working in his store when he hears a booming voice from above: “Saul, sell your business.” He ignores it. It goes on for days. “Saul, sell your business for $3 million.” After weeks of this, he relents, sells his store. The voice says "Saul, go to Las Vegas.” He asks why. “Saul, take the $3 million to Las Vegas.” He obeys, goes to a casino. Vo


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I posted these Aggie jokes elsewhere, so someone is bound to post them here.

These are jokes commonly told around the University of Texas about their rivals at Texas A&M University.

You know why the Aggies don't have ice cubes in the dorm any more? It's because the guy with the recipe graduated.

I've heard that recipe calls for a heaping tablespoon of water.

How many Aggies does it take to eat an armadillo?


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Getting to space.

To actually become and astronaut you have to be the best of the best, then you will get to space. Or you can just be a school teacher and get there with a booming success!

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DRUNK ICE FISHING IN ALASKA

A drunk Alaskan decides to go ice fishing. He starts sawing a hole in the ice, but just then a booming voice says, "You will find no fish there."
The drunk ignores it and continues sawing. The voice repeats, "You will find no fish under the ice."
The drunk looks up and says, "God, is that you?"
The voice says, "No, I'm the manager of this i


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Why is the middle east the best place to open a store at the moment?

Because business is booming.

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I should become a bomb specialist...

It's a booming industry.


Heh.

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Two men are painting a church.

They are painting it blue.

They get about 1/2 way done, and realize they are running out of paint. So they add a little thinner to make it stretch.

The job got 3/4 of the way done, and they are thinking that it's still not going to be enough paint. So they add more thinner.

They get the job done and stand back to look at their work. Not surprising tho


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A hiker stuck on a branch

A hiker slipped over the edge of a cliff, and would surely have fallen to his death except for a branch he managed to grab, just a few feet from the top. He clung there in terror and yelled, "Help! Can anybody hear me?" A booming voice said, "I am God. Just let go of that branch and I'll catch you." There was a long silence until the hiker hollered, "Can anybody else


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An Atheist was boating in Loch Ness...

When all of the sudden, the Loch Ness Monster bursts out of the water and poises to eat its next victim. The Atheist yells "Oh, please God, help me!" Time stopped and all of the sudden, God questions in a booming voice, "I thought you did not believe in me?" The Atheist stands up and says, "Well, I did not believe in the Loch Ness monster until ten seconds ago."


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Saul is working in his store when he hears a booming voice from above

"Saul, sell your business."

He ignores it, but it goes on for days.

"Saul, sell your business for $3 million."

After weeks of this, he relents and sells his store. The voice says, "Saul, go to Las Vegas."

He asks why.

"Saul, take the $3 million to Las Vegas," is the only reply he gets.


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A man stumbles and falls into a well....

....and grasps a spindly root that stops his fall but not before he has traversed a hundred feet. His grip loosening, he cries out in desperation, "Is there anybody up there?!"

He looks up only to see a circle of the sky. Suddenly, the clouds part and amidst them comes forth a beam of bright light and a booming voice thunders, "I, the Lord am here. Let go of the root an


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Genie of the lamp

A man is walking down an old rundown alley and spots an ancient lamp under some rags. He picks it up and for a laugh gives it a rub and to his amazement an enormous genie appears in a whirling cloud of smoke.
The genie in a booming voice says "Your wish is my command". The man still reeling from the shock replies "Fuck me!".


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A young man prays to God that he wins the lottery

Every night before going to sleep, the young man prays as hard as he can that God will grant his wish of winning the lottery. Every night he wishes, but his prayers are never answered.


This continues day after day until the man finds himself on his deathbed.


"God," he says, "I know you have your reasons for every decision you make, so I trus


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