Bond

Jokes

What happens when a famous super spy becomes homeless?

“The name’s bond— Vagabond.”

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New Bond movie is a shoutout to all overworked employees.

New Bond movie title is **No time to die.**


So the villian is Amazon?

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People who guves me weird looks while I'm breastfeeding in public should STFU

It strengthens the bond with my dog

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Why doesn't iron form a good bond with other metals?

Because it has rust issues!

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The new 007 isn't as bad as we though, as it's a new character...

James Bond could have been bought by Disney, woke up, grabbed his titties, and said "Really, nigga?"

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Who was a cow's favorite James Bond actor and James Bond girl actress?

Roger Moo and Graze Jones.

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My name is Bond.

Friends call me Hydrogene.

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A group of kids sits in chemistry class...

Jaim, one of the lazy kids, is sleeping in the back. George, a hardworking kid, is pissed off with Jaim slacking off. He stares him awake.

“If you don’t do anything, you will never amount to anything,” he berated Jaim.

Jaim, shocked that he was called out, decided he would change. He set out to prove George wrong.

Twenty years later, George


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Do you know the difference between a man and a bond?

The bond matures.

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Breastfeeding in public.

I'm so tired of all the people having a problem with me breastfeeding in public. It's a natural process! Plus it helps build a bond between me and my dog. Sheesh!

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Bond walks into a bar.

Barkeep: What's you poison of choice tonight?
Mr. Bond: Give me a martini. Shaken, not stirred.
Barkeep: That would take too long. May I suggest some potassium cyanide?

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Viagra: it wont make you James Bond...

But it’ll make you Roger Moore.

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What do you call a group of electrons working as spies between atoms

Bond, Covalent bond

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Q is showing James Bond a new super high tech spy earpiece and Bond says, "why don't I just wear an airPod? Everyone has them hanging out their ears nowadays. I won't draw any suspicion."

Q responds, "we researched them. Ours are less expensive."

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I asked my physician if he was a James Bond fan

Dr.: No

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Rami Malek will be the next James Bond Villain

He will be playing the Queen

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A chicken went to James Bond....

Chicken: Hello, how do you do?

James Bond: I'm doing alright

Chicken: What is your name?

James Bond: The name's Bond.....James Bond.How about you?

Chicken: Ken...... Chicken

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I walked in the lounge to find my wife breastfeeding our son.

“How long do you have to do that for?” I asked. “When is he too old for it?”

“Well, it’s a physical bond between a mother and her child isn’t it? It’s only the society that deems it unacceptable above a certain age.”

“Yeah, shut up Joe – I was talking to your mother.”


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People who are offended when I breastfeed in public need to STFU.

What I'm doing is natural and strengthens the bond between me and my dog.

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I met a guy in India who looked a bit like James Bond. He said his name was Josh..

Rogan Josh.

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James Bond is going to be played by a woman

As a woman, James Bond's name will be Fools, April Fools.

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Breastfeeding!

People who are offended about breastfeeding in public need to STFU! What i'm doing is natural and strengthens the bond between me and my dog!

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How does James Bond prefer his women?

Shaven, not furred.

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Why do Priests screw altar boys

Because nothing should be tighter than an altar boy's bond with god

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Did you hear where they're looking for the new James Bond actor?

In Daniel Craigslist

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So me and a friend were talking...

... And somehow we got on the subject of weak metals.


He says "Gold, thats quite weak."


So I say "That must be why James Bond got glasses."


He looks confusedly at me.


"GoldenEye."

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Many people cry when they cut an onion

The trick is not to form an emotional bond.

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I walked in the living room to find my wife breastfeeding our son.

“How long do you have to do that for?” I asked. “When is he too old for it?”

“Well, it’s a physical bond between a mother and her child isn’t it? It’s only the society that deems it unacceptable above a certain age.”

“Yeah, shut up Joe – I was talking to your mother.”


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The names Bond...

Uni-bond, I'm here to fill your crack

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"The james is Name. Bond Name"

"Excuse me?"

"Bond Name is the james"

"Are you ok?"

"Banes Jond is having a stronk, call an bondulance"

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Goldfinger abducts James Bond and takes him to a clothes-manufacturing facility.

"Do you expect me to chalk?"

"No, Mr Bond; I expect you to dye."

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In a Finance class, I was asked to name my favorite type of bond...

"James" was my response

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Why are the cow, whale and ant best friends?


Because they form covalent bond

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If James Bond was Spanish.

My name is Bond.
James Diego Jose Fransisco de Paula Juan Nepomuceno Maria del los Remedios omg Bond..

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If James Bond was Spanish.

My name is Bond.
James Diego Jose Fransisco de Paula Juan Nepomuceno Maria del los Remedios omg Bond..

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A chicken walks into a bar..

He is having a few drinks and notices a man sitting next to him. The man says "The names bond. James Bond." To which the chicken replies " the names Ken. Chick ken."

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What did James Bond say when he didn't want the bar man to look at his drink too long?

"Vodka martini, shaken not stared."

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What did James Bond say when he didn't want the bar man to look at his drink too long?

"Vodka martini, shaken not stared."

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Im like James Bond without the ladies

Single 07

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Michael J. Fox is rumoured to be the next James bond...

He'll shake his own martinis and he's got a license to spill.

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Feeling strange, Mr. Bond?

That’s because my assistant just injected you with the measles vaccine. You’re autistic now.

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What do they call Gold Bond at Hogwarts?

Quidditch.

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Viagra won't turn you into James Bond...

But it will help you Rodger Moore.

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James Bond visits Australia

World class spy and mild-alcoholic James Bond decides to take a vacation down under. He books a trip to Sydney at a fancy hotel equipped with all that is needed to make a martini incorrectly. After a miserable flight where a baby would not stop crying he finally lands at Sydney Airport and is ready to head to the hotel for some booze and a snooze. He catches a cab and arrives at his hotel only to


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What do you call a rekindled relationship between two ex-lovers?

An ironic bond.

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What's the difference between a drama student and a government savings bond?

The government savings bond eventually matures and earns money.

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The names Bond...

I am writing the next James Bond movie. In order to thwart Bonds womanizing means of infiltration, the latest evil mastermind has employed an army of devout nuns.

I am calling it, Hymen’s Are Forever.

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M calls 007 into her office.

She says, "Your next assignment is to go to the Chrstmas ball and meet new people. Bond, James, bond!"

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I met a guy in India who looked a bit like James Bond. He said his name was Josh..

Rogan Josh.

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I met a guy who looked a bit like James Bond in India. He said his name Josh..

Rogan Josh.

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