Football Joke

Alex Ferguson calls Beckham into his office.

'David', he says, 'I need to talk to you about your performance against Leeds the other night, you were bloody hopeless, completely off form.'


'Sorry boss', says David. 'I've not been myself lately. I've got a few problems at home.'

'Oh dear' says F

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Somebody told me that if you look at the symbols in the corner of a map and see the words "Bloody Rosemary," something horrible will happen.

But that's just an herb in legend.

Somebody told me that if you look at the symbols in the corner of a map and repeat "Bloody Rosemary," something horrible will happen.

But that's just an herb-in-legend.

What do your mom and a tampon have in common?

They're both stuck up bloody cunts

Three men go out hunting...

Some people are so rude! When i went to London i had to go see a phlebotomist

But he turned out to be a bloody bastard!

NOT FOR EVERYONE!! Read with caution.

How do you make a 6 year old boy cry twice?

You wipe your bloody dick on his white teddy bear.

I like my women like I like my steak (there's tons of parody's out there)

Raw and a little bloody inside

What do you call it when...

What do you call it when someone goes on and on and on, like all the time and just won't ever bloody shut up about their exclusive boutique shop, that only sells jewellery for male sheep?

Rambling.

So weve all heard that classic riddle, whats brown and sticky?

A man goes to a motel...

And askes for a room the room clerk says that all of the rooms are taken accept for one but the dont rent it because its haunted

The man says hes not afraid of ghosts and takes the room anyways

He unpacks his things and gets in bed

Just as he does a ghost comes out of the closet with blood dripping from his fingers moaning "bloody fingers bloody fing

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Two eggs boiling in a pot.

One says, bloody hot in here, the other one says,

wait till you get out, they bash your fucking brains in.

Why aren't there more abortion jokes?

Because the delivery is generally a bloody mess.

Paddy At The Newsagents

The local newsagent

The Local Newsagent

A man go in microwave

man melt and make. big bloody mess

What do you get if you mix a kangaroo with a elephant?

Bloody big holes all over Australia

What does an Australian bricklayer wear at work?

A bloody hell, mate!

A man walks in on his wife on the toilet

She’s gushing blood out her cunt like a bloody faucet because womens are disgusting pigs. Unfunny retards.

So two vampires walk into a bar.

The first vampire sits down and asks for a bloody mary, the second vampire sits down and ask for a cup of boiling water. The first vampire says "What did you get a cup of boiling water for dummy" the second vampire pulls out a used tampon and says " cause I'm making tea bitch!!"

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So two vampires walk into a bar

The first vampire sits down and asks for a bloody mary, the second vampire sits down and ask for a cup of boiling water. The first vampire says "What did you get a cup of boiling water for dummy" the second vampire pulls out a used tampon and says " cause I'm making tea bitch!!"

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Nsfw How do you make a little girl cry double time?

You hit her favorite plush with the bloody tip of your dick.

Hate me.

What do you call....

...a deer with no eyes?

No idea.

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?

Still no idea.

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs and a chest wound?

Still no bloody idea.

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs and a chest wound, mating with another deer?

Still no bloody fucking ide

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It's that tine of tye month again and sge has PMS

Bloody hell.

An Australian was walking down a country road in New Zealand when...

he happened to glance over a fence and see a farmer going at it with a sheep. The shocked Aussie climbed the fence and walked over to the fellow. "You know, mate," he pointedly remarked, "back home we shear those."

The New Zealander looked at the intruder defiantly and said, "I'm not bloody shearing this with no one."

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A beggar went to my store trying to buy food. She only had coins, and in the end, she was missing a quarter.

I buried the bloody bag of coins next to the 3/4 left of her body.

My mate runs marathons but he wouldn't do the egg and spoon at his kid's school sports day.

Bloody racist.

A vampire walks into a bar

The bartender says "Let me guess, you'll have a bloody Mary?"

The vampire replies "Not today, just a cup of hot water please."

The vampire then pulls out a used tampon and says "I'm having tea!"

An English man got his legs blown off

Another man runs up and says "oh my god where are your legs?!"
The English man say "I dunno, I'm bloody stumped"

Waht does a sinking Battleship and a deflowered virgin have in common?

They are both full of bloody seamen.

My doctor just diagnosed me as suffering from xenophobia.

I bet I caught it from one of those bloody foreigners.

Every girl I take home instantly sounds like an angry old man when I show them my house.

"Bloody kids"

A man walks into a bar

The man says "can I get a bloody Mary?"
The bartender says "a what?"
"A bloody Mary"
"A what??"
"Bloody Mary!"
The Bartender laughs maniacally
The man realizes what he has done

Did you hear about the girl that almost forgot her tampon?

It was a bloody close one

God to Eve: You are going to bloody pay this!

Eve to God: Can I pay it on an installment plan?

What does a British bloke say when his girlfriend is on her period?

Bloody hell!

My friends asked me, how it was like dating a diabetic. Pretty cute, Id say. You would always get her candy.

After all it was bloody hard for her to get after you with just one leg.

A young man walks into a bar. An Eastern-European man is bartending.

A young man walks into a bar. An Eastern-European man is bartending. The young man sits down next another customer and orders at the bar.


“Can I have a Bloody Mary?”, he asks.


“Sure,” says the bartender in a thick accent.

What do you call a devastating British insult?

A bloody murder

Timmy: I still remember my grandads last words,

they were “TIMMY STOP SHAKING THE BLOODY LADDER!”

What do you call a deer with no eyes?

What do you call a deer with no eyes?

No idea.

What do you call a deer with no eyes that's just been shot?

No bloody idea.

What do you call a deer with no eyes that's had its dick shot off?

No bloody fuckin' idea.

What do you call a deer with no eyes, that's had its dick shot off, and been run over by

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I like my women like my steaks

Bloody and hung for 30 days

A cannibal goes to a bar, and asks for a Bloody Mary.

The bartender says "We dont have a Mary how about a Sandra?"

I'm outraged at the price of helium balloons.

Bloody inflation.

An elephant wandering the jungle gets a thorn in its foot ...

Unable to extract the thorn itself, the elephant leans against a coconut tree, waiting for some other animal to come along and help him.

Hours pass and no animal appears. Just then, an ant comes crawling along.

"Oh, Brother Ant!" the elephant says. "Could you please help me take this thorn out of my foot?"

The ant sidles up. "Sure but

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John Wick walks into a bar

He walks out with a bloody pencil.

John Wick walks into a bar

He walks out with a bloody pencil.

So I was eating chicken fingers on the beach

And this random seagull swoops in and takes my chicken finger so I yell to my brother to give me the football he was holding and he did so I threw the ball at the seagull and nailed it It in the head and watched as I plummeted to the ground then ran over to a bloody seagull took my chicken finger out of its mouth took a bite and yelled “that’s what you get for taking my chicken finger

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I lost my job...

I prayed to God for a lottery win.
I got behind on my rent,
I pleaded to God for a lottery win.
I got evicted,
I went to church and begged God for a lottery win.
Suddenly, in the church, God appeared to me.
He said, Dave! Meet me half way and buy a bloody ticket.