Bleeding

Jokes

A man walks into a bar...

...And ordered two pints of beer and two scotches. When he tried to pay the bill, he was confronted by two men - one of whom shouted "This is for Syria". The man was then left bleeding and stabbed in the throat".

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\- This joke was provided by AI

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I like my women like I like my meat

Young tender and bleeding

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A Doctor is running errands around town when a mugger with a knife stabs and robs him...

A bystander runs up to the injured Doctor and says:

"You're bleeding out, let me stitch your wound"

to which the Doctor says "I'm a Medical Professional, I can handle it alone"

"Fine, suture self"

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The bleeding patient tells the doctor how his sisters homicidal daughter shot him right on the joint in his leg...

The doctor: Damn! Your knees must be killing you.

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I was a judge in a singing competition.

There were two contestants, Cardi B and a dog named Julie.

As it was expected, the bitch just couldn't sing at all. Felt like my ears were bleeding listening to total crap that the bitch had to offer.

However, Julie sang pretty good.

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My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure.

So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die.

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Old lady calls 911.

Operator: 911 what is your emergency?
Old Lady: I need to know the location of my heart.
Operator: Ma'am that's not an emergency. But it's below your left breast.
Old Lady: Thank you. (Hangs Up)

20 minutes later.
Phone rings.

Operator: 911 what is your emergency?
Young teen: Help it's my grandmother. She's been depr


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Leg bite

me: \[googling\] what do I do - leg bleeding raccoon bite

google: elevate and apply pressure

me: \[lifting raccoon real high\] apologize or else !

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I wish I was a tampon

So I can be inside a bleeding 13 year old..

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NSFW I walked in to my house and found my mother in our living room bleeding to death. This obviously a horrible experience

I really liked that carpet

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What do you say to someone who stopped bleeding?

Coagulations

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I complained about backlight bleeding on my monitor, then the IT support guy asked to remote assist my PC to see it. All hope was lost...

Or he might have been Nigerian, not sure.

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Theres a sport in which women compete to decide who has the biggest menstrual flow

It’s called bloody bleeding

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A dentist shoots a kid doing a fortnite dance.

"You're bleeding because you were flossing"

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Jesus on the cross calling john

Jesus on the cross, seing John passing by.

"John, John, come here John"

"yes my lord, I m coming right away."

On the way to the cross John gets his arm shopped off by a guard.

Jesus calls him again:

"John, John, come here."

John says:

" yes my lord, I m on my way."


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A conservative cardiovascular surgeon walked out of the OR today.

"I'm sick and tired of these bleeding heart liberals!" He proclaimed. The patient promptly died.

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Roses are red, Violets are red, Everythings red...

My eyes are bleeding.

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Why was Bambis ass bleeding?

He took five bucks.

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A jew and a goy are seated together in a train compartment. No one else joins them and as the train gets underway, the goy decides to engage the jew in a conversation.

The goy asks the jew all sorts of questions about his religion. The jew patiently answers them all.
Eventually they take out their pack lunches and continue the conversation. The goy asks:

« Why is it you people are so smart? »

The jew thinks about it for a while and responds:

« Must be our diet. »


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I was banging my girlfriend against the wall

I had to stop hitting her afterwards as she was bleeding too much over the rug

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What do you do when u see a black man bleeding and crying

You stop laughing and you reload

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What do you call a tool you think you use to stop bleeding from shaving but your just not sure if it will get the job done?

A skeptic pencil.

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What do you call a tool you think you use to stop bleeding from shaving but your just not sure if it will get the job done?

A skeptic pencil.

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A nurse was taking blood from a dentist when he complained about bleeding

She looked him in the eye and said "it's because you don't floss".

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I feel like my nose is bleeding.

It's snot though.

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Jimmy osmond

Jimmy Osmond has a stroke live on stage at a pantomime, the manager shouts "he's having a stoke", "oh no he isn't", said the audience "o'yes he is" says the manager! then he bellows "where's the bloody doctor, I can't find the bleeding doctor" to which the audience roars in "he's behind you" lol lol


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Bill Finds his wife Melinda locked in the bathroom (Dad Joke)

(This is an original dad joke that I just thought of in the bathtub)

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Bill: "Honey is everything ok in there, what's wrong?"

Melinda: "I'm bleeding and I'm out of supplies, can you run to the store real quickly and get me some?"

Bill: "I'm not sure I'm qualified... you know we a


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I thought my nose was bleeding, but it's not

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Give a man a loaf of bread and he'll eat for a week

Give that same man a fishing pole and he'll die of internal bleeding.

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Guys, today I finally mustered up all my courage to lick my girlfriends pussy...

I’m still bleeding from where it scratched me...

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I went to the chiropractor with my friend

I went to the chiropractor with my friend, who is a dentist, and we hear this loud crack from the back
We both look over and see this dude bleeding into a towel and running towards the bathroom.
I look over to my dentist friend and he has this look and says "You know why he's bleeding?"

No, why?

"Because... he didn't floss enough."


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Nurse to bleeding patient - Dont worry ......

All bleedings stop.....
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
......eventually

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The man with the bleeding finger...

A few years ago, there was a guy named Steve on his holidays, in a resort. The vacation was going well until he heard his phone ring. He picked up

"The man with the bleeding finger is coming for you..."

Now, Steve was terrified. He immediately packed up his things and got in his car. While he was driving, his phone rang. Steve, being the irresponsible bastard h


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My friend was bleeding profusely and the first aid book told me to apply pressure.

I told him if he didn't stop bleeding right away he was going to die.

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A bystander offered to give a bleeding man some blood.

When the EMTs asked him if he was sure his blood was compatible, he replied,

"O, positive."

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Splinter

So, I got a splinter in my foot. It was stuck to my side and was starting to bleed. It was bleeding for 5-10 minutes straight at a rate of 0.3gal a minute. Is there any advice to stop it before I lose too much bl-hxdbxhshsysjshxhsjzhxhshshdhshshdhshxhd

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A 10 yr old girl tells her mom "I've blood coming from my hoo haa".

Mom : it's ok ,sweetie. It means you are growing up . Now you need to insert a tampon on it. It's long,thin and straight which you can insert inside.

Girl : the bleeding started after uncle Billy inserted his tampon inside me .

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Be Positive

A good friend passed away here at the office today. There was an accident in the mailroom and his bleeding could not be controlled. EMS arrived immediately but were unable to slow the bleeding enough. The ems team could not figure out quickly enough what Jason's blood type was either so saving him that way would have been "too risky". But Jason was an amazing person, even his last


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Do you know why some smartphones have screen bleeding?

They are female, biologically.

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The ballad of my bleeding-heart

My life has been a horror, 
since I took up the liberal's art. 
But now I don't feel so guilty 
(It's great to be a "bleeding heart"). 

The secret of this art is easy: 
just be nice to everyone. 
Even to murderers and molesters 
(It doesn't matter what they've done).&nbs


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Two Americans decide to open a bunjee-jumping business in Mexico.

They set up in the middle of a small village where they gather all the locals to preform a demonstration. Bob jumps, bounces at the end of the cord, and flies back up by the platform. Jeff isn't able to catch his friend, but he notices he has a few cuts and scratches.

Bob falls again, bounces, and comes back up. This time, he is bruised and bleeding. Again, Jeff misses him. The t


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A dentist decides to branch out and become an EMT

He excels in every aspect of medical school. His grades are top of the class, he completes first aid in no time at all, and he finishes the course with almost no problems, easily landing a spot on the ambulance squad.

On his first day in an ambulance, he gets a call about a bad car accident. Well, he gets there and starts to administer first aid to a young man with several cuts along


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A man was walking in the street one day when he was brutally beaten and robbed

As he lay unconscious and bleeding, a psychologist, who happened to be passing by, rushed up to him and exclaimed, "My God! Whoever did this really needs help!"

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A scorpion a stings a guy so hard, blood gushes out

The guy swats the scorpion dead, tears off the scorpion's tail, and sticks it back into his wound to stop the bleeding. His wife asks, "WTF is that for?"

"APPENDAGE"

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You see son, grilling a good steak is a lot like you mom...

Once it starts bleeding, it's time to flip her over to the brown side.

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My friend was bleeding to death...

My (non-exsisting) friend was bleeding to death, I asked him what his blood type was but, all he said was Be positive.

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I felt like my nose was bleeding.

But after checking, it’snot.

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Little Johnny's for the first time seeing a girl having period......

Little Johnny was getting ready to leave school when he heard his friend panicking. He walks to his friend

Little Johnny: "Hey, are you okay? What's wrong?"

Girl: "LITTLE JOHNNY! You have to help me! I am bleeding and I do not know why and I am so scared and I do not know what to do! You have to help me! Please!"

Little Johnny: "


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I tried wrapping Maxi Pads around my headphones

But the sound keeps on bleeding through.

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What do you call a person that's angry about a itchy, bleeding asshole?

Roid rage.

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