HOW TO SATISFY A WOMAN:
Caress, praise, pamper, relish, savor, massage, make plans, fix, empathize, serenade, compliment, support, feed, tantalize, bathe, humor, placate, stimulate, jiffylube, stroke, console, purr, hug, coddle, excite, pacify, protect, phone, correspond, anticipate, nuzzle, smooch, toast, minister to, forgive, sacrifice for, ply, accessorize, leave, return, beseech, sublimate, entertain, c
A man invites a friend to a hunting party in Africa
- We're going to hunt gorillas
- I've never done such a thing, how do you even hunt gorillas ?
- Well it's quite easy, all you need is a dog, a big bag, and a rifle
- OK... And how do you use them?
- Simple as that : I climb the tree, then I scare the gorilla to make it fall on the ground. When the gorilla falls, the dog is trained, and will bite the gorilla&
Why did the fat person take a bite of pavement?
Because there was a fork in the road.
Dont bite the hand that feeds you.
Bite his ankles.
~ My Chihuahua
Why do black people eat tootsie rolls w a fork?
So they dont bite their fingers.
What do you call a boomerang made of teeth?
I don't remember the punchline and it's probably gonna come back to bite me.
A man walks into a bar.
He sits down and orders a Jack & Coke.
The bartender gives him an apple.
"Are you deaf or just dumb? I ordered a Jack and Coke!" says the man. "Trust me." replied the bartender. "Just take a bite."
The man takes a bite and to his surprise it tasted like Jack.
"Turn it around."
He takes anot
Another bar joke
A guy walks into a bar, sits down and orders a gin and tonic.
The bartender reaches under the counter and pulls out an apple and hands it to him.
The guy takes the apple and asks, "What's this, I asked for a gin and tonic".
The bartender replies, "take a bite, you won't be disappointed".
My dads favorite
They're all bark and no bite
Eve said to the serpent.
A poor man gets bite by a dog.
First on his ankle then on his wrist as he tries to remove the dog. Some weeks go by and he refuses to go to the hospital despite his wrist and ankle's inflammation and pain, he just can't afford the medical bills. Eventually the pain is so unbearable he asks his buddy if he knows anything that could help him out. His friend recommends a doctor that'll give a discount. The poor man
My friend named her daughter Karma
A man walking on the beach stumbled on a bottle.
He picked it up and pulled the cork and a genie jumped out.
Genie: Thank you for freeing me. I will grant you one wish.
Man: I've heard this one, whatever I wish for will come back and bite me.
Genie: Nah man I won't do that. In fact if that happens I'll give you unlimited wishes for the rest of your life.
Man: Okay, I want a boome
Ignoring a vampire never works.
It always comes back to bite you.
Does your dog bite
A man walking down the streets sees another man with a very big dog. One man says to the other, "Does your dog bite", the man replies "No my dog doesn't" The man pats the dog and has his hand bitten off, "I thought you said your dog didn't bite" said the injured man. "Thats not my dog", replied the other.
Bite My Eye
A man walks into a bar has a few drinks and asks what his tab was. The bartender replies that it is twenty dollars plus tip. The guy says, "I'll bet you my tab double or nothing that I can bite my eye." The bartender accepts the bet, and the guy pulls out his glass eye and bites it.
He has a few more drinks and asks for his bill again. The bartender reports that his bil
So there was this old man who lived by himself.
His bank saw huge amounts of money being withdrawn and deposited from his account, so they called him and they scheduled an appointment for 10:00 a.m. the next morning. Just in case, the old man hired a lawyer.
So the next morning the old man wakes up and goes to the bank at 10:00 for the appointment. When he gets there he tells them he likes to do a little bit of gambling. The bank a
A sweet old lady is making lunch for her husband one day...
She had been making him the same lunch for the past 40 years. His favorite: a sandwich on itallian bread, make with turkey, american cheese, pickles, onions, mustard, and mayo. The husband walks into the kitchen, sits down, and takes a bite. His wife asks the same thing she always asks, “Hows the sandwich dear?”
Every time he would give the same response, “It tastes
Mom, are we venomous snakes?
yes honey, we are. why?
I’ve just bite my tongue.
Did you know, if you bite your own tongue knowingly, it doesn't hurt?
Did you know that you just bit your tongue?
The worst thing you can ask a person who lost both arms in a shark bite accident is
Credit: me on July 4th
Playing truck driver...nsfw
I ran into a kid sittin’ on the curb.
He would eat an m&m, bite his cat on the ass, and move on down the curb. Eat and m&m, bite his cat on the ass, and move on down the curb.
I said son, “what are you doing?”
He said, “playin truck driver.”
I said, “truck driver?”
A man walks into a restaurant in Barcelona and looks at the menu
He doesn't speak a lick of Spanish, so he defaults to a passing waiter for advice. "I would recommend the cajones," the waiter says. "The dish is sourced fresh from the bull killed by one of our bullfighters in the ring today."
So the man orders the *cajones*, expecting some sort of typical beef dish and almost chokes on his drink when the waiter brings two b
Ever wondered why did Eve bite the forbidden apple?
Because, it tasted better than Adam's banana.
I'm suffering because my girlfriend isn't here
Usually the mosquitoes bite her instead.
I found a snake in my house and flushed him down the toilet...
I hope that doesn't come back to bite me in the ass.
Two old men were sitting on a porch
One looks at a dog licking its self just going to town and the old man says "i wish i could do that." The other old man looks at him and says "that dog would bite you"
The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve. It was Apple's and had very limited memory.
Just one bite and everything crashed
me: \[googling\] what do I do - leg bleeding raccoon bite
google: elevate and apply pressure
me: \[lifting raccoon real high\] apologize or else !
My friend says dogs are better than cats, especially pitbulls
But screw him, he's just a bite supremacist.
I met this girl Mary on tinder and took her to an all you can eat buffet
I knew it wasn't going to work out when she told me she was a vegetarian so I decided to go down with guns blazing.
She came back with her salad to find me with my plate loaded up with every type of meat I could get my hands on.
I was shocked, though pleasantly surprised, when she asked for a bite of my kabab.
Mary had a little lamb.
A German man with his dog.
A German man having a pint on a terrace with his dog.
So I went over to pet the dog, and asked “ Does he bite?”
“Nein nein” he said
I reached out my hand, the dog snapped and bit my hand.
“You said he wouldn’t fucking bite” I said angrily.
“ nine, nine out of the ten times he bites&rdq
Whats the difference between a golf chip shot, and a blowjob?
You will never yell, “STOP!! BITE!”
I was eating an apple when my sister asked if she could have a bite...
Her stitches come off tomorrow.
That damn bacteria!
Today I went to the children's daycare for my first day of work there.
When I walked in a kid asked if he could have an apple for snack time.
I responded yes and proceeded to prepare an apple for him.
To make sure to rid the apple of any harmful bacteria, I whipped out my nifty hand sanitizer because it kills 99.9% of bacteria.
When the kid
Please tell me why your Caucasian Shepherd dog has such sad eyes?
Because there is no one to bite.
My Asian friend recommended me to try eating dog
It was exactly what i'd imagined: all bark and no bite
Your taste buds change every month. Want proof? Follow these steps.
1. Take a piece of bread or a fruit of your choice.
2. Take a bite of said food.
3. Wait a month.
4. Take another bite of that *same* piece of food.
Of all goes correctly, you should have tasted something different.
She really loved him.
So she took another bite.
My wife likes to bite her lip trying to look seductive. After 20 years of marriage I finally told her...
It's meant to be the bottom one.
Hippos are one of the most aggressive animals in all of Africa. What do you call it when a hippo kills something in one bite?
A man walks into a bar and says to the bartender Ill bet you 100 dollars I can bite my left eye.
The bartender doesn’t think he can bite his own eye so he bets him 100 dollars. The man takes out his glass eye and bites it. The bartender ends up giving him 100 dollars. The man comes back a few minutes later and says “I’ll let you get your money back. I’ll bet you 300 dollars I can’t bite my right eye” so the bartender bets him because there’s no way th
An old man goes to the IRS.
An old man goes to the IRS building to settle his debts, on entering an agent mocked the old man for his age. Out of spite, the old man bet the agent $2000 that he could bite his eye.
The agent took him up, and to his surprise the old man laughs and takes out his glass eye, then bites it.
Angered, the agent bet him $4000 that he couldn’t bite the *other* eye. With a
Two guys driving down the road
They see a dog licking his balls.
One guy says:
"Man I wish I could do that"
The other guy says:
"Man he'd bite you"
From a song I like and probably somebody's grandpa. Definitely can picture an old man telling this joke.
How do you make a hormone?
You bite her nipple.
Oh my God!!! You're turning into a vampire?! I didn't even bite you yet!!"
That, kids, is what's known as PREMATURE EDRACULATION
A man walks into a bar
A man walks into a bar and bets the bartender $200 he can take his eye out of his head. The bartender agrees, thinking it impossible, but the man takes out his eye, revealing it to be glass.
The man then bets the bartender $500 he can bite his own eye. The bartender agrees, only for him to take out the same glass eye and bite it. The bartender is annoyed that he took the bet,
So I was eating chicken fingers on the beach
And this random seagull swoops in and takes my chicken finger so I yell to my brother to give me the football he was holding and he did so I threw the ball at the seagull and nailed it It in the head and watched as I plummeted to the ground then ran over to a bloody seagull took my chicken finger out of its mouth took a bite and yelled “that’s what you get for taking my chicken finger
What do you call it when more people bite dogs than dogs bite people?