Why is being an orphan like not being able to pay your phone bill?
Because you ain't got no data
My mom gave me the money for the light bill but instead I spent it on a raffle ticket for a brand new car.
And the next day, wouldn't you believe it, a brand new van showed up in our drive way! - It was the power company, my funeral is tomorrow
What do you call a threesome involving an older woman, a man, and a lady?
A Bill Clinton. Because he's sandwiched between two bush's with one being older than the other.
Bill: "Bob, if I hand you this framework of wooden beams, do you promise you won't drop it?"
Bob: "Truss me."
A dollar a twenty and a hundred dollar bill argue who is worth more
"Trump says not to worry about a recession. He always finds a way to win, and he wrote the book on surviving financial catastrophe.
Specifically, chapter 11."
- Bill Maher from his show on Friday
Little Johnny walked into a Bar
Bill gates dies
My girlfriend is a feminist...
Until the server brings the bill.
My friend couldnt afford his water bill.
Yesterday, a homeless man approached me while I was checking the mail...
He said, "Sir, I hate to bother you, but I haven't eaten in nearly two days. Is there any way you can find it in your heart to give me a dollar or two?" I told him that I only had large bills. He said, "Hell, I'll take one of those!" So I looked through what I had in my hand, and I gave him my electric bill.
Bill Gates died and went to heaven.
After a night on the town, a drunk walks into a bar, orders a shot and and immediately pukes all over his own shirt.
"Wha' my gonna do now? My wife'z gonna kill me."
"Relax," the bartender says, "give me a five-dollar bill." The bartender folds up the bill and puts it in the guy's shirt pocket. "Tell your wife some drunk puked on you and gave you five bucks to have your shirt cleaned."
"Thas's a great idea!"
They say that geysers make up to 40 of your electrical bill
But I unplugged her years ago?
A man was planning a funeral for his deceased father.
James Charles, Justin Bieber, and bill gates were stranded on an island 100 miles away from shore and one by one they tried to swim off the island
First bill gates swam out 15 miles but then got tired and drowned. Next James Charles swam out 25 miles but got tired and drowned. Finally Justin Bieber swam out 50 miles and got tired and swam all the way back.
I remember how embarrassed I was when I couldn't pay my electric bill
It was the darkest day of my life
Tony tells his friend Jimmy: "My son is stupid."
Jimmy doesn't believe him. So they go to Tony's house and enter his son's room. Tony tells him: "In my left hand I have a $2 bill. In my right hand I have a $20 bill. Pick one and it's yours." The son picks the $2 bill and goes outside, leaving Jimmy dumbfounded.
15 minutes later Jimmy finds Tony's son sitting in the garden and eating an ice cream.
(kidz these days): Hey Farmer Bill! What's it like to F chickens and cows lolololo ... (Farmer Bill): How the hell should I know?!
we only gots chickens
There was a young man in Brazil
Here's a math problem: If 1 faucet fills a bath tub in 1 hour, 2 faucets fill the 2 bath tubs in 2 hours ..
how can I get over my mom who wants me to pay the water bill?
Bought a new muzzle for my pet duck today.
Nothing fancy, but it fits the bill.
Dad I'm hungry
- There is a 20$ bill I your room, you'll find it after you clean.
- I cleaned the room but found nothing
- alright, it's in the drawer in the kitchen
- thanks dad, I didn't clean my room
Why did hitler commited suicide?
He recived gas bill.
If Bill Gates becomes a Trillionaire...
He will be known as Trill Gates.
My doctor has a great stress test.
What's the definition of an Arkansas Virgin?
A girl that can run faster than the Bill Clinton.
What do you call an archery instructor named Bill who's cleaning up after class, who also has a weak grasp on possessives?
Bill bow baggin's
What do you get when you cross Donald Trump and Bill Clinton?
Q: What do you get when you cross Bill Clinton and Donald Trump?
A: Murdered in your prison cell.
(seen on Twitter...)
A famous professor is going around giving lectures. After he finishes one up in Denver, he climbs into his car and talks to his driver.
"Hey Bill, take me back to the hotel please"
"Yes sir. Ya know, Dr. Diller, I've heard your lecture so many times I bet I could recite it word for word"
"Oh, you really think so? Well, if I ever can't make it to a conference one day, I'll take you up on that bet."
Well, believe it or not, the professor falls ill th
What do you do if you are waitering for conjoined twins?
Split the bill
Bill and Fred were chatting.
Bill said I had a terrible sleep last night.
Fred said well I slept like a baby.
Woke up no hair, no teeth and I shit myself:
Want to hear my Bill Hader impression?
Unfortunately, it's not my Forte...
One company owner asks another: Tell me, Bill, how come your employees are always on time in the mornings?
To all who believe that the Clintons are like the Underwoods:
At least Bill is more likely Underbush.
"Paint me like one of your French girls, Jack"
Except Jack was Jeff Epstein, and it was Bill Clinton saying it.
Bill Clinton Survives Bear Attack
(Interview following incident in Yellowstone National Park)
Interviewer: This must have been a terrifying situation Bill. How did you end up face-to-face with a Grizzly?
Bill: Well me and Mrs. Clinton were driving through the park. I saw a couple young ladies walking down a trail and figured I was up for a little hike. Not far down the trail I hear twig snap and look to t
What do you get if you cross Bill Clinton and Donald Trump?
Found in your cell, unresponsive
What do you get if you cross Bill Clinton and Donald Trump?
Found in your cell, unresponsive.
One company owner asks another: Hey Bill how come your employees are always on time in the mornings?
The cause of Weinstein's death has finally been discovered
It was the Bill that hit him hard
Jeffrey Epstein's suicide note was found recently
It read " Tell my family I love them and im sorry. Also big thanks to Bill Clinton, I couldn't have pulled off this 'suicide' without yeah buddy."
Before 20 years, If i walk in to the grocery store with a 100$ Bill, I could have get enough supply for a month. But now its just for a day or two
Damn camera's everywhere!
A duck entered a restaurant with three geese.
The geese ordered a lot of food, ate, then left, making the duck responsible for the tab.
The duck said, "Why do I always get stuck with a bill?"
Jeffrey Epstein, Donald Trump, and Bill Clinton walk into a bar.
So I heard Jefferey Epstein Died.
At least he died doing what he loved (hurting someone else so Bill Clinton could get off)
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light
in case you're wondering how I do with first impressions.
How long before I can get a haircut?
This guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" . The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours". The guy leaves.
A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks , "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop full of customers and says, "About 2 hou
I nearly paid off my student loans today, I was so close! But then I got an unexpected bill for my gym membership.
I didn't even know we had a gym at the nursing home.