Bend

Jokes

I like to bend over, grab my ankles, and slowly lean forward.

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My doctor took one look at my gut and refused to believe that I work out.

So I listed the exercises I do every day: jump to conclusions, climb the walls, drag my heels, push my luck, make mountains out of molehills, bend over backward, run around in circles, put my foot in my mouth, go over the edge, and beat around the bush.

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Change is hard.

Have you ever tried to bend a coin?

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I'll bend over backwards for you if you need help

But I won't bend forward

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My friends tried to get me to do the limbo with them.

But I wasn’t going to stoop to their level. Why should I bend over backwards for them?

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How do you make my penis 12 inches.

Bend it in half.

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Genie: So, what's your last wish?

Guy: Bend down.

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Genie: So what's your last wish?

Bend over, Genie...

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A Husband was a bit embarrassed and told the Doctor he had trouble getting an Erection with his Wife and she was getting frustrated.

The Doc checked the man's blood pressure and other vitals, then after a thorough examination said he wanted to check with the Wife.

He took Her to another cubicle and asked her to disrobe.

Then he told her to turn all the way around slowly.

She did as instructed.

He then told her to raise her arms above her head, then bend over, touch her to


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How can photons bend so easily?

They practice light yoga

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Its such a hassle for people to have to bend over their drinks.

We really need to raise the bar.

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LPT: This is the most effective thing you can do to prepare for catastrophic climate change.

Bend over.

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New truck

My buddy Frank bought a new truck today and the dealer made sure to mention that if the spark plugs get wet that is wont work. So if you know it's going to rain to be sure to put vaseline on them.

He happened to be going to his girlfriend's parents house for the first time tonight and Shiela told him that the first person to talk during dinner did the dishes. He didnt think


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Old man problems

A senior goes to his family doctor
"Doctor I have a problem! It's my dick. When I was 20 it felt like iron. I could try and twist it, snap it, hit it but nothing! It stood up defiantly as if nothing had happened. Nowadays I can bend it whatever shape I want"
"Well, my friend" goes the doctor "you know, old a..."
"I mean, doctor, where does


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When people bend over and you see a crack

Remember it can be used as a bike rack

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A man goes to the doctor and says, "I've got a tapeworm."

"I've been to so many specialists and no one can seem to get rid of it."

The doctor thinks for a few moments and says, "OK, come back next week with a banana and a cookie."

The man is confused but, having been failed by every conventional treatment, goes home and returns a week later with a banana and a cookie.

"Drop your pants a


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3 guys are captured by blood thirsty savages, they are taken in front of their chief who tells the 1st guy,u have a choice between death and bunga bunga!

He says “I’ll take bunga bunga”! So they bend him over a log and the whole tribe has their way with him!, then the chief asked the 2nd guy ,”death or bunga bunga”?!, he also chooses bunga bunga, so he gets the same bent over the log treatment! Then the chief asks the 3rd guy “death or bunga bunga”?! And he says “I choose death”! And the chief s


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A man goes to the doctor and says, "I've got a tapeworm."

"I've been to so many specialists and no one can seem to get rid of it."

The doctor thinks for a few moments and says, "OK, come back next week with a banana and a cookie."

The man is confused but, having been failed by every conventional treatment, goes home and returns a week later with a banana and a cookie.

"Drop your pants a


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Israel is working to produce an automobile that will have the most advanced braking technology ever conceived.

A spokesman for the manufacturer said that not only will these new cars stop on a dime, they will bend down and pick it up while grinning gleefully.

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Stick Your Head Between Legs

A stewardess did her usual act of showing passengers the safety drill. Near the end she said, "And in the event of an emergency, bend forward and put your head between your legs."


Eunice said to her boy friend Jeff, "I can't bend that far these days!"


Jeff replied with a smile, "Well then, you'll just have to put your head


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I asked my friend in Wales how to pull.

She said bend over and bahh

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Im a lover, not a fighter...

so bend over, because I’m getting mad!

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Sex over Walkie Talkie

Person 1: Bend over

Person 2: Bend what? Over

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I keep dropping my phone

Bend my phone and cracked my screen. Things are getting outta hand.

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A man comes to prison

Black guy: "Let's play mom and dad, who do you want to be?"

White guy: "I want to be dad"

Black guy: "Okay, i'll be mom, now please turn around and bend over"

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Why do apple products bend so easily?

Because they're made for flexing.

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What did the proctologist say to the british shopoholic?

Bend over, I want to see your ASOS

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I was told that my butt will show up when I bend over.

Nonsense! Hearing that cracked me up.

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NSFW A man goes hunting for bears...

Deep in the woods, he spots a large grizzly. He raises his gun, aims for the heart, and pulls the trigger. *Click*

The bear approaches him smiling and says "Nice try, now either you bend over or I eat you."

The man bends over, and the bear proceeds to rip off his clothes and bugger him for the next hour before letting him go. The man stumbles back to his house,


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I tried to join a gymnastics class, once.

I had to bend over backwards just to get in.

Thank you to the dad I overheard telling his daughter this on public transport... a genuine dad joke.

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Please examine my son

A woman goes to the doctor.
W: Doctor I'd like you to examine my son. He's always sick.
D: Ok, tell him to wait in that exam room and I'll take a look at him.


Son goes and sits in the examination room. After a while doctor goes him to check him and comes back out after 5 minutes.


D: Okay madam, I need you to go into the oth


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People dont like having to bend over to get their drinks.

We really need to raise the bar.

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Ive been getting busy with a new girlfriend recently. Im very relieved she finds the quality of the sex adequate despite the bend Ive developed in my penis.



I know because I asked her. She said “Weird flex but okay.”

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After a lot of hard work Ive finally made the local limbo team.

I had to bend over backwards to get in though.

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Ive been getting busy with a new girlfriend recently. Im very relieved she finds the quality of the sex adequate despite the bend Ive developed in my penis.

I know because I asked her. She said “Weird flex but okay.”

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My girlfriend is 6'2 and I'm 5'9..

She has to bend down to kiss me.

I guess I'm in a long distance relationship.

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I've been having some separation anxiety recently, and my Jamaican psychiatrist recommended that I bend an old pen around my finger as an exercise in self-assurance

Worked like a charm, I really feel like I am in de pen dent

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Bisexual people are like bendy straws

they're straight until you make them bend over

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If you can read this,...

I just started playing ice hockey for the first time. I want to put a funny sign on the top of my helmet that says "If you can read this, ..." like the signs on the backs of semi-truck trailers that say "If you can read this, you're too close!" or on the backs of bikers' jackets that say "..., the bitch fell off!".

I'm pretty tall (6'


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A man heard a strange noise coming from his asshole.

It sounds like it is asking him for a beer, confused he complies.

He pops the beer and starts going to shoving it in.

When bend over he and looks he sees a moth and the moth say

"No buddy I asked for a butt light"

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I saw the Mission Impossible movie in IMAX the other day...

The quality was so life like I felt like I could just bend over and pet Tom Cruise.

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An Arabian man is riding his camel across the desert on his way to meet the slaver.

When he gets there, he presented with a group of worn out old slaves, chained up together.

"I need someone who will go out of their way to help me". Says the Arabian man, "These slaves look like they are run to the ground". He looks around then points to a girl in a cage.

"She is not for sale", says the slaver, "this girl is my contort


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A mute guy meets up with his mute friend when all of a sudden he starts to speak normally. He asks him how did you learn to speak?

His friend tells him he met a doctor who cured him, and gives him his contact. So the mute goes to the doctors office the next day and meets Dr. Jacobs, who assured him he could get his voice working, but it will be a long and painful process. The mute man agrees.
Doctor: Okay I’ll need you to drop your trousers and bend over
Mute: *does so*
At this point the doctor walks a


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Two old men were sitting at the park one day NSFW

One says to the other, "Oh, god, I'm so OLD! You won't even believe how old I am."

The other responds, "Oh, I think I can."

"You have no idea. I'm so old. You don't even know how old I am."

"Ok, stand up and I'll tell you how old you are."

First man stands up. Second man says, "


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What does a person with OCD bring out in the bedroom when they tell their partner to bend over?

A protractor.

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New sequel to Bend It Like Beckham announced.

It’s called “Fake It Like Neymar”

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Three women applied for a job at a bar.

The manager at the bar asked the three women if you see $20 on the ground, what would you do?

The first woman said: I will put it in the till.

The second woman said: I will ask around if anyone had lost the money, if no one has claimed it, I would put it in the till.

The last one said: I will put my foot on it and bend over to pick it up before anyone sees it


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Let's have phone sex over walkie talkies.

"bend over."
"bend what? over."

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Rodeo Sex

When you’re making love to your girl doggy style and bend over and whisper in her ear, “this is how your sister likes it too”, and try and hold on for 8 seconds.

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A smoker and a gay man die

God gives them another chance buy they have to quit their ways.
One more cigarette or shag and they are going to hell.
Having returned to earth, the ground is full of cigarette buts and gay bars at every step.
After a while, the smoker can't help himself and reaches for a cigarette but.
The gay says: don't bend for it or we'll both going to hell.


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