Behold

Jokes

Three disabled stranded men

Three disabled guys (a blind man, an amputee, and a guy in a wheelchair) are flying back with the USA team from the Paralympic games in the Middle East when their plane crashes in the Sahara Desert. The three disabled guys (the only survivors) are now stranded and wait for someone to rescue them, but no one showed. They start to get real thirsty, so they decide to seek out water. The amputee leads


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A man goes to the Apple store

To upgrade his iPhone, wondering why all the new products looked the same as the old but had a plus next to them.

He asked an employee who said, "yeah if we add a plus next to the products people think they're better than the really are."

Later that night as the man was getting frisky with his girlfriend, she rolled her eyes as he excitedly disrobed. "


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Happy St. Patrick's Day! Heard this at a festival.

Two irishmen are floating lost in the ocean on a boat. They ran out of food a couple of days ago, and just ran out of water, so naturally they're pretty desperate.

Out on the water, one of them spies a genie's lamp, and they both frantically paddle toward it in the hopes that it is real.

One of them picks it out of the water and rubs it, and lo and behold, a gen


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A man walks in through the front door after work

and his wife immediately starts smacking him, left and right across the face, cursing.

"Woah woah woah...what gives?!?" the man says.

The smacking intensifies briefly, and then she let's up.

"I picked up your coat from the dry cleaners earlier today, and found THIS in the pocket!" his wife exclaims.

She presents a small


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I just saw a man repair his monocle with his bare hands.

It was a spectacle to behold.

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A new pastor was visiting the homes of his parishioners

At one house it seemed obvious that someone was home but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took at a card and wrote “Revelations 3:20” on the back of it and stuck it to the door.

When the offering was taken the following Sunday, the pastor found his card had been returned. Along with the verse he had written, he found another cryptic message:


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Behold the signature, unanimous battle cry of the Millenials en mass:

"I'm easy"

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Behold the signature, unanimous battle cry of the Millenials en mass:

"I'm easy"

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What's the most beautiful sight to behold in Britain?

The platform for the Eurostar to Paris.

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Did I ever tell you about the time I met a celebrity?

I was in a cab at the beach and it pulled over to get this chick and she got in wearing nothing but a bikini- and low and behold it was the most famous Kardashian!!!

All I could think was “Please don’t get an boner! Please don’t get an boner! Please don’t get a boner!”




...But she did anyway.




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Satan emerges from the earth, clutching a large fruit

"Behold me, and this pear"

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Sherlock and Watson are camping in the woods.



They set up their tent before dusk, and get right to sleep.

At 2:17 A.M., Sherlock wakes up, and shakes Watson awake. He says to Watson, "What do you see out there?"

Watson stares at the countless stars, and says "God has set before us a vast void, and filled it with celestial snow. Truly, it is a beautiful sight, and one to behold and treasur


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A farmer and his chickens.

A farmer checks his hens for eggs for his breakfast every morning. Being that he is usually in a rush and not very gentle, the hens decide to play a prank on him one day.

They all get a bunch of berries of various colors and eat them to excess, hoping that the next eggs they have will be off-colored and trick the farmer into throwing them away (and thus miss out on his usual breakfast


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I am now the strongest mage you could ever see!!! For i have mastered Fire and Ice magic.

NOW BEHOLD, the TERRIFYING POWERS of the SLIGHTLY WARM WATER!!

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I was at the gym the other day

When I spotted this alpha motherfucker across the gym, so I did what I needed to assert myself, and squatted everything I could find. Throwing plates at that bar. He matched me every set. Then when it was all said and done I felt we developed a mutual respect, shot him a quick wink, he fired one back at me. I got the courage to go talk to that bulky monster, low and behold it was a mirror. So I di


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Peter and Griselda were walking home from the pub one night....

....when Griselda says, "I need a piss!" and goes behind a bush and drops her knickers.

Feeling horny, Peter puts his hand through the bush and feels around a bit.


Lo and behold, Peter is sure he feels something dangling between Mary's legs.

He says "have you changed sex?"


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Pussy Willow

One morning, old man Speller is sitting on his front porch, when the neighbors’ young son walks by dragging a whole mess of fencing behind him.

“Hey boy! Where you goin’ with all that fencin’?”, asks the old man.

“This here mister? Well this here’s chicken wire, I’m going to catch me some chickens!”, replies the boy.


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A religious woman works in an epidemiology lab...

One day, she sets up two agar plates, and swabs the first with smallpox. Remembering how dangerous her line of work is, she touches the crucifix around her neck and says a quick prayer.

She gets a new pair of gloves, then swabs some Ebola onto the other plate, but not before again tapping her necklace and saying a another short prayer.

Days later she comes to check the cu


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I have a tendency to use words in a context they don't behold.

I call it a freudian flip.

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Did you know that Jesus was both an exhibitionist and a premature ejaculator?

"Behold, I come quickly."

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Little Jimmy and the Clown

Little Jimmy loves clowns, especially Bob the clown. The circus Bob works in comes to town on Jimmy's 8th birthday, lo and behold he gets to go and he gets picked to do a special act with Bob the clown.

Bob asks him "Are you the horse's head?" Little Jimmy replies, "No." Then Bob says "Well, then you must be the horses ass!" The crowd starts la


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NSFW A very offensive joke I found that gets worse the more you read, Enjoy _

So I'm banging the fuck out of this slutty chick, right?

And I'm thinking to myself, "She's PROBABLY got AIDS." So I go and get myself tested and, lo-and-behold, I'm positive.

This gets me thinking, "Where the fuck does an eight year old get AIDS?!"

"Who has my sister been hanging out with?!"


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This gets darker as it progresses, so caution NSFW

So I'm banging the fuck out of this slutty chick, right?
And I'm thinking to myself, "She's PROBABLY got AIDS." So I go and get myself tested and, lo-and-behold, I'm positive.
This gets me thinking, "Where the fuck does an eight year old get AIDS?!"
"Who has my sister been hanging out with?!"


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Behold the nuclear arsenal of North Korea and Supreme Leader Kim Jong Un!

The very Earth quakes in terror!

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Many scholars think that the Bible has been altered over time to exaggerate its claims..

For example, some think that "Behold, I am with you, even unto the end of the age" originally read "Behold, I am with you, even unto the end of this page."

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A young girl was kidnapped

A young girl was kidnapped
by ritual killers. They took
her into an evil forest
where they kept other
victims that where
kidnapped also.
They removed their clothes
and kept them naked.
When they are needed, they
will just bring them out and
kill them.
So one day. It was the
young girl's turn to be killed.
They took


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One day, I was walking down the road and I saw a black guy holding a T.V

and I was like "Damn! That looks like mine!", so I ran back all the way home and nope, lo and behold, it was still there, shining my shoes.

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So I'm banging the fuck out of this slutty chick, right?

And I'm thinking to myself, "She's PROBABLY got AIDS." So I go and get myself tested and, lo-and-behold, I'm positive.
This gets me thinking, "Where the fuck does an eight year old get AIDS?!"
"Who has my sister been hanging out with?!"

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Condom should be in its place.

My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.

There was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister.

One day her sister asked me to come at home, She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she


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A circus is opening a show.

Master of ceremonies announces:

— Ladies and gentlemen! Behold! The world-famous trio of acrobats!

Acrobats walk onto the ring. Voice from the audience:

— Acrobats? These are faggots, why the fuck else would they wear pantyhose like bitches.

Acrobats get offended, screw up and walk away.

Master of ceremonies announces:


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Behold, the power of Bill Murray!

Just sit there and think, Bill Murray. You are at the very least, smiling. I think he is the only person who can get to the front page just on his name alone. Let's see.

Edit: thought this would at least appeal to the "Fuck it, have an upvote" crowd.

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So Al Sharpton Came To A Church....

When I heard Al Sharpton was guest preacher at a black Miami Church, I decided to check him out in person and see what it was all about. I sat down and Sharpton came up to me - I don’t know why, maybe it was because I was the only white person in the Church. He laid his hands on my hand and said: “By the will of Jesus the Lord All Mighty, and the will of God, you will walk today."


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What do you call a mother creating her sons to be the sexiest at the youngest possible age?

hilarious to behold

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Two men are changing in a locker room . . .

When one of the men notices that the other has a cork up his butt. He politely asks why it is that the man has a cork stuck in his butt. The other man explains that one day as he was walking along the beach, he noticed a lamp resting in the sand. He rubbed it three times, not really expecting anything to happen, but lo and behold a genie appeared.
"The genie explained that he would gran


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So a man walks into a bar...

He sits at the bar and orders, "Barkeep! I'll have 3 shots, one of jack, one vodka and one rum!". The barkeeper nods to the man and turns around to get take more orders, multitasking as bartenders do.
A minute later the barkeep returns with the shots and our boy downs all three in no time flat. He lets out a sigh and burp of contentment and catches the barkeep's eye to or


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Driving isn't for everyone xpost wtf

"A couple get home from work, and turn on the news. As they sit down to watch, the program breaks to a story about how there's someone driving the wrong way down a motorway. The couple get worried as an elderly relative is coming to visit and they don't want her to get into an accident caused by a lunatic driving going the wrong way.

They get increasingly worried until


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I time-travel quite frequently, ...

I'd go to bed around midnight, and in few seconds I'd wake up to, lo and behold, 9 AM.

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What do you call a person that constantly hunts for karma?

A predditor.

EDIT: [I was listening to this song and had to take a shit; the lyrics were stuck in my head as a I was on the toilet browsing reddit. Lo and behold this joke came to mind; hope it made some one's day better (I'm a little drunk)](http://carbomb.bandcamp.com/track/the-seconds)

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A male to female tranny goes into a time machine and meets Diogenes

he says to the other philosophers, "Behold! I've brought you a man!"

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