Beauty

Jokes

How do you call an area populated by run-down Italian beauty salons?

A spa-ghetto


... I am so ashamed of myself...

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20 is a monumental age for one's beauty.

**It can either be detrimental or euphoric, or both.**

With you either...
**Becoming a work of Art.**
Or... **Becoming a work of Modern Art.**

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Why wanting beauty is less shallow than wanting money?

When you divorce a beautiful person you don't get half of their good looks.

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A black man and a bird walk into a bar.

The bartender said "What a beauty! Where did you get him?"
The bird replied "Africa."

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My daughter woke me around 11:50 last night.

My wife and I had picked her up from her friend Sally's birthday party, brought her home, and put her to bed. My wife went into the bedroom to read while I fell asleep watching the Braves game.

"Daddy," she whispered, tugging my shirt sleeve. "Guess how old I'm going to be next month."

"I don't know, beauty," I said as I slippe


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Why is that when other people don't take no for an answer, they are hailed as being persevering, showcasing the beauty of human spirit etc, but when I don't take no for an answer

I get reported for sexual harassment

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The Beauty and the Beast story is just like Adobe Photoshop

It wouldn't work the same without smart objects

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There is a beekeeper who is notorious for how he is very selective.

He will only keep bees that people would normally see as ugly, scary, etc. Nobody knows why he does this, maybe he has an obsession of sorts, but nobody knew until somebody decided to ask him why.

The beekeeper is not phased by the question, but he is confused why someone would refer to the bees as ugly. He believes that the bees are beautiful to the eye. Somebody asks why he feels t


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Once upon a time in ancient Japan...

There lived a shogun who enjoyed pleasures of women but was getting bored of all the Japanese mistresses. So one day he asked his minister to find him a foreign mistress excelling in the art of making love.

The minister being loyal and curious sailed the seven seas and found the perfect woman for his shogun in a harbour town of Europe. She had a voluptuous body and an exotic face, a


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Please help me find my lost horse, Black Beauty.

The horse was last seen near the white fence I was repainting.
Side note, is anyone missing a zebra?

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Saw this beauty on rtinder

I can’t be a comedian
I always punch up the fuckline

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A farmer's only donkey ran away in the forest.

He packed up a few days ration and ventured into the jungle to find his animal. He searched and he searched but he couldn't find it, so he decided to retire for the night. He climbed up a tree, tied himself to the trunk so he doesn't fall down.

Just as he was about to sleep, he heard some rustling below the tree. He looked down below and saw a couple making love in the nearb


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Four-eyes. An insult in America...

A beauty standard in Chernobyl.

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Overcome with the beauty of the Earth from space, the astronaut removed his helmet...

The view was breathtaking!

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Planned Parenthood is conducting a beauty contest.

The winner will be called 'Miss Carriage'.

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Your beauty is mythical

I've never seen it.

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I went to the beauty parlor and asked my cosmetician to make me look like a movie star

**She gave me a shot of heroine**

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My daughter entered a toddler's beauty pageant in the south.

She won the Miss Sippy Cup!

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A priest a nun and a camel .

A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the third day out the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning. After dusting themselves off, the nun and the priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the priest spoke. "Well sister, this looks pretty grim." "I know, father." "In fact, I don't think it likely that we can surv


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Father remember son beauty is only skin deep..

Is deep enough for me, replies the son.

I am no cannibal.

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I saw a guy holding a huge bumblebee and I said "Eww! What are you holding that ugly creature for?"

Indignantly he said "It's not ugly!"

I guess beauty is in the eye of the bee-holder.

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The woman who injected her 8-year old daughter with Botox for beauty pageants has lost custody.

The child didn't look surprised.

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Wife : i just came from beauty parlor

Husband: was it closed again?

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Thank god R.Kelly and Bill Cosby wasnt in Alabama.

Because everyone would be able to the “beauty” of their work.

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Why did Trump throw out all of Ivankas beauty products?

He ran through the house afterward screaming “No Collagen! No Collagen!”

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A woman lost custody of her child today after injecting her 9-year old with Botox to win a beauty pageant

Needless to say, the child didn't look surprised.

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I told my girlfriend she was conceited AND two-faced.

she just shrugged and said that's just twice as much of her beauty to go around.

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Donald Trump and his staff attend a beauty contest.

The contestants were not pleased to see his Caucus.

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How did the male porn star describe the female porn stars beauty?

He said she had the nicest face he ever came across.

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What do beauty therapists say when theyre finished with a manicure?

Nailed it!

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Why did the blonde storm out of the beauty pageant...?

She got tired of people judging her.

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An apiarist consults his family doctor about a troubling rash.

Doctor: You have hives.
Apiarist: Yes many, and they are my pride and joy.
Doctor: Beauty is in the eye of the bee holder.



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I found this short, thin stick covered with flammable chemical at one end.

I rubbed it firmly against a rough surface. Suddenly I felt completeness and purpose in life. All the negative feelings such as bitterness and hate melted away. I started to see divine beauty around me and I was able to forgive everything. My mind was still. As I looked around me, I noticed there was no more fighting, envy, war or greed. Peace at last! Love conquered the world.

What I


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Did you hear about the time Hugh Hefner went to the beauty pageant?

He came in 1st, came on 2nd, came in 3rd...

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Wife came home from a beauty salon.

Husband, “Well, at least you tried.”

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Wife came home from a beauty salon

Husband: "Well, at least you tried."

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Beauty...

is in the eye of the beerholder.

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If there's a bee in my hand, what's in my eye?

Beauty. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

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Have you heard about the Beauty and the Beast sequel where they fix up the Beast's house?

It's a tale as old as time, a song of mold and grime.

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A lion waa doing the cocaine

Once upon a time, a bear was smoking the weed. The rat see this.

Rat : why are you wasting your life in this, come with me. Jungle is so pretty.

So the bear and the rat start touring the jungle. They see a wolf doing the meth.

Rat : why are you wasting your life in this, come with me and bear, see how pretty the jungle in the night is..

So all of


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I couldn't understand my girlfriend this morning, so I used her clarifying face mask

Apparently she was dumping me for using her beauty products...

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What do you call a beauty queen with a black eye?

Miss Treatment

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A guy goes to the pub...

A guy goes to the pub, and says to his friend, "You won't believe what happened! I was taking a shortcut along the railway track, and I found a girl tied to the rails. I untied her, and we had sex over and over again. All the positions; everything!"

His friend replies, "Wow, that's great! I bet she's a beauty, right?"

"I don't


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My girlfriend is a campsite beauty.

She is pretty intense.

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Doing the dirty dishes

meant something completely different on the set of The Beauty and the Beast.

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Doing the dirty dishes

meant something completely different on the set of The Beauty and the Beast.

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I went to a clinic that can scientifically rate your beauty on a scale of 1 - 10 by taking a urine sample.

I never actually had to pee in the cup though because when they handed it to me, they told me “You’re an eight.”

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One day a bus of about 30 people die in a car crash

Once they get to heaven god says,”Since you all died in such a tragic way I will grant you one wish before I let you into heaven.” Well the first woman walks up and says,”God I wish to be beautiful.” So God made her stunningly beautiful. The next man doesn’t really know what to wish for so he wishes for stunning beauty to, so God made him stunning as well. Well right


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Dad Jokes



Dad jokes aren’t an affliction that happens to dads, they’re a way of life. No one should ever be ashamed of #dadjokes. Instead, if you are a father, you should be worried if you don’t know enough good dad jokes.

You know that old saying, “Where there’s a will there’s a way?” That’s a pretty good one. Another good saying?


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Why did Prince Charming urinate on Sleeping Beauty?

To awaken her with true love's piss

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