Beautiful

Jokes

I was told I would grow up into a "beautiful butterfly"

But as it turns out, I'm that moth that keeps running into your lamp for 2 hours strait

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Rabbit, Turtle, and Buzzard all lived together in the desert.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Judy walks into a dinner party with a much older man.

At dinner, the lady sitting next to the woman turns to her and says, "My, that's a beautiful diamond you're wearing. In fact, I think it's the most beautiful diamond I have ever seen!"

"Thank you," replies Judy. "This is the Plotnick Diamond."

"The Plotnick Diamond? Is there a story to it?"

"Oh yes,


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Sherlock Holmes and Watson go camping

Towards the end of the evening, they decide to turn into their tent and sleep.

Around 3AM, Sherlock rouses Watson awake

"Watson! Watson!!"

Watson opens his eyes and sees a beautiful night sky full of shimmering stars.

"What do you see Watson?"

"Well Dr Holmes, I see a beautiful universe of millions of glimmer


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

NSFW A girlfriend tells her boyfriend that she thinks she is ugly. The boyfriend tells her that he thinks she is beautiful, but he can see why she thinks that.

The girlfriend gets offended and storms off into the other room.


A couple hours pass, and the boyfriend gets off his Xbox and walks into the kitchen where the girlfriend is located. He takes off his shirt, and proposes sex to his silent girlfriend. Looking for a way to get back at her boyfriend, she says she's down, and as they are walking to the bedroom she secretly grab


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Two 10 year old boys went to a brothel

They heard lot’s of things about the place. The older boys i school told them things like „the most beautiful girls in there will fuck you“.

Without an idea what any of that means and only 1 dollar on them, they stand in front of it and debatte which one of them should go in.

After a few minutes one boy steps into the building. He enters a room with a ta


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Two country bumpkins, George and Sam, won a trip around the world

Sam had a disability, and couldn't walk or talk well, so the local paper decided it would make an interesting article, and they interview them. George did all the talking.

"So how'd you enjoy France?" The reporter asked.

"It was real nice I tell ya, all the people were real nice and the hiking trails were fun too."

"Did Sam


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

I was at my uncle's funeral yesterday..

The most beautiful eulogy was given by one if his closest friends, Ben Stein.

There wasn't a single dry eye in the crowd!

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

A little girl goes up to a preacher one day to confess her sins

"I believe I am guilty of the sin of vanity," the girl told the preacher.

To which the preacher responds "Why do you think that."

The girl tells him "Well every morning I look at myself in the mirror and think about how beautiful I am"

Then the preacher tells the girl "Oh don't worry, that's not a sin, that's


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

How do you make 3 pounds of fat look beautiful?

Simple, just add a nipple.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Bill gates dies

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

A man had died

He found himself standing before the Pearly Gates. He knocked and a friendly-looking old man wit a white beard opened the door and introduced himself as Saint Peter.

"Come in!" st. Peter said.

"Do you mean I get to go to heaven?"

"Yeah, sure" st. Peter Said "Come in. I'll give you a tour of the place"


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Knock, Knock!

Knock, knock!
Who's there?
General Lee
General Lee, who?
Generally, I don't tell jokes but..


"You look beautiful today!" a politician on the campaign tells a woman.
"Thanks, but unfortunately I can't say the same for you," the woman replies.
"Sure you could," the politician says. "You just hav


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

A native american cought a beautiful mermaid by the river. After examining the mermaid he throws her back in. His friend then asked why

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Ive I met and love a beautiful with apicologist, time to stop my pirating days for her

She be a keeper.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

People sure do love to call the sun "hot."

Whatever happened to calling it beautiful? Gorgeous? Perhaps even brimming with elegance? Think before you speak.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Two old friends are playing golf one morning

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

I met a beautiful girl in bangkok.

I was at that bar in bangkok and saw this beautiful girl. She looked at me with that amazing smile and all i could think of was "dont get a boner, dont get a boner" - but she still got one :(

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

An old teacher.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Today I went for a walk with a beautiful girl.

Then she noticed me so we went for a run.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

If your ever having a bad day, just remember

I'm beautiful

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

The only B word you should refer to a woman as, is beautiful.

Bitches love to be called beautiful.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

A woman is out golfing when she hits her golf ball into the woods. When she goes to retrieve it, she finds a talking frog trapped beneath a fallen tree...

"Please!" the frog cries, "Help me! If you can just lift up this tree even just a little bit, I will be free! And I'll grant you three wishes!"

The woman quickly agrees, and throws her weight into the tree. She can't lift it much, as it's quite heavy, but she does manage to move it just barely enough for the frog to free himself.

He dus


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Mental illness joke. (I have this illness so I'm laughing at myself) I used to have a beautiful girlfriend who loved and cherished me before I got diagnosed with Schizophrenia

Then they put me on some pills and she disappeared

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Beautiful lady

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.


She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog
in a trap.

The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I
will grant you three wishes."
The woman freed the frog, and the frog said,
"Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes.

Whatever you wish for, your husband will get ten


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

The baby without ears.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Why wanting beauty is less shallow than wanting money?

When you divorce a beautiful person you don't get half of their good looks.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

I once knew a man who has a micropenis.

One day, he revealed to me how much he hates star gazing. I, an armchair astronomer, asked him how he could hate something so beautiful. He replied "I hate how it reminds me of how small we really are."

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Four affluent fathers meet for a yearly round of golf.

Four affluent fathers meet up for their yearly golf match with each other. As fathers tend to do, they all start bragging about their children. The first father brags, "my son is a successful real estate agent! He's so successful, he gave a beautiful house to one of his friends for free!"

The second father scoffs. "That's nothing. My son is the most successfu


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

The black guy with a parrot

A black guy walks in a with a beautiful parrot on his shoulder.

- Wow, said the bartender, - that is something really special, where did you get that?

- Africa, said the Parrot

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

The only B word you should say to a woman is

Beautiful

Because bitches like it when you call them beautiful.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

John, a pop star, was about to ask a genie for his last wish.

The genie asked,"What is your final wish?"

John replied with,"I wish to be surrounded by beautiful babes!"

The next thing he knew, his room was surrounded with newborns.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

The baby with no ears.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Are you single

A beautiful girl asked me in a restaurant,"Are you single?"

Happily I replied," Yess....."

She took away the extra chair in front of me.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

A wealthy old man named John just got married to a young pretty girl.

At the wedding reception his other old friends were raving at how beautiful his new bride was.

One of his friends asked, "John, you're 78 years old. How did you manage to get such a young beautiful woman to marry you being as old as you are?"

John said, "It's simple, I lied about my age."

His friend smirked and said, "Oh Jo


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

The only 'B' word you should call a girl, is beautiful.

Bitches love being called beautiful.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

My wife is very beautiful

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

My daughter just got proposed to by her boyfriend.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

A naked beautiful woman got into a taxi

"Why do you keep looking back at me instead of the road. Have you never seen a naked woman before?" She angrily said

"No, I have seen many naked women. I am just checking to see where you could possibly kept the money that you will have to pay me soon"

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

My boss pulled up to work to day in a beautiful new Mercedes...

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Me: How do I improve my income.

Millionaire: Well, it's all about the money you have in your pocket now. You have to invest it into things. See your money as a seed to plant a beautiful flower. How do you get a beautiful flower? You feed it water, give it sunshine, all the other shit. The water, the sunshine, all the other shit, these are your ventures. As you expand them, the flower flourishes... you see?

Me:


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Didn't see that coming.........

A beautiful girl asked me in a restaurant, "Are you single?"

Happily I replied, "Yes....."

She took away the extra chair in front of me.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

I joined a gym and said to the trainer, I want to impress beautiful girls, which machine should I use?

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

A man, a, dog and a pig are stranded on a tropical island after a shipwreck...

The trio learn to survive on this island, finding shelter, food and water. They also become good friends and enjoy their new life on what is becoming a tropical paradise.

A few weeks go by and the group is sitting on the beach one evening shooting the breeze. This particular evening the sunset is beautiful. In fact, its the most beautiful sunset any of them have ever seen!


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

A man, a, dog and a pig are stranded on a tropical island after a shipwreck...

The trio learn to survive on this island, finding shelter, food and water. They also become good friends and enjoy their new life on what is becoming a tropical paradise.

A few weeks go by and the group is sitting on the beach one evening shooting the breeze. This particular evening the sunset is beautiful. In fact, its the most beautiful sunset any of them have ever seen!


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

You've gotta go for it!

A man walks down the street and sees a rope dangling down with a note: Climb the rope to success!

He shrugs, climbs the rope and reaches a platform. On it is a beautiful naked woman who tells him: "You can choose to stay here with me, or continue climbing the rope to success".

After some deliberation, he decides to keep climbing only to reach another platform.


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Friend 1: "Comeon dude, your just like my colon"

Friend 2: "Wow, is your colon beautiful, smart, and a dashing young man?"

Friend 1: "No, it's full of crap"

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

A father was approached by one of his daughters one day

“Dad, why did you name me Sunflower?”

“Well my daughter it’s a beautiful thing, when you were born a sunflower landed on your head, so we decided to call you sunflower”

The daughter smiled, happy with the answer and skipped away.

The father’s second daughter came up and asked,

“Father why did you name me


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE
LOAD MORE