Beating

Jokes

My friends abusive gf wanted to practice the grapefruit technique on him but it went downhill when he came to soon ...

... she ended up beating him in to a pulp.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection.

The judge asks her "First offender?"
She replies "No, first a Gibson, then a Fender."

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

I would never joke about animal abuse.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Who has The Rock never beating in his career?

Paper

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

I feel so guilty about masterbation...

I should stop beating myself up.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

A young man wakes up one night and jumps into bed with his grandmother...

Half an hour later, his father catches them in the act, and unsurprisingly begins beating him. "Now wait a minute," shouts the son. "All this time you've been screwing my mother without a word from me, yet you're getting angry when you catch me just *once* on top of yours?"


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

I was arrested for self infliction

Beacause i was beating my meat

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

I have eurotophobia (fear of women genitalia) and my therapist tells me I should confront my fear more

But every time I try I always end up beating around the bush

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Why did the new Orleans man get arrested at the bar for indecent exposure?

He was beating Dick

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Anyone else beating their dick tonight?

Or is it just me and some guy in New Orleans?

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

"So, have you and your wife had any luck trying to have kids?"

"Well, last week I was trying to get hard, but I ended up cumming on her stomach. Then a few days ago, I was jerking it to get ready, but I accidentally finished on her inner thigh. Then last night, I had just gotten hard enough, but I wound up jizzing on her *other* thigh...."

"DUDE! Stop beating around the bush!"


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Honey why do you always stand by the window when I sing?

It's so the neighbours don't think I am beating you.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Why was the band called the beatles?

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

How many police officers does it take to change a light bulb?

They don't. They're too busy arresting the light bulb for being broke and beating the room for being black.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

So I saw three guys beating up a homeless person for stepping on their shoes so I went to go help.

That hobo didn’t stand a chance against us 4.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

One for the French speakers

A Frenchman was beating me with bread.
Oh, the pain!

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Husband comes back home from work...

Instantly he sees clothes all over the place and rushes to the bedroom. There he sees his wife in a latex suit spanking a guy in ropes and a mask.
Frustrated husband jus says:
- Okay so I guess beating you up isn't a good idea...

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

What is hard, fast, rough, and can last between 5 minutes and an hour?

Me beating my child

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Public punishments in Saudi Arabia are really hard

It’s like beating dark soles

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Whos the horniest person in town?

The butcher; he’s always beating his meat

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

I'm so proud of myself

Today there were a group of 4 guys beating up a nerd in school, so I went over to help.

Needless to say, he didn't do well against all 5 of us.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

A man is beating his wife

She screams, “You’ve never beat me this badly!”
Just then one wrong roll of the dice, he has to go to jail.
Monopoly can be so fucking unpredictable.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

XXXTentacion just beat Taylor Swifts Spotify streaming record.

even in the afterlife, he’s still beating women.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

I'm best friends with my ex's brother.

One day, we saw 6 dudes beating her in an alley.


My friend asked: "Aren't we gonna help her?"


I said: "Nah, 6 should be enough."

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Ever try beating off during an episode of Criminal Minds?

All good until a dead rape victim comes on the screen.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

The Police is to a country what the heart is to a body.

It keeps beating and beating and beating.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

The Police is to a country what the heart is to a body.

It keeps beating and beating and beating.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Double Homicide

A double-homicide defendant is in court.

The Judge says to him "You've been charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."

A voice in the back of the courtroom yells out "YOU BASTARD!"

The Judge then adds "You are also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer."

The same voice in th


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Batter powered Assault.

What is the legal term for a robot beating someone up

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

A man from my dorm has a tattoo of Whistler's Mother on his chest

His heart was beating so fast that Whistler's Mother was doing the popcorn!

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Everyone should really give Jussie Smollett a break.

I hear he's really beating himself up about the whole thing.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

3 men arrive at the Pearly Gates at the exact same time.

St Peter was very curious, so he asked the first man to tell his story.

Man 1: My blood pressure is high. so my Dr put me on meds and told me to workout more. I was on my balcony riding my stationary bike when I suddenly got dizzy and fell over the balcony. Somehow I caught the balcony below, but within seconds someone came out to their balcony and started beating on my fingers! I fal


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

A Woman is in Court

She is accused of beating her husband to death with his guitar collection.

​

The Judge says "First offender?"

​

She says "No first a Rickenbacker. Then a Gibson. Then a Fender."

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Why was 6 afraid of 7?

Because 6 had a crush on 7 ever since middle school, but couldn't build up the courage to ask her out. His friends 8 and 9 pushed him to ask her out to prom, and she said yes. They fell in love and got married, 6 got a job as an electrician and 7 played as the house wife. They had 2 beautiful twin girls named 4 and 5, they liked to play hide and seek in the back yard a lot together. But 6 was


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Dear men

Stop beating around the bush and shave your pubes.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

My grandpa just told me this joke.

Grandma keeps beating off the Indians, but they just keep coming and coming!

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Jim : I totally fooled the cops today.

Ron : how so?

Jim : They pulled me over thinking I was John, arrested me and kept beating me for 2 hours, but I never told them that I wasn't John.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Did you hear Jussie Smollett got fired from Empire?

Yeah, he’s really beating himself up over it.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

I was walking home from school when 2 thugs came and started beating the shit out of me. Suddenly, my brother shows up to help out.

Now I can't fight all three of them.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Did you hear Jussie Smollett got fired from Empire?

I heard he’s really beating himself up over it.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

I went to a costume party last night dressed as a pinata

The girls were beating me off with a stick

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

A woman was charged and went to court for beating her husband with his guitar collection

The judge spoked saying "first offender" when the women chimed in saying "no, first a Gibson,then a Fender"

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

I came across 6 men beating up my mother in law. My wife asked "aren't you going to help?"

I said no. Six should be enough.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. Judge asks, "First offender?"

Woman responds, "No, Your Honor. First a Gibson, then a Fender."

I just heard this one, so sorry if it's a repeat.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

One of my favorite memories from high school was being an underclassmen and beating up seniors...

I really miss those summers volunteering at the old folks home

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

A man admitted to beating a cow to death in a rice field with two porcelain figures,

Cops say this is the first known case of a Knick Knack Patty Wack .

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Someone should file a CPS report on Nazi germany and the Soviet Union

Because I hear their beating Poland.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

I was arrested for beating a red light

Apparently I hurt its feelings

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

I got arrested for beating a red light

Turns out they have feelings too

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

A Woman is on Trial for Beating Her Husband with a Guitar...

Judge says, "First offender?"

​

She says, "No, first was a Gibson".

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE
LOAD MORE