Beast

Jokes

What's the difference between a head of lettuce and a unicorn?

One is a funny beast, and the other is a bunny feast!

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My friend lives in house number 667

He is neighbour of the beast.

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What do you call an over weight dog?

O-Beast-ity

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The Beauty and the Beast story is just like Adobe Photoshop

It wouldn't work the same without smart objects

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Mr beast spent 24 hours in prison as a challenge

Not sure why he made a big deal out of this since my dad has been doing it for 17 years and hasn’t done anything about it.

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A Rabbi is walking through the valley of Trid...

...as we makes his way through the waving grasses and scrub brush, he is amazed to see a giant standing over a brook that runs through the valley. As the rabbi watches in amazement, the giant swoops down, grabs one of the natives of the valley, and punts him off into the distance.

The rabbi called out to the monster, but it appeared not to have heard. Seeing this, he continued through


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Janet Jackson wanted to sample a Future song so she asked his production company if she could use Beast Mode. The production company sent a representative to her door with a CD. She asked if it was Beast Mode

The representative said “Sorry Ms. Jackson, this is Fo Real”

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Have you heard about the Beauty and the Beast sequel where they fix up the Beast's house?

It's a tale as old as time, a song of mold and grime.

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What is the difference between a unicorn and a carrot?

One is a funny beast and the other is a bunny feast.

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Doing the dirty dishes

meant something completely different on the set of The Beauty and the Beast.

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Doing the dirty dishes

meant something completely different on the set of The Beauty and the Beast.

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What does beast get when he eat too much?

a belle-y ache

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A man looks up at the full moon, howls, and transforms into a beast that knows everything thats going on....

Awarewolf.

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Watches Mr beast video me: I donated 5$ to my best friend...





My best friend my wallet.

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We could be like beauty and the beast...




Will you be my beast ?

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What has 100 teeth and protects a beast.

A zipper

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A Rabbi goes on a trip...



A Rabbi goes on a trip during which he passes by a village of highly secluded indigenous mountain people called the Trid. He decides to take the opportunity to visit them, and upon meeting the chieftain, he inquires why they never leave the village they live in.


The chief informs him there is a yeti that intercepts and repeatedly kicks the villagers every tim


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A recently widowed woman is entertaining several guests at a dinner party.

She leads them on a tour of the house, and eventually they come to her late husbands study. There’s a giant taxidermy great white shark on the wall.

“Do tell me the story of the shark,” asks a guest.

“Before my husband died, he and I were deep sea fishing off the coast of Peru. We fought this beast for days—finally we caught him and brought h


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Yo Mama is Schrodinger's Slut...

Simultaneously the ugliest beast on the planet AND has more sex than any known human

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What did the hairy beast say to the guy in a suit of shingles?

Now that's how you wear-roof!

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A guy walks into a bar

With both arms and a leg broken, a concussion and multiple wounds all over his body.
As he joins his friends at the table one of them asks:
-“Dude what happen to you?! You look terrible”
-“You’ll never believe it” he said. “See this broken leg? A bear did this!!”
“Wow, and your arms and head, what happened?”-another fr


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A man is processed for his first day in prison...

He's a nice man that made poor choices. Upon entering his cell, he's greeted by a massive, beast of a man with face tattoos and scars.

The beast-man looks his new cell mate up and down and finally says, "Let's play house. Do you want to be the Mommy or the Daddy?"

The new inmate adjusts his glasses and nervously replies, "Um. The Daddy?"


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A man decided he was sick of city life and moved to the country.

After getting situated, he decided he needed some animals on the farm. He searched the local ads and found a farmer willing to relinquish some livestock for a fee.

He promptly goes to the farmers home and begins his inquiry.

First is the chicken coop and he finds the most beautiful rooster. He tells the farmer he'd like to take the rooster off his hands, and farmer g


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Researchers say Bigfoot was finally discovered and captured on a mountain trail recently. Despite it's enormous size, it proved easy to capture due it's very low intelligence. The head researcher was shocked by just how fat and dumb it was. The beast will be held in captivity for a while.

In related news, your mom won't be returning from her hike anytime soon.

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Lumiere helped Belle fall in love with the Beast.

He was a real Candle Brah.

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My professor said she would give us extra credit if we wrote a joke that made her smile or laugh...mine made her cry.

There are 3 guys stranded on an island with a terrifying beast. The beast confronts them and says that he will eat each of them unless they can return with 10 of the same fruit and shove it up their butts without showing any emotion.

The first comes back with 10 strawberries. He shoves 6 up his butt, but then he starts crying. He showed emotion, so he was eaten by the beast.


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...horseplay!

* **owner:** ...Doctor my pony has the *trots*.

* **Doc:** ...I examined the beast and found that it has a sore throat.

* **owner:** ...Does it need to go to *horsepital*?

* **Doc:** ...No its' just a little *hoarse*.

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Original version of an old political joke.

Zog, Krunt, Oonda, and a boy of barely initiation age are huddled in a cave. Suddenly a saber tooth tiger appears outside.

There are only three spears.

Zog grabs a spear and proclaims “I am oldest hunter, I must have spear.” He runs out to fight the tiger.

Oonda gets up, and states “Since I am the smartest hunter in all the land, I will h


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I saw the rarest beast on the way home from work yesterday.

An Audi driver actually used his signal while changing lanes.

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A man was complaining about the lack of anal sex from his wife

so he went to a very old herbalist to help him resolve his issue, the herbalist said: " oh my dear boy your issue is marvelously challenging , but I will guide you; first , go to the east where you find an ancient forest, there you shall find an ancient neem tree that have a foul odor, pick up it's leaves; then, go up to the coldest place on this earth, there you will find an ice tree, p


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If the Beast got Febreeze for his lady's room...

...would that make him the Fresh Prince of Belle's Air?

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If the Beast got Febreeze for his lady's room...

...would that make him the Fresh Prince of Belle's Air?

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What did the mystical fire breathing beast say when he was really tired getting out of bed?

"Man, I'm really dragon this morning!"

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They're making a new Beauty and the Beast where the princess is brain damaged and everyone picks her up to do curls.

She is a dumb Belle

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Why did the fat girl refuse to play in "The beauty and the beast?"

Because she's stupid, too

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I earned my phone in a race

The cop was slow, but the owner was a real beast

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What did the beast like for breakfast?

Deviled eggs!

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I finally know the moral of the story "Beauty and the Beast"...

As long as you're rich and have a nice house, a girl will eventually fall for you.

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Naughty Limerick

There was once a man of great fame,


Who thought every beast he could tame.


But deep in his soul,


The man was a troll,


And that's how you just lost the game.

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At my prime I was A Beast.

Today I'm merely Obese.

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I asked my friend why he seemed so distracted after watching Beauty and the Beast...

He said he thought he left the Gaston.

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The Legend of the Monster of Thames

This is a great story from London dating a long time back. It's a little long, but I promise you, if you read it, you will thoroughly enjoy it.

By the 15th century, the Templar Knights had disappeared, but deep in the bowels of the British Museum in a case well sealed and protected lies a strange memorial to their impact on the city of London.

London of the early 1


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They say you are what you eat..

But I don't think that's true, 'cause I don't remember ever eating a sexy beast

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Belle asks Beast for his number. He gives it to her on a slip of paper.

It reads, "666"

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I'm currently making a movie that will depict the Beast embracing his more feminine side while struggling to support Belle in her menopausal mood swings.

[deleted]

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What does the number 668 represent?

The *neighbor* of the Beast.

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Land of the Loons

Once upon a time, in a land not so very far away, there lived a village of people. Funny little people called Loons.

The Loons were a peaceful people, a simple people, with a very simple diet. The Loons could eat but one thing, and loved that one thing: Pure cane sugar. Because of this, sugar was very precious to the Loons.

These happy people weren't without their


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A Warrior Cuts off the head of a Hydra formed by fusing 8 mythical beast,

and 2 heads Grows in it place,

he cuts those off and 4 grows,

he cuts those off and 8 grows,

he cuts those off and 16 grows,

he cuts those off and 32 grows,

he cuts those off and 64 grows,

he cuts those off and 128 grows,

he cuts those off and the Hydra Dies because the Hydra was made of 8 bits.


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Animal Jokes

A lion comes across two 
men, one reading and the other 
writing. The beast pounces on and devours the reader but ignores the writer. Why? Because, as everyone knows, a writer cramps while a reader digests.

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""A lion comes across two men!!!""

A lion comes across two men, one reading and the other writing. The beast pounces on and devours the reader but ignores the writer. Why? Because, as everyone knows, a writer cramps while a reader digests.

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