Beam

Jokes

Which type of beam attracts angles?

A Protractor Beam

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Ray Liotta

Out of all the laiota brothers; beam, glare, and shimmer ray is still my favorite

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

When should a driver use the bright beam?

When he/she wants to be an asshole

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

What do you call the magical beam that gives people karma?

The legendary cakeray.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Did you hear the Jim Beam warehouse was destroyed in a fire?

It burned all the way down

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

There were 2 guys locked in a lunatic asylum, one night they decided they didn't like that very much.

They decided to escape. They make it up to the roof and just across this narrow gap they see a rooftop stretching across town, stretching to freedom. Now the first guy he jumps right across, no problem, but his friend? Oh no, he's afraid of falling. So the first guy, he has an idea, he says "hey! I got this flashlight with me. I'll shine it across the gap between the buildings and y


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

So my mom decided to sell her house, but shed always promised shed get the boulder out of her front yard.

It was an eyesore, but she couldn’t handle it herself. I was still in college, so on a long weekend, I loaded all the guys I could in my car, drove the 11 hours home. We borrowed a truck, backed it right up, and tried to lift it. We couldn’t move it.

So I called in all the old high school friends I could reach. It still wouldn’t budge.

So we get scientif


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Did you know?

Did you know?
Using laser beam machining, we can drill holes of diameter 0.005mm

Finally we know how to make a hole for size of your penis.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

What is it called when you lick a flashlight beam?

A light snack.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

The great escape

Two mentally challenged people wanted to escape from the hospital they were admitted. At night they met up to the roof so they could discuss their plan.

"I will light up the torch towards the next building and you will grab the light beam and cross over to it." Said the first patient.

"What the f!@# are you saying? Are you crazy? What if the torch malfuncti


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

I walk into the barber shop and Scotty ask what Ill be having

Beam me up Scotty

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Why is a laser beam like a goldfish?

Because neither one can whistle.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Brian wanted to be a miner ever since he was little

So one day when he hit that magical age of 21 he packed up all of his things and left his parents house. Too the grievance of his mother he moved a few states over. To a little mining village that like in the old days completely depended on their local gold mine. For some reason unlike all the other mining towns this one had survived the goldrush.

On his first day there he went into t


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

What did one beam of light say to the other just before they slammed into each other?

“Dude, you can totally crash on my photon.”

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

I get to my car one day to find a steel beam sticking out of my windshield.

That’s the last time I ask Joss Whedon to wash my car.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

There were two guys locked in a lunatic asylum

One night they decided they didn’t like that anymore. They decided to escape. Just across a narrow gap, is a stretch of rooftops, stretching to freedom.

The first guy, he jumps across no problem, but his friend? He’s afraid of falling.

So the first guy, he has an idea! He says “Hey! I got this flashlight, I’ll shine it across the beam and you can


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

If theres a Scottish man out there with a magical smile that cheers up anyone he encounters....

Then beam me up Scotty!

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Ever cum so hard a coworker finds your naked lifeless corpse swinging from a support beam in the janitors closet?

Yeah, me too man.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

A guy walks into a bar in a small Scottish town...

He sees an old dude sitting by himself, grumbling over a glass of whiskey. There's no other free chairs, so he sits down across from the old man.

"What's got you so down, buddy?" the man asks the grumpy old Scotsman.

"You see that wall along the road coming into town? I built that wall with me own two hands, stone by stone! Nearly a mile long it i


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

I was nervous about opening the results of my HIV test so I attached the paper to a boomerang and threw it through an electron beam...

The test came back negative!

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

A drunk goes in a bar and asks for a shot of Jim Beam.

The bartender pours it and the drunk pushes it aside and asks for another shot of Jim Beam. The bartender pours it and the drunk drinks it. The bartender says, "I watched what you did and I don't understand why you pushed the first one away and drank the second one!" The drunk stated," I've been going to those AA Meetings, and they said WHATEVER YOU DO, DON'T TAKE THA


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

An Italian man, a Mexican man and an American man are all sitting on a steel beam a couple hundred feet in the air.

Working as construction workers they all pull out thier lunches one at a time and the italian man is first to react:

"Damn. Spaghetti and meatballs again. I swear, if my wife makes spaghetti and meatballs for me one more time I'm going to jump off this beam to my death."

The Mexican is the next to react

"Damn. Tacos again. I swear, if i ge


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Whats the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean?

I’ve never had a garbanzo beam on my chest.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Two assylum bound men try to escape.

They are in the courtyard when they spot a ladder. They grab the ladder and run back to their rooms. There is a window in the ceiling of their room. They break the window with the ladder and climb up. They see that there's no way to get down from the roof of the assylum, but the building next to it has a door on top.

"We have to jump across" one of the guys says. He pro


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

3 guys stand next to each other on top of the Empire State Building

The sky breaks open and a beam of sunlight starts shining on the guy on the left. He looks up and screams: “I feel your divine Energie” and starts walking through the air all around the top of the building.
The other to guys are amazed by this.
The clouds move and the sunlight hits the next guy. He too feels the Energie of good and starts walking through the air all the w


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

A man was put in a mental hospital

His incessant protest that he was not mentally ill annoyed the worker. The worker decided to give him a chance to prove himself. He brought out a torch and turned it on, a beam of light shined across the room.

"If you can walk on the beam of light, i will declare you as mentally stable and let you out. Would you do it?" The worker asked the man.

"What? Of c


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Jack Daniels, George Dickel, Johnnie Walker and Jim Beam are at a bar.

They get drunk.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Two guys locked in a lunatic asylum.

Joker: See there were two guys locked in a lunatic asylum. And one night, one night they decided they didn't like that anymore. They decided to escape.
So they made it up to the roof and there, just across the narrow gap, they see rooftops, stretching across the town, stretching to freedom.
Now, the first guy he jumps right across, no problem.
But his friend, no way, he'


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

2 guys locked in a lunatic asylum.

See, there were 2 guys locked in a lunatic asylum. One night, they decided to escape. They made it up to the rooftop, across this narrow gap, they see rooftops. Stretching out into freedom.

The first guy, he jumps across no problem. But his friend, nope, afraid of falling. First guy thinks of an idea, he says "hey, i got this flashlight with me, I'll shine it across the gap


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

(Engineering joke) A beam walks into a bar

The bartender asks "what do you want?"
The beam replies "give me a moment"

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Dont beam me up Scotty.

[deleted]

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

A pig named lucky.

A news show was doing a report on a local old farmer who had a pig named lucky. Lucky had 4 peg legs.

Reporter: So, can you tell us the story of Lucky? How did he get his name?

Farmer: Well one night, I awoke to the sound of my animals crying, and my barn was on fire. I quickly ran outside to let the animals out before it was too late. While I was in the barn, after letti


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

I could win an Olympic gold medal

If the women's gymnastic balance beam was a male competition too, I could win the gold medal. I've been mastering a 4 inch wood beam since I was a little kid

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

The Killing Joke

There were two guys locked up in an insane asylum together. One night, they decide that they hate it there, and they want to escape. So, they make it onto the roof top, and just across a narrow gap, they see rooftops of the town, stretching into moonlight, into freedom.

The first guy jumps across right away, without a problem. But the second guy didn't, because he was afraid of f


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Looking for a spot

So this guy, Seamus, is driving around a parking lot, looking for a spot so he can run in and use the bathroom. After a good fifteen minutes of searching, he's frustrated and desperate, and decides to seek help from a higher power.

"Dear Lord," he says, "If you help me find a parking spot, I'll start going to church and I'll stop drinking. I'll even


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Johnnie Walker, Jack Daniels and Jim Beam walk into a bar

What is this, said the bartender, Alcoholics Eponymous?

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

How did the steel beam and the jet fuel fall in love?

It all started when the steel beam walked up to the jet fuel and said "you melt my heart"

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Beam me up Scottie!

I'm not sure how to work this thing. I have nothing interesting to start with. Maybe a funny joke...Knock Knock!............must have been the wind.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

This pig with the wooden leg . . .

A guy visits his friend, who is a farmer, and sees him sitting on the front porch, chewing a strand of wheat and petting a pig with a wooden leg. They get to talking, and the friend asks the farmer about the pig's leg.
'it's the craziest thing', say the farmer. 'There was this fire a few weeks back, in the old barn next to the house. I was lost in the smoke, searchin


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Three High-rise construction workers sit down on a beam to eat their sack lunches...

The first one ,Bob, opens his sack lunch and comments out loud, "tuna again!, I swear, if I get tuna one more time I'm jumping off this beam!", he then angrily eats his lunch.
The second worker, Jon, opens his lunch and declares, "peanut butter and jelly again! I swear I too will jump off this beam if I get this again tomorrow", he too eats his lunch.
The third


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

What did the beam say to the roof?

[deleted]

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Two Psychos escaped from Asylum

Two Psychos, after spending a VERY, VERY long time in Asylum finally decide they don't want to be there anymore. So, to escape, they end up tunneling through the walls and running a good distance. They are finally at a point where there is a wide gap that is separating them from freedom.

The first Psycho jumps across and makes it. He turns around only to find out that his partne


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

There were these two guys in a lunatic asylum

See, there were these two guys in a lunatic asylum...and one night, one night they decide they don't like living in an asylum any more. They decide they're going to escape! So, like, they get up onto the roof and there, just across this narrow gap, they see the rooftops of the town, stretching away in the moonlight...stretching away to freedom. Now, the first guy, he jumps right across w


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Two guys in an asylum decide one night they're sick of living there, and decide to escape. They make their way to the roof, and just across this tiny gap are the rooftops of the town, glowing in the moon light. Freedom The first guy jumps right across but his pal didn't dare for fear of falling.

However, the first guy has an idea...
He says "Hey! I got my flashlight! I'll shine it across the gap between the buildings. You can walk along the beam and join me!"

The second guy just shakes his head and says: "Wh-what do you think I am? Crazy? You'd turn off the light when I was halfway across!"


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

A couple of drunks walk out of a bar...

One says to the other, "I bet you a hundred bucks if I shine this flashlight up into the sky you can't climb up the beam of light." The other one says "No way, I know you. When I'm halfway up you'll shut the fucking thing off."

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Maximilian Steel threatened to destroy the world...

Maximilian Steel was a space-criminal, one of the biggest scumbags in Andromeda-9 since the arrest of the notorious gangster Forty-Eyes. Steel was known for holding up large transportation shuttles and demanding ransom. It was no surprise that after years of dodging the Intergalactic Police Force, Steel managed to develop a hefty amount of money.

On July 4, 3055, Steel revealed a mass


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

One of my dad's favorites on father's day! Two Polish men...

Two Polish men were walking through a field one night.

The first one turns on a flashlight and says to his friend "I will give you ten zlotys if you climb to the top of this flashlight beam."

The second replies, "I am not an idiot! As soon as I reach the top of the beam, you will just turn the light off!"


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

What emits a monochromatic beam of salty snack food?

Frito Layser.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Two Lunatics Escape The Asylum.

there were these two guys in a lunatic asylum and one night they decide they don't like living in an asylum any more. They decide they're going to escape! So, they get up onto the roof, and there, just across this narrow gap, they see the rooftops of the town, stretching away in the moon light... stretching away to freedom. Now, the first guy, he jumps right across with no problem. But


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

This alien spaceship comes to earth and uses a beam to suck in an entire neighborhood and take it away. Then somebody says, "there goes the neighborhood."

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE
LOAD MORE