Base

Jokes

The Writer and the Sherpa

One day, a writer was traversing the Himalayas along with a Sherpa who was an author as well. The Sherpa's books were mostly horrible.

They stopped for a moment at base camp and began to talk.

"Teach me how to climb", the writer said, "and in return, I'll tell you how to write a great autobiography." "Alright, I will." the Sherpa re


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An oldie

A sailor goes to see the doctor on base, who tells him his penis would have to be amputated

He decides to get a second opinion and sees a doctor off base, who tells him his penis would have to be amputated.

Out of desperation the sailor goes to see a doctor in Chinatown. The doctor examines him and says American doctor. All they think of is snip, snip, snip.


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Why couldnt T-Rex get to second base?

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What's the difference between an Al Qaeda base and a Pakistan school?

I don't know man, I just fly the drone

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When Elvis was at the US base in Germany serving in the military, he spent a lot of time with the army vehicles, pretending to shoot and run people over...

and saying "Tank you, Tank you very much."

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So, I'm on base when my sergeant calls me into his office.

He hands me the keys to his SUV and says "Look, I know it's not a new vehicle, but they recently stopped making this model. It's important to me that it not get damaged. I need you to take it and get it washed off-base." I'm taking the duty really seriously, but when I drive by the woods I see this beautiful heard of deer. I pull over to the side and look, and I'm


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We should make a base by area 51 that is 5 miles long and 10.2 miles wide.

We will call it Area 51.

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In one far away planet...

There is a substance called ‘nue’. Once something falls in it, it can’t get out and will sink and suffocate. There was once a woman who owned a cat, and one day she insulted someone- but she didn’t know they were a super villain. So, the villain, being a villain, took her to his secret base, stole her cat and threw it in nue. As the girl screamed, the villain laughed and sa


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General Johnsons Humvee needed service so he sent it to the base motor pool.

After a week went by, he telephoned the motor pool to ask it’s status.

Mechanic: Base Motor Pool...
Gen Johnson: Yes. Is Gen. Johnson’s Humvee ready?
Mechanic: You mean fat ass Johnson!
Gen Johnson: Boy! Do you know who the hell you’re talking to???
Mechanic: Nope...
Gen Johnson: This is General Johnson!!!
Mechanic: Well do


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A commander is stationed at a military base

The commander told a soldier to check their position on the map.

Solder: "Sir! We're under a tack!"

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I don't think log base 3 is possible...

The log is always the base of the tree

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A soldier looks at the sky and suddenly yells: "we gotta act fast, it's about to neutralize our base!". His commanding officer says: "What the hell are you talking about, we ain't even at war!?"

The soldier replies: "Acid rain".

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...sht post!

...housewife searching on the internet buys cat scratching device to stop her five cats from damaging furniture, carpets, wallpaper, curtains you name it!

...reading this advert As cats often scratch after a period of sleep it may be useful to place a post near a favourite bed. The type of scratching product chosen should include upright posts that are tall enough to allow the cat to


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There are 10 kinds of people in this world...

Those who understand binary, those who don’t understand binary, and those who want an answer in base 3.

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...car pet scratching!

...housewife searching on the internet buys cat scratching device to stop her five cats from damaging furniture, carpets, wallpaper, curtains you name it!

...reading this advert *As cats often scratch after a period of sleep it may be useful to place a post near a favourite bed. The type of scratching product chosen should include upright posts that are tall enough to allow the cat


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NSFW NSFL A guy and a girl are making out and it's getting hot and heavy...

A guy and a girl are making out and it's getting hot and heavy...
It's going so well that the guy thinks to himself, "I'm going to skip second base and go straight to third base". He confidently reaches down and the girl stops him. She says, "That is awfully presumptuous of you!" He says, " Presumptuous... That's a really big word for an eight yea


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Why is baseball not a proper sport?

Because it's not invariant under base change.

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There are 10 types of people...

People who have no idea where this is going

People who think this is a binary joke

And people who get that this joke is actually in base-3.

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NaClNaOH

The base is under a salt.

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You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51?"

Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room. The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background


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Why is the Republican Party thinking about moving their convention to St. Petersburg, Russia?

They want to get closer to their voting base.

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There are 10 kinds of people in the world

\- Those who thought this was a base 2 joke
\- Those who thought this was a base 3 joke
\- Those who thought this was a base 4 joke
\- Those who thought this was a base 5 joke
\- Those who thought this was a base 6 joke
\- Those who thought this was a base 7 joke
\- Those who were correct because octal rules.


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I'm opening a bar called "The 13th Step..."

Our customer base will be former A.A. members. Our slogan will be "Anonymous No More" and your discount will be based on the number of years you were "dry" as proven by your A.A. chip.

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A general awaits information about his recently deployed troops...

A general awaits information about his recently troops. One of the colonels enters his office in a panic.

​

"Sir, sir!" he says, "Company B is taking heavy fire!".

​

The general is stunned, as to his knowledge, none of the troops have even set foot off base yet.

​


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What military base still used dial up?

Cheyenne Mountain Complex.

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Did you ever hear the one about the stuttering DJ?

He really liked to "D-D-DDDD-DROP THE BASE"

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Beware: This was a Joke I made when I was a Little Kid

Why can't you build an acidic tower?

​

It would have no base.

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D.B Weiss amp Benioff are the perfect directors for Star Wars

They know exactly how to piss off an entire fan base

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If humans acted like cats, Hiroshima and Nagasaki would have spared.

Because seconds before dropping the bomb, the pilot would have called base :

"We abort mission, i repeat, we abort mission ! I need a quick shower right now !"

​

(edit : would have BEEN spared)

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1960s Batman Phase (Original Joke Fight Me Reposters)

A director wanted to make a movie about Batman, but sadly D.C. wouldn't allow him to film it. So he decided he will just make the movie but instead of using the character's real names he would just take away the last letter of their names. Batman became Batma and he fought crime with his trusty partners Alfre and Robi. The film then showed the dynamic duo and their butler fighting crime


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You guys ever see the barcode at the base of a condom?

No? Guess you don’t need to unroll it that far

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Trump supporters are weird

The more acidic he is, the larger his base grows.

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How did Ace of Base make water and salt?

They went on tour with Ace of Acid.

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I once got to second base in Ireland

I'd have gone farther, but it turns out the Blarney Stone has some pretty good security

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I made the world's largest pizza base the other day.

I'd like to see someone top that!

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Whats something you dont hear base jumpers say?

“Damnit, every fucking time!”

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A Navy Chief rolls onto base and sees two marines, one is digging a hole and the other marine is filling in a hole behind him.

A Navy Chief rolls onto base and sees two marines, one is digging a hole and the other marine is filling in a hole behind him. He doesn’t think much of it until lunch when he goes for a walk and sees the two still at and a whole line of freshly dug and filled in holes. He walks up to them.

Chief: Boys you must have fucked up big time for them to have you out here digging holes.


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I'm not native speaker, how would you rate this ?

A student is taking the chemistry class. The subject is acids and bases. An another student can't figure out whether NH3 is an acid or a base. The student tells him "Oh, it's so basic! How can't you know that ?"


Or should I say, is it a proper joke ?

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All the kids on the block were playing baseball.

One of them suggested they go ask Jimmy to play. They walk to Jimmy’s house and knock on the door.
“Hello boys, what can I do for you?” Jimmy’s mom said as she opened the door.
“We just wanted to see if Jimmy wanted to play some baseball.” One of the boys responded.
“Oh, aren’t you aware Jimmy doesn’t have any arms or legs


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The Greatest Practical Joke of All Time

After years and years of getting such a huge fan base; George R.R. Martin decides to kill everyone off at the end of Game of Thrones.

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Why did the military use acid?

To neutralize the enemy base.

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Mrs. Jones, can Tommy come out and play?

Now Billy you know Tommy doesn’t have arm or legs.

I know. We want to use him as second base.

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What do you call a loud military base?

A FORTissimmo

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James is suffering from severe headaches. Long

For as long as he can remember, he's had debilitating headaches that have hampered his life in every way. He finally seeks medical help. After some tests, the doctor returns:

"James, I don't know quite how to say this. It seems your testicles are pressing against the base of your spine, pinching a nerve and this is the direct cause of your pain. I'm afraid the


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A woman joins the army....

A woman was walking through a store when she noticed a colorful flyer pinned to a billboard. It reads:

JOIN THE ARMY NOW! You will receive benefits such as:
• Free college education
• Many veteran benefits
• Experience in many fields of work
• Travel
• Any free car after a special base trial
The woman took the flyer home


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Sheldon: Is the input to this problem in base 10 ?

Teacher: You are in fifth grade Sheldon, why are you even asking this?

Sheldon: Well I want to cover all my bases !

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My friends and I started a band. A conceptual band made of only violins, cello, and a stand up base.

String Theory

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Popcorn truck crashed on base

Killed two colonels.
.
.
.
.
.
.

(Colonel is pronounced kernal)

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Sheldon: Is the input to this problem in base 10 ?

Teacher: You are in fifth grade Sheldon, why are you even asking this?

Sheldon: Well, I want to cover all my bases.

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Sheldon: Is the input to this program in base 10?

Teacher: You are in second grade Sheldon, why are you even asking this?

Sheldon: Well, I want to cover all my bases.

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