Bare

Jokes

My dating profile says Im an adrenaline junky who laughs in the face of danger and my hobbies include walking on thousands of blades bare footed for fun. I just love the way the blades tickle my feet and there is no way Im going to be stopped

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I was at a bar with an Irish man named Patrick...

After we've had a few drinks Patric
k starts opening up and talking to me

Patrick: Ay lad, ya know people 'round here don't think of me too well

Me: Why's that

He moves to another train of thought

Patrick: Lad, ya see that farm o'er yonder

Me: yes...

Patrick: I built that farm with me bare


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A man walks into a bar.



The only other person at the bar is an older man. After a few moments of silence the man turns and says:

"You see this bar? I built this bar with my own bare hands. I cut down every tree and made the lumber myself. I toiled away through the wind and cold, but do they call me McGreggor the bar builder? No."

He continued "Do you see that


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I fought a lion with my bare fists!

I fought a lion with my bare fists


__and that's what you call bold__

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I fought a lion with my bare fists!

**and that's a bold statement**

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My dad walks outside in subzero temperatures wearing a t-shirt

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Why was the cub shy after taking his shirt off at the pool?

He was a little bare

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What do you call a shaved bear cub?

A little bare.

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The polar bear sleeps in his little bear skin he sleeps very well, I am told.

Last night I slept in my little bare skin, and I got a heck of a cold!

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A toy bear wants to take grilled chicken out of the oven

Bear 1: I’ll do it with my bear hands!
Bear 2: No , you need oven gloves. You can’t do it with your bare hands!
Bear 1: yes, I’ll do it with oven gloves and my bear hands!

Hi folks, please let me know if this is funny or not funny at all😂

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Whats the difference between a slacker and a stripper?

One is barely presentable, the other is presentably bare.

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Why did Sherlock Holmes smear lemon curd on Dr Watsons bare bottom?

It’s lemon entry my dear Watson.

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Bill, Jim Bob, and Ol' Gus

Bill, Jim Bob, and Ol' Gus are sitting around the camp fire one night drinking and swapping stories of their manliness.

Bill says "One time I was out hunting a cougar. Tracked her for miles and came up on a cave. I figured it must be her den so I peeked inside. Saw her cubs but she weren't there. Suddenly the opening to the cave darkened and I saw her silhouetted agains


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Tony went bold when he was just 10 years old, and none of the girls he liked would date him because of his baldness.

So one day tony decided to buy a wig, and as soon as he started wearing it, he started to attract women again. He married his girlfriend susie, but never told her about his baldness, and every night he would wait for her to fall asleep before taking his wig off. One night, susie’s hand landed on tony’s bare head, she immediately took it off and screamed “ TONY GET YOUR ASS OFF TH


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Why do sharks, unlike other fishes, have bare skin?

Because they're out of scale.

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Travelling around Australia and seeing all the wildlife is good and all

But after a while you see about as much koala as you can bare

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My mom is making me wear a jacket is this legal?

After all, I do have the right bare arms.

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I once saw a skinned Grizzly

The bare bear was barely bearable.

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What do gun owners and people who wear tank tops have in common?

They both have the right to bare arms.

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TIFU by giving a stripper my credit card info

All she did was stripper my bank account bare.

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It takes 66 pounds of torque to break a human neck, and it's easy enough to do with your bare hands.

That's why most people use a gun to kill others

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An Irishman at the bar.

A backpacker is traveling through Ireland when it starts to rain. He decides to wait out the storm in a nearby pub. The only other person at the bar is an older man staring at his drink. After a few moments of silence the man turns to the backpacker and says in a thick Irish accent:

"You see this bar? I built this bar with my own bare hands. I cut down every tree and made the lum


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An overachiever, regular person, and a person who does the bare minimum walk into a bar.

Or rather, the overachiever walks under the bar, the regular guy walks into the bar, and the slacker trips on the bar.

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A man walked into a pub...

He asked for a beer and sat down to drink. A minute later, a man came and sat next to him and introduced himself as Jerry. Jerry asked the man if he wanted to hear a story. The man nodded in reply. ‘I built this pub’, Jerry started, ‘with my bare hands, wood and nails, but do they call me Jerry the pub builder? No. You see that pier that people are fishing on?‘ The man nodd


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What do you call an empty bear trap?

A bare bear trap.

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I'm not a road builder

Guy #1: You see that house over there? I built that house with me bare hands. Do they call me a house builder? No!

Guy #2: Okay

Guy #1: You see that bridge over there? I built that bridge with me bare hands. Do they call me a bridge builder? No!

Guy #2: Sure

Guy #1: You see that road over there? I built that road with me bare hands. Do they call


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A man called Dave de Bare and his wife called Amanda De Bare go on a walk in a forest.

They notice the woods thickening and decide to venture deeper. Soon they reach a small clearing and Amanda decides to explore the clearing.

While she looks around the clearing Dave notices a wild creature which is approaching him so, naturally, Dave runs away. His wife hears him scream but doesn't know where he is.

Eventually sees a bear chasing her beloved husband


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Do you know why I hate Bare Grills?

It means I have nothing for dinner!

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What's the difference between sharing your food with someone you like, and stealing food from someone you don't?

One is a spare bite, and the other is bare spite.

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My 4 year old son just got me with a dad joke I hadn't heard before.

My son was playing with his teenage mutant ninja turtle action figures, and was making them fight each other.

Me: "Where are their weapons? Are they just fighting with their bare hands?"

Son: "No, they are fighting with their turtle hands."

Doesn't have a clue why I was laughing so hard.


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Back when I was in the army, I killed a whole squadron of soldiers with my bare hands.

I probably should have worn gloves while cooking.

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What do nudists pack for vacation?

Just the bare necessities.

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What do nudists pack for vacation?

Just the bare necessities.

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I just saw a man repair his monocle with his bare hands.

It was a spectacle to behold.

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A pessimist and an optimist



There once were twin boys, age six, that had developed extreme personalities. One was a pessimist and the other a total optimist. Concerned, their parents took them to a psychiatrist.

First, the psychiatrist treated the pessimist. Trying to brighten his outlook, the psychiatrist took him to a room filled with toys. But instead of yelping with delight, the little boy bur


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A pessimist and an optimist



There once were twin boys, age six, that had developed extreme personalities. One was a pessimist and the other a total optimist. Concerned, their parents took them to a psychiatrist.

First, the psychiatrist treated the pessimist. Trying to brighten his outlook, the psychiatrist took him to a room filled with toys. But instead of yelping with delight, the little boy bur


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2 Irish strangers sitting at the bar....

After a beer one Irish man points out the window to the other and says, "you see that bridge laddy? I BUILT that BRIDGE with me bare hands! But do they call me McGregor the BRIDGE BUILDER? No..

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After 2 beers the Irish man points out the window again and says, "you see that house laddy?? I BUILT that HOUSE with me bare hands! But do they call me


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Why was 6 afraid of 7?

Because 7 killed his own mother with his bare hands.

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Ive heard that girls really like a guy who shows off his bare forearms

Unfortunately, I’m having to make do with my two human arms.

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Paddy Englishman, Paddy Irishman and Paddy Scotsman

Paddy Englishman Paddy Irishman and Paddy Scotsman were walking in a park together one day when all of a sudden the devil himself appeared before them.
I am going to kill each of you one by one unless you can bring something to me that I cannot melt with my bare hands. You have one hour he shouted. So the three men rushed off to find something which the devil could not melt with his bare han


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An unfortunate Scot

You walk into a bar and sit down next to an older, Scottish man. You order a beer, and before long he turns to you and starts chatting.

[Pointing out the window] Ye see that house over there? Built it with me bare hands, took me five years, but they don’t call me MacGregor the House Builder now, do they?

[Pointing out the window] Ye see that bridge over there? Bu


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A Prostitute Walks Into a Bar

A prostitute walks into a bar. She spots a koala bear sitting at the end of the bar. After a little small-talk and flirting, the koala bear goes home with her. They frolic all night long. The next morning, the koala gets up and wanders towards the door.

"HEY! Where are you going?" yells the prostitute. "I haven`t been paid!"
Realizing that he is a koala bea


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An executive goes out of town for a conference and meets a stunningly beautiful woman who invites him to back to her room.

They start fooling around but much to his dismay, he fails to raise to the occasion.
No amount of stimulation from her would get him to bulge.

Embarrassed to no end, he beats a hasty retreat after apologizing profusely to the lady.

A few days later, he gets home only to be greeted by his wife wearing a bare thread stained robe, a green face mask, and hair rollers


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I told a guy he should rip the sleeves off his second amendment sweatshirt...

Exercise his right to bare arms.

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I ripped the sleeves off my second amendment t-shirt

Exercise my right to bare arms.

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Spring

Winter can be pretty dreary with all the bare trees,
so when spring comes it's such a re-leaf.

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"Oh! You got the grills removed? Now you can call it Bare Grills!

"Man! That's Wild!

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My girlfriend said I'm nothing but a bare-faced liar

So I've grown a beard.

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Successful people only sleep on bare mattresses...

...because after all that hard work you don't want to sheet the bed.

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Why are there no Canadian terrorists?

Because if you die a martyr the only thing waiting for you in heaven is The Bare Naked Ladies.

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