Baffled

Jokes

A man walks into a ice cream shop and asks if they have carrot ice cream.

The worker is baffled by the question and says no. He walks in the next day and asks if they have carrot ice cream, again the worker replies no. The shop owner decides that if he wants carrot ice cream so bad they should make some. The man walks in the next day and asks, "Do you have carrot ice cream?" The worker happily replies yes. "That's fucking gross." says the man an


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

A man and his two friends are out in the desert.

A man and his two friends are out in the desert. They had been planning this for a while so they all made sure they brought something to help them cool off. The first guy brought a water bottle so he could pour the water over himself to cool down. They all thought this a was a smart idea. The second guy brought a portable fan that doesn’t rely on an outlet. They all agree that that is a smar


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

A broke and depressed guy is looking for a job.

He finds an ad in the paper that says "If you want to succeed be at X address June 15th 12 PM". The guy gets a glimpse of hope that he might actually shift his life around so he decides to go.

​

Day comes and sure thing he is at that specific address at the requested time but discovers only an unfinished office building. He goes in, elevator tape


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

All about the delivery

'Why did the chicken cross the road...To get to the ugly persons house'

Person looks baffled whilst you have a giggle...

'You don't get it?! Never mind, anyway I've got another...knock knock'

Who's there?

Chicken...

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

I once met an anti vaxxer that said she had a 3d model of her brain

I was baffled at how something so small could exist

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

My friend got into an heated argument with a midget...

.... He asked the midget what's your height. Baffled by the question midget replied 4'5 with a pause. To this my friend answered that's the size of my d**k.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Sometimes when I'm baffled I say, "I have no words"

But the dictionary does

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Scientists were baffled when they learned that any large gang of meleagris would inevitably learn how to open any locked door presented to them.

Mass turkey.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Man goes to hell

He opens the gate and There are 100 naked women's and only 2 dudes.. Man gets baffled and asks is this really hell.? Yes first guy says.. How its possible..?, its better than heaven.!

Second guy. - Well.! all the womens are lesbians and we are gay.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

After sending numerous tweets how about America is going to destroy North Korea and not getting a single reply from the Supreme Leader, White House announced that Trump has won the tweeting war and soon North Korea will back down from their frenzied nuclear program.

But soon after this statement, Kim sent him a coded message that read, "370HSSV-0773H."

Trump was baffled, so he forwarded to Mike. He and his aides had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI. No-one could solve it at the FBI, so it went to the CIA, then to the NSA. With no clue as to its meaning, the FBI finally asked Marine Corps Intelligence for help. Within a few sec


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Woody walks in on Little Bo Peep and Buzz Light year in the bedroom...

Woody, baffled, says "What is going on here??"

Bo Peep Replies: "You've got a friend in me?"

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

A man was walking through the woods

When he saw a large white blob ahead of him. He continued to walk close enough for him to see it. All he could tell even still is that it was a large white blob.

He said aloud “This sure is strange” and the blob turned to face him. It was a large floating eyeball. The eye said to him “Hello! We don’t get many humans around here.”

The man wh


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Peter was hiking through the forest

when he came to a large hole. He threw in a small stone but didn’t hear it land. Confused, he picked up a larger rock, but still no thud. Thoroughly bewildered, he dragged over a large rock and heaved it into the hole. Still nothing.

He decided he needed to figure this out. Dragging over a massive log, he rolled it down the hole. Although he still didn’t hear the sound of


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

A British man walks into a French bar...

He sits down, exasperated and says "Scotch".

The barman looks baffled for a second but nonetheless complies with the request.

The man then, equally as baffled, asks "Why did you give me sellotape?"

(This one is for my French Redditors).

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

A super-villain walks into a bar.

The bartender says “we don’t serve your kind here”
The super-villain is baffled by this and asks “why not?”
And the bartender says “ because you never turn the super bill in

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Have you heard of the 6th Hole?

Have you heard of the legendary 6th hole? According to legend, roughly 10% of the world's population is believed to possess the rare evolutionary mutation known as the "Sixth Hole," a supernatural gift which allows those bearing it the ability to have sex with ghosts.

The international scientific community is baffled, but 1/10 Doctors recommend it


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

There was a king he had 10 wild dogs.

He used them to torture and eat all ministers who made mistakes.

So one of the minister’s once gave an opinion which was wrong, and which the king didn’t like at all. So he ordered that the minister to be thrown to the dogs.

So the minister said,
"I served you 10 years and you do this..?

Please give me 10 days before you throw me in wi


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

My wife was baffled. "Why on earth are you boxing against our son??"

"So I can teach him how to count to 10," I replied.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker are having Christmas together...

On Christmas morning when Luke and his father are exchanging gifts. Vader says to Luke “I know what you got me.” Baffled, Luke asks, “how?”
Vader then says,
“I have felt your presents.”

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Two men are stranded on an island

One day one of them smells bacon. He tells the other it must be a bacon tree.

The second man tells him no such thing exists, so the first man goes on a journey to find it and prove him wrong.

Days later, he arrives back to the same spot on the island bruised, with an arrow in his chest, bullet wounds, and is just completely battered.

The second man is baff


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Hitler steps through a time machine

Five scientists are standing around a time machine when Hitler steps through.

Hitler turns to them and says "We are going to kill one million Jews and two clowns."

The scientists are baffled by this and ask Hitler "Why the two clowns?"

Hitler responds back "Exactly! Nobody cares about the Jews."


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Scientists are baffled by cat remains on Mars..

You can guess who killed them.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

So a man goes fishing...

He has been working hard all week and finally gets a chance to go out and relax on the lake.

He spends all afternoon out there and he manages to catch a dozen fish or so. He calls it a day and heads back to shore to gut and clean the fish.

The man finishes cleaning his last fish and begins to head back to his home.

Passing a bridge, the man sees lights fla


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

My urine sample baffled the doctor


It was the piss that surpasseth all understanding

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

New Barbies

Mattel announced record 2nd quarter earnings after a huge boost in sales from Barbie’s that look more like “real” woman…….

In other news, investors are baffled as shares in Plastiff, Inc. have skyrocketed. The Montana based company, who manufactures tiny plastic double chins.


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Marine biologists were baffled by why Jaws would always swim away after chomping off swimmers' legs.

Turns out he's lack toes intolerant.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Cheap as chips

The other evening I was trying to nap before my night shift. My girlfriend walked in my room started kissing one thing led to another and she started begging for sex. I said I'm really tired and just want to nap. She offered to buy me chips. Baffled I asked if she thinks I'm as cheap as chips.

That was the end of our relationship.


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

A blind man and his guide dog walk into a shop

He grabs the dog by the tail and starts swinging it around his head.

The shop assistant, baffled, approaches the man and asks if everything's ok.

"Fine", replies the blind man.
"I'm just looking around".

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

I couldn't figure out why my car exhaust was so quiet...

It left me baffled!

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Sam Smith wants a Ferrari tattoo....

Sam Smith went to a tattoo shop and asked for a Ferrari to be tatooed on his dick.

Tatoo artist looks at him and tells him he could tatoo two tractors on his balls as well. Sam is baffled and asks : Why?

Guy answers : Well, if your Ferrari falls into a shit hole you want to have something to pull it out with!

:)


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Im always baffled when someone in Africa dies..

[deleted]

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

I was clearing out my loft today when I found a catalogued list of paedophiles

Naturally I was baffled to find such a thing in my loft, so I did a double take, and realised it was a TV guide from 1973.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Disturbing Pattern of Suicides

When some scientists plotted the number of suicides per year, they discovered a curious pattern. Every four years, there would be a spike in the number.

This baffled them, until the old janitor said: "Perhaps it was not a good idea to call them leap years."

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

A woman goes to the doctor... NSFW

A woman goes to the doctor and says "By Hubbanb li nadal deck."
The doctor is baffled and says, "I'm sorry, I can't understand you at all."
The patient takes a deep breath and tries to speak a bit more clearly: "My hubband like nadal decks."
The doctor realises what she is trying to say. "Your husband likes nasal sex? Well, that's


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

A wife tells her husband that she can make him "happy and sad" at the same time.

The husband is baffled, "Wha what? how is that even possible?"

The wife replies "Well. you have the biggest dick of all your friends."

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

My doctor told me I really needed to stop masturbating.

I was pretty baffled. "I didn't know it was unhealthy! What's it going to hurt?"

He seemed a little stunned that I was stunned. "Look it's not that it's unhealthy; it's that I'm trying to examine you right now."

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Arm wrestling

This man challenges superman to an arm wrestle and wins. Superman is baffled at his victory and must know how he won. When he asks, the man's simple reply back was "I've been single for 20 years."

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

The 3rd contender for the Space Race

The Soviets sent the first Soviet to Space and returned him safely to the Earth. In response, the Americans sent the American to the moon, landed him there and returned him safely. Another country contended, the Philippines in secret to the public was in preparation of a space program, to send the first Filipino to the sun, land him safely, and return him to the Earth. The leaders of the US and th


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

A lady came up to a man and said

"Aren't you the sysadmin and a hacker?" Baffled, he responded "How did you know?" She said "I'm a psychic, I can tell you're 4chan."

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Martians arrive on earth...

They're peaceful and happy and everyone loves them. Obviously humanity has tons of questions they'd like to ask them so the U.N. decides to arrange a conference. All the world leaders, public intellectuals and religious heads are in attendance to ask their most burning questions. Finally it is the pope's turn to ask a question...

"I was wondering...have you ever


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

USSR jokes about America

My dad told me this one was a classic when he lived in the former Soviet Union:

So as you know, Russia and America would send spies against each other frequently. All American spies were mandated to learn Russian and all Russians English.

Well so, the American spy gets dropped off in the middle of Siberia. Freezing, he goes to the nearest house and knocks.


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

An indian and a white man are walking through the woods...

and the white man is trying to learn how to hunt game from the indian. So the indian is moving quickly and quietly through the dense forest and the white man is fumbling loudly behind him. Suddenly, the indian stops short and presses his cheek up against a large tree. He then exclaims,

*"Moose come."*

The white man is baffled by how the indian discovered this a


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE