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Jokes

What did Aphrodite say back to Artemis when she told her to shut the fuck up

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A man, a pub and a dare

A man goes to a pub for a drink and spies on the counter a glass jar filled with $50 notes.
"bartender, what's this then" the man asks while pointing to his favourite ale on tap.
"oh, that's for the local dare we got set up, put in $50, you do three things and you get the whole jar. First you have to knock out the bouncer at the Pink Panther club down the roa


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My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair

Well, guess who came crawling back.

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There was once an old man who loved telling jokes

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I am of Irish descent, so hopefully this one works. An Italian, a Jew, and an Irishman are stranded on a desert island.

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An Oklahoma State Trooper pulls over a circus clown for speeding

The trooper asks the clown "Why were you driving so fast?" The clown says "I'm headed to Tulsa for a circus show and I don't want to be late." The trooper asks the clown "What do you do in the show?" "I'm a juggler" says the clown.

"Alright" says the trooper, "If you juggle for me here, I won't give you a ticke


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A man walks into a Mexican restaurant...

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What is Donald Trump's favorite butterfly

The monarch because it always goes back to Mexico

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Programmer goes to shop for groceries, wife tells him: "Get a gallon of milk. If they have eggs, get a dozen." So he comes back home with a dozen gallons of milk and says "They had eggs."

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There are two prawns swimming in the ocean

One is called Justin, the other is called Christian.

Being prawns, they were both scared of sharks.

The sharks always chased them and made their lives miserable.

Justin said, "I hate being chased by these sharks; I hate being a prawn. I wish I was a shark."

Suddenly, I magical cod appears and grants the prawn's wish.

J


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Bob and Martha have been married for 15 years. Each and every morning of those 15 years, Bob has woken up, farted loudly and proudly, rolled over onto his back and got out of bed to go to work...



And each and every morning for those 15 years, Martha has said to him disgustedly, "One of these days, you're gonna fart your guts out!"

But this has had no effect on Bob as he has continued merrily with his routine each morning.

Martha is totally fed up with this and then one Thanksgiving morning when she got up early to get things ready, she


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I just got back from vacation. It looks like somebody violently broke into my room looking for something and left papers and thrash everywhere.

Perfect. Everything is just the way I left it.

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Peeing on my flowers

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her.

One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."

"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old


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While wandering in the desert I came across a lamp

When I rubbed it a Genie popped out.


Genie: You have released me from my prison, in return I shall grant you three wishes.

Me: I've seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way won't it?

Genie: I promise that won't happen. I'm so sure it won't I'll give you infinite wishes if it does.


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When the Son of Odin beat on the Hulk with Mjonir...

It didn't actually hurt me too bad, the Hulk thought. Especially when the God of Thunder hit him in the back, it was rather like a Swedish massage. So the Hulk let Odinsson whale away. Why did he do this?


Because he was Thor.

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My older sister came back from her first year of college and was talking about her favorite sorority initiation called Boo-Khaki

I didn’t know it was required of sororities to hate on khakis, like whats the big deal?

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You know what makes me sad?

Garbage men are always handling my junk, but they never call me back.

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A poem

A Republican, a hippy and an Alabaman belle,
A Russian, an Australian, two Africans as well,
An Englishman, an Irishman, a Welshman and a Scot,
An Arab and an Indian, some more that I forgot,
Five Mexicans on burro-back, sombreroed for the sun,
Bob-headed anti-vax moms asking “R U OK HUN?”
A Crossfitter, an atheist, a vegan and a Nazi,
A Christ


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It was entertainment night at the Senior Center.

Claude the hypnotist exclaimed: 'I'm here to put you into a trance; I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience.'

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.

'I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch.

It's a very special watch.

It&


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Sex pills

A concerned wife goes to their family doctor, and she explains to the doctor that her husband won’t have sex with her.

“ I tried everything.” She explains. “Videos, pictures, videos of me pleasuring myself. Nothing gets him aroused” she says looking at the doctor.

The doctor leans back in his chair, crosses his arms and rests his chin in the


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Two men were having a slow round of golf

The two ladies in front of them managed to get into every sand trap, lake, and rough on the course. They didn't bother to wave the men on through, which is proper golf etiquette. After two hours of waiting and waiting, one man said, "I think I'll walk up there and ask those gals to let us play through." He walked out the fairway, got halfway to the ladies, stopped, turned aroun


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Cop pulled me over

I was pulled over by a cop, for a random breath test

The cop shoved the machine in my face and asked me to count to 5

I counted 1.....2.....3.....4 and looked at him.

He looked back confused, Then I said “I’m a bass player.... I can’t count past 4

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Simon the prawn is sick of being chased by the other creatures in the lagoon.


He prays to god to make him into a fierce shark and turn the tables on his enemies.


The next day simon has been turned into a Great white shark and has great fun chasing all his enemies round, but soon starts to enjoy bullying all the other creatures too.

After a few days the novelty wears off and he's bored and alone, with all his mates afraid and


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Jesus and Satan are having a competition on who can finish an essay first

Jesus and Satan are having a competition on who can finish an essay first. 1, 2, 3, GO. Jesus starts and takes his time while Satan is typing up a storm. Satan is typing so fast that the power goes out and both computers are shut off. They start back up, and Jesus states that he is done with the essay. Riddled, Satan asks how he wrote that fast.

Jesus turns to him and simply says, &


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Why does Harley drivers never wave back at other motorcyclists?

Because its too hard controlling a wheel barrel with one hand.

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What is your favourite colour of khaki trousers?

I had some nice blue khakis' back in the day.

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A detective goes on a sting with his partner

They got a tip from an anonymous source that a lady of the night had some information on the king pin of crime in the area. However, to gain her trust they needed to go undercover. While the detective approached the prostitute in the back alley, the partner waited in the car patiently to hear information about the case.

Twenty minutes later, the detective comes back to the car looking


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Two men are trying to get in a quick eighteen holes, but there two women golfers in front of them who are taking quite a long time to play each hole.

The first guy says, "Why don't you go over and ask if we can play through?"

The second guy gets about halfway there, turns and comes back.

The first guy says, "What's wrong?"

The second guy says, "One of them is my wife, and the other is my mistress."

The first guy says, "That could be a problem. I


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A child and a paedophile walk into a creepy, secluded forest.

The child says to the man “I’m scared”.
“You’re scared??? I have to walk back on my own!”

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My girlfriend asked me to stop referencing music when I'm cutting

I texted back "That's just what happens when the levee breaks"

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In the public toilets

I was in the public toilets today and as I sat down, a voice from the next cubicle said "Hi, how are you?".

Embarrassed, I said, "I'm doing fine".

The voice said "So what are you up to?".

I said, "Just doing the same as you - sitting here!

Then I'm asked "Can I come over?".


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I'm sure my allotment is conspiring against me. Each time that I trim it it grows back twice as harsh..

The plot thickens.

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I handed my coffee back to the barrister and asked...

[deleted]

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A priest and a bishop were walking downtown...

...when a attractive hooker invitingly said to them, “How about it... twenty dollars a pop?” They looked at each other quizzically, then said politely to the hooker, “No, thank you.”

They walked on and another lady of the night asked them, “How about it... twenty dollars a pop? And again they declined.

Then the priest asked the bishop, "


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A pastor walks into a cave

A pastor went down into a cave renowned for it's echo. "anything you say will be perfectly echoed back to you perfectly." So he goes down there and yells "Bologna!" to which he got no reply. He goes up to his guide and says, "I thought this cave echoes everything back perfectly!". The guide replies, "I'm not sure what happened there. Try it again."


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Did you hear about the lady that went deep sea fishing with a few guys?

She came back with a Red Snapper

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A man wins back to back golds in the Olympics for the decathlon

Ashton was Eaton up the competition

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Did you hear about the cheerleader's fishing trip with the football team?

She came back with a red snapper!

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Two Irishmen are going out for a drink...

It was Friday night, and Mick and Seamus were trying to figure out where to go.

"I know!" says Seamus, "There's this great pub across town we ought to try."

"What's so great about it?" asks Mick.

"Well, when you first walk in the door, they give you a free drink. They you go upstairs for a free shag. When you get b


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Rusty the dog

Rusty had a great bushy tail and lived his life in a bar. One night, Rusty gets hit by a car. His tail is the only thing left, so the barmaid preserves it.

One night at midnight, the barmaid is about to close up when the ghost of Rusty walks back in, sans tail. "I want my tail back!" says the canine revanent.

The barmaid smiles wryly "Sorry Rusty, but we do


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Did you hear about the girl that went fishing with seven guys?

She came back with a Red Snapper.

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Did you hear about the woman who went fishing with four guys?

She came back with a red snapper.

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A young man during the gold rush decided to leave his family and go west to prospect for gold

After three months out in California, well, a man has needs. With little success so far, he went out to the nearest whorehouse. He said to the man at the front desk, "I'd like a woman for the night please." The man at the front desk replied, "Well, sir, I'd be more than happy, but I should warn you, the only woman we have left tonight is a woman named Sandpaper Sally."


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Good Job Private Daredevil!

A sergeant was passing the barracks after lights out, when he
heard some voices from inside. He slammed open the door, and
shouted:

Listen, you guys! A few minutes ago, you all heard me say good
night. What you must realize, is that when I say "Good Night,"
what I really mean is "SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!"

The room instantly fell sile


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I went on a caving trip with my friend. I shouted to him that I found some Basalt.

He shouted back "That's Gneiss!"

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Did you hear about the girl that went fishing with the three guys?

She came back with a red snapper.

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Two carpenters are nailing up siding...

Two carpenters are nailing up siding one day. The first carpenter grabs a nail from his pouch, examines it, and then tosses it in the trash. He proceeds to grab another nail, examine it, and then hammers it into the siding. He repeats this process several time. Finally the second carpenter turns to him and asks "Why are you doing that?" to which the first carpenter replies "Half of


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Honey from the Honeysuckle

A city boy moves to the country. While out walking his property, he stumbles up on his neighbor, an old farmer. He says hey farmer I'm your new neighbor, just moved from the city. I was walking on your property here and noticed you had some honeysuckle growing. Do you mind if I get some honey? Farmer says boy you are from the city. You don't get no honey from no honeysuckle. He says, wel


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Did you hear about the girl who went fishing with five guys ?

All she came back with was a red snapper.

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A woman goes deep sea fishing with five guys.

She came back with a big red snapper.

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