Autopsy

Jokes

New York's Chief Medical Examiner completes autopsy on Jeffrey Epstein.

Results will be available as soon as Clinton finishes writing it up.

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Attorney General Barr released a summary of Jeffrey Epstein's autopsy findings...

They found no evidence of contusion.

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A conversation between me and my boss.

Boss: “Why did you have sex with her?

Me: “Because she was lying naked. What was I supposed to do?”

Boss: “AUTOPSY, YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO DO AN AUTOPSY”

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Two men argue:

- *How could you sleep with her?!*

- She was naked, what else should I do?

- *The autopsy!*

- Dont tell me what to do!!

- *You are the worst veterinarian ever*!!

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A man is called into his boss' office

\- Boss: How could you fuck her?! What's wrong with you?!

\- Man: She was naked, what was I supposed to do?

\- Boss: The autopsy, the fucking autopsy!

\- Man: She was dead anyway!

\- Boss: You're the worst veterinarian ever!

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Sex on the Job

Client: "Why did you have sex with her?!"

Employee: "*She was just lying there naked! What else was I supposed to do?"*

Client: "The autopsy! The fucking autopsy!"

Employee: "*I don't tell you how to do your job; don't tell me how to do mine!"*

Boss: "You're the worst veterinarian of al


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Its, 'Take your kid to work day'.

and little Mary is with her dad. Dad says to little Mary that what he is doing now is, an autopsy. Please stop crying honey.

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Soo were going to the Autopsy club tonight huh? Whats happening there?

It’s open Mike night!

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Soo were going to the Autopsy club tonight huh? Whats happening there?

It’s open Mike night!

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We were about to observe our first autopsy in medical school, and my friend asked me, What do you think itll be like?

I said, “Remains to be seen.”

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Man: Doctor, is it serious?!

Doctor: Oh my God, stop the autopsy!!

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Good news Ruth Bader Ginsburg shows no evidence of cancer

...autopsy results revealed.

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Heading down to the Autopsy Club later.

It's open Mike night.

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Heading down to the Autopsy Club later.

It’s open Mike night.

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I always wondered why do people cut themselves

They're just doing and autopsy

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You had sex with my sister!!

\- Well, she was lying there naked in my office.

What was I supposed to do?

​

​

\- The fucking autopsy you sick bastard!!

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I can tell what the last thing someone eat was just by looking at them.

All I have to do is wait for the autopsy results to come back.

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A dead xenomorph was found and doctor perforned autopsy to figure out why it died

"We found acid from its blood"

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Wife: I cannot believe you had sex with my sister!

Husband: I walked in the room and she was lying there naked! What was I supposed to do?

Wife: The Autopsy!

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Exchanges recorded verbatim by court reporters and published in the book, "Disorder in the American Courts".

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget..

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

WITNESS: How would I know?

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person die


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We thought my grandmother died in the best way possible.

Peacefully, in her sleep.
But then we done an autopsy and found out we were wrong. She died in the worst way possible.

During an autopsy.

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I Used to work in a pathology lab...

I was forced to leave when one of my reports said "Cause of Death: Autopsy"

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Remarkably, it was a coroner who found the first scientific evidence for the existence of wormholes.

He was eating pussy during an autopsy.

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Chinese man found dead

Autopsy result came out and the cause of death was asphyxi-asian.

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A man and woman fell in love...

Things were going well at first, but friction developed and their relationship started heading down hill.

One night during a fight, he tried to break the tension by going in for a kiss. She grabbed a nearby hat rack to block his maneuver and accidentally impaled his head on one of the hooks, killing him instantly.

At the autopsy, the cause of death was determined: it was


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Why is it called autopsy..

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I worked at Pathology lab,

i was asked to leave after one of my report's said "cause of death, autopsy"

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I found out I'm a necrophiliac.

How, you ask? I walked into an autopsy. It was stiff.

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What did Antonin Scalia's pathologist write in his autopsy report?

Cause of death: Hippy-energy induced heart attack.

Time of death: finally.

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Michael Jackson's latest autopsy report states that he didn't actually die at home.

He died in the hospital - he was found in the children's ward having a stroke.

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Black people don't need autopsy...

They already know the cause of death: shot by police.

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A duck was found dead on the sidewalk today...

The autopsy revealed he overdosed on quack.

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There were two pathologists performing an autopsy

The first one said "You shoulda seen the old granny we got in last night, she was nearly 80 and had a cunt like a pickle"

The other one then said "Wow, did it really look like a pickle?"

"No, but it sure tasted like one"

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What lawyers say in court

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
_________________________ ___________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
_________________________________


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Autopsy

An autopsy professor was giving an introductory lecture to a class of students. Standing over a corpse, he addressed the class. "There are two things you need to make a career in medical forensics. First, you must have no fear." Having said that, he shoved his finger up the corpse's anus and licked it. "Now you must do the same," he told the class. After a couple of minute


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How do you know if you have skin cancer?

You die from skin cancer and come back as a ghost to study the autopsy report.

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How do you find out if a dead man has autism?

You give them an autopsy

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Doctor, How was the surgery?

surgery? But... was this not an autopsy???!!!

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Medical students are taught how to do an autopsy

Fresh medical students are all gathered around a cadaver in an operating theatre. The doctor in charge addresses them before starting the autopsy.

"Now, I know you are all anxious to dissect the cadaver but before we begin, there are three principles that you must comply with. Number one, you must form an intimate bond with the cadaver. The best way to do this is to watch what I


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A patient complained to his doctor...

"I've been to three other doctors and none of them agreed with your diagnosis."

The doctor calmly replied, "Just wait until the autopsy, then you'll see that I was right."

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Two medical students are about to witness an autopsy for the first time...

One asks the other, "What do you think it'll be like?"

The other student shrugs and says, "Remains to be seen".

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An autopsy professor....

An autopsy professor was giving an introductory lecture to a class of students. Standing over a corpse, he addressed the class. ’There are two things you need to make a career in medical forensics. First, you must have no fear.’ Having said that, he shoved his finger up the corpse’s anus and licked it. ’Now you must do the same,’ he told the class. After a couple of m


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Rumor has it that John Wayne's autopsy revealed 40 pounds of fecal matter lodged in his intestines

But it turned out to be a lot of shit

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These exchanges were recorded verbatim by court reporters and published in the book, "Disorder in the American Courts".

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget..

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

WITNESS: How would I know?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor


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Miley Cyrus was recently found dead at a construction site.

Her autopsy revealed her death came in like a wrecking ball.

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"What's the cause of death?"

"What's the cause of death?"

"Well on the autopsy report it says 'all organs removed'."

"That's what they DID during the autopsy, idiot."

"Oh. Well, I don't know then."

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The Autopsy Trial

Lawyer: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"

Witness: "No."

Lawyer: "Did you check for blood pressure?"

Witness: "No."

Lawyer: "Did you check for breathing?"

Witness: "No."

Lawyer: "So, then it is possible that the patient


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Witness in a trial

In a trial, a doctor who had performed the autopsy on the victim was called up to the stand by the prosecuting lawyer. After the doctor swears not to lie, he takes his seat getting ready to answer the lawyer's questions.

**Lawyer:** "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"

**Doctor:** "No."

**Lawyer:** &


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What's black and white and red all over?

Michael Jackson, after the autopsy.

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Lawyer joke

* Lawyer: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
* Witness: "No."
* Lawyer: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
* Witness: "No."
* Lawyer: "Did you check for breathing?"
* Witness: "No."
* Lawyer: "So, then it is possible that the patient


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