Asylum

Jokes

20,000 Flat Earthers meet up inside a building...

Which happens to be an insane asylum.

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What do you call art class in a mental asylum?

Cra-z-art

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A man moved in to a new apartment,

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What's the difference between a monastery and an asylum?

If you hear God talking to you, you go to the monastery.

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What's the best way to win a free trip to Central America?

Apply for asylum in the US

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I read something in the news recently about a bunch of the female staff at an insane asylum getting arrested for having sex with some of the mentally unstable patients.

Seriously, they were fucking crazy.

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How do you stop a nut from escaping the asylum?

You loctite the nut.

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What would the online profile of a newly discharged asylum patient be like?

"Just got out of an abusive relationship, not looking to get committed again."

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A man's rear tire falls off his car in front of a mental asylum.

While inspecting he notices that all the lug nuts have broken and fallen off the wheel.

As he sits there desperately trying to find a way to re-attach his wheel to the car, he hears a voice call out to him from behind the fence.

"What seems to be the problem?" says the mental patient.

The man replies, "well it seems all the lug nuts have broke


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An Asylum Seeker has been found dead in a cheese vat.

Police are unsure of his nationality but say he looks Kurdish.

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3 people are in a asylum.

3 people are in a asylum. 2 are men and 1 is a woman. They have lots of food and water and could last years.

One day the 3 people got really bored. The woman was horny so they all decided to have sex. The 3 people had sex for about a week, but on the last week the woman died.

The last two men were still horny so the kept having sex. They had sex for one more week and on


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So those two guys want to escape a mental asylum...

They came up with a brilliant plan of running away by jumping on rooftops. When they managed to get to the roof the first man jumped a giant gap and made it to the other building, he then called out his friend to jump.

“Hell no I’m not gonna jump that, I’ll fall and die, better be trapped in this asylum forever than dead!”

So after some thinking, t


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There were two guys in a lunatic asylum

One night they decide they don't like living in an asylum any more. They decide they're going to escape! So, like, they get up onto the roof, and there, just across this narrow gap, they see the rooftops of the town, stretching away in the moon light... stretching away to freedom. Now, the first guy, he jumps right across with no problem. But his friend, his friend didn't dare make


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In an asylum for mentally handicapped

Bobby is sitting on his bed pretending to be driving a car.

The nurse who happens to see this asks "What are you doing Bobby?"

Bobby : "Driving to Chicago!".

Nurse: "Drive safe Bobby".

The Next day,

The nurse asks ,"Did you have a safe trip to Chicago Bobby?"

"Yup!" say


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A bathtub full of preserved human brains found in an abandoned Texas Asylum.

This is what happens when you put the world's greatest minds together. It's a think tank for brainwashing.

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There were these two guys in a lunatic asylum

...and one night, one night they decided they didn't like living in an asylum any more. They decided that they're going to escape!

So, they got up onto the roof, and there, just across the narrow gap, they saw the rooftops of the town, stretching away in the moonlight... Stretching away to freedom.

Now, the first guy, he jumped right across with no problem. But


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Asylum

In a lunatic asylum, the doctor come to visit to see the condition of his patients.
When he gets back into the refectory, he sees the whole of the patients rolling on the ground around a line, they all roll on the floor shouting.
All but one, the doctor come to see him and says:
-you are not crazy?
-of course i am.
-and why aren't you with the others?
-be


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Asylum

In a lunatic asylum, the doctor come to visit to see the condition of his patients.
When he gets back into the refectory, he sees the whole of the patients rolling on the ground around a line, they all roll on the floor shouting.
All but one, the doctor come to see him and says:
-you are not crazy?
-of course i am.
-and why aren't you with the others?
-be


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An old finnish guy goes to the US embassy

Once there, he is requesting for political asylum. The US Ambassador Intrigued, grants him immediate interview.


"Hello sir, how may we help you?"
"I want to apply for political asylum, and I would like to emigrate immediately"
"I see... but may I ask what is the reason?"
"It's a very long story, your Excelency&qu


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How do you confuse Breitbart "readers"?

Tell them that the natural diet of asylum seekers is, paedophiles.

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Why was the asylum warden an alcoholic?

Because, as he would say, "I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy!"

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Just had some syrian ask me the way to the mental institution,


Fucking asylum seeker.

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An important document was named after a baker's dog, "Pido".

A mental asylum patient hung himself

On that same day, a hacker deleted the important document.

Pido file deleted.

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During a visit to the mental asylum...

During a visit to the mental asylum, I asked the director how do You determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.....


"Well," said the director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal pe


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2 Crazy people meet at a mental asylum

Crazy person 1: I am jesus, god told me that in my dreams
Crazy person 2: fuck no I didn't tell you that

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What do you call a white person in an insane asylum?

A Nutcracker

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Jake and Phil were best friends, in a mental asylum.

They had done everything together. They ate together, shared jokes together and in general had a solid friendship. One day, while the asylum had organized a swimming event, Phil started to drown. He had never learned to swim: however, his friend Jake knew how. So, seeing his friend in danger, decided to jump in and save his life.

A couple days pass and the superintendent comes over


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Did you hear about the soup chef that was admitted to the insane asylum?

He went stir crazy.

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In the Asylum, there were a zoophiliac, a murderer, a necrophiliac, a pyromaniac and a masochist.

Then the zoophiliac said: "Lets get a cat and rape it". Then the murderer said: "Lets get a cat, rape it and kill it". Then the necrophiliac said: "we get it, rape it, kill it and rape it again". The pyromaniac said: " we get it, rape it, kill it, rape it again and then set it on fire".
Then all looked at the masochist and he said : "meow".


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I recently fell for a girl at Shady Oaks Asylum for the Mentally unsound.

I’m now in a committed relationship.


God that was bad wasn’t it...

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A giraffe walks into the doctors office and says "Doc, my throat hurts"

The doctor freaks out and runs out of the office yelling that a giraffe just talked to him. His receptionist has him committed to an insane asylum where he dies alone and broke.

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At the mental asylum...

... a man sneaked the line for lunch. “What are you think you’re doing! Who told you that you could jump in like that?”, one of the other patients shouted. “Well, God did”, the first man answered calmly. Then, a voice from the back of the line replied loudly: “I have never said that!”


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A man is walking by a mental asylum...

...when he hears the patients inside shouting 'FOURTEEN! FOURTEEN! FOURTEEN!'. The asylum yard has a 9 foot tall concrete wall, so he can't see inside, but he notices a small hole in the wall, about waist high. Curious, he approaches the hole and looks through it. A stick suddenly pops out of the hole and jabs him in the eye, and the inmates start shouting 'FIFTEEN! FIFTEEN! FI


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3 mad men get asked at the asylum

The warden of the asylum gets to grant one chance for the mad men to get out of there. The only task is to respond correctly one question. So him and all the distraught get together to do the examination.

The warden goes to the first one and asks him: 'what it 4x4?'. The first one thinks for a bit, and then, unsure says: 'elephant'. The warded looks away, dissapoi


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A man is yelling "People, listen to me! I am the son of Satan!" out of the window of a mental asylum.

Another one sticks his head out and yells:

"Don't listen to him, he's a maniac! I don't have a son!"

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A man visits an asylum with 8 floors.

There, he talks to the manager of the asylum, who guides him through it.

"Let me explain to you how this building works. In the first floor, we've got the inmates that aren't very crazy. On the second floor, we've got the ones who are just a bit crazy. On the third floor, we have the ones who are somewhat crazy. On the fourth floor, we have the ones that are plain


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There was a really fast runner who was admitted to an asylum.

He did his time and was released as a "rehabilitated man".

The day he was discharged his father came to pick him up.
His father approached him and asked one question :- "So...Usain?"

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What do you call a crayon in an asylum ?

CRAY Z

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A journalist went to a mental asylum. he interviewed a doctor.

A journalist went to a mental asylum. he interviewed a doctor.

journalist - How do you know these patients cured or not ?
doctor - Let me show you a demonstration.

He called a one patient and show him 5 dollar bill and 100 dollar bill,And then

doctor : Take which ever you want

the patient took the 5 dollar bill and left.
After the int


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Hitler walks into a mental asylum in 1935...

All the people yell 'Seig heil' and 'hail Hitler'. All except 1 guard. Hitler walks over to the man, and asks 'what's wrong with you?' The man responds ' Oh, I'm normal. Not like the rest of them.

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The local mental asylum is running out of space

So the asylum director concocted a way to release the least crazy residents back into the population.

He drained the swimming pool and observed which residents went in to swim. Those who jumped into the empty swimming pool were obviously not ready to be discharged.

After about 15 min he noted all the residents except one were "swimming" in the empty pool. The d


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Two guys wearing white coats are talking at a mental asylum

One guy says : "So, you're the patient who thinks he's a doctor ?"

The other guy responds : "Go back to your room !"

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An army training site and a mental asylum shared a fence..

One morning a doctor was walking in the yard of the asylum and noticed a patient who was playing with two buckets. One was filled with water and the other had holes in its bottom, so when he lowered her into the first one it made bubbling sounds. The doctor got curious and asked the patient "What is this?". "It's a bubblenator!" excitedly answered the patient. The doctor


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A new guy starts working at the local mental asylum.

After giving him some general indications, the director tells him to ask any question he may have.

-Yes, director, I have one. How do we know if a patient is cured and ready to leave the asylum?

-Well -says the director-, once per year, we gather some of them and ask them a question. If they answer it correctly, then they are cured and are free to go.

The di


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Why was the squirrel admitted into the insane asylum?

Cause he was nuts.

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Two people are in an insane asylum.

There are two people in an insane asylum. One day they decide they are going to try and escape. They both go on the the roof and see the city. “Over there is freedom” one of them says. One of them jumps over to another rooftop and tells the other one to jump over too, but he refuses because he is scared. The one that jumped has a flashlight and says “I’ll shine it across an


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Two Guys in a Lunatic Asylum

There were these two guys in a lunatic asylum… and one night they decide they don’t like living in an asylum any more. They decide they’re going to escape! So, like, they get up onto the roof, and there, just across this narrow gap, they see the rooftops of the town, stretching away in the moon light… stretching away to freedom. Now, the first guy, he jumps right across w


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In a mental asylum Jack tries to kill himself by jumping into the pool.

Sally jumps in and rescues him.
The head of the asylum immediaty calls Sally to release her (someone who does somthing like that must be sane).
“Sally, I have good news and bad news :
The good news is that you are going home.
The bad news is that Jack hanged himself..”
Sally immediatly responds : “well I did hang him up to dry...”


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A man goes to an asylum and asks

“How do you admit your patients?” The psychiatrist says “ Well, we fill a bathtub full of water then give them a spoon, a cup and a bucket then we tell them to empty the bathtub”. The man replies “I see, so the sane person would take the bucket”, and the psychiatrist replies “No, the sane person will pull the drain plug. Would you like your room to have a


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What did they say about the man who sent the office chair to the insane asylum?

He committed deceit

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