Assure

Jokes

Special High Intensity Training: It is now and always has been the policy of this company to assure all employees are well trained.

Through our Special High Intensity Training program (SHIT), we have given our employees more SHIT than any other company in the area. If any employee feels that he or she could advance to another position by taking more SHIT, please see your supervisor. Our management specialists are trained to assure you get all the SHIT you can handle.

Any individual who feels he or she has not re


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Credit: uTheKevster7440

Him: who’s your favorite muppet on the muppet show?

Me: The vampire

Him: He doesn’t count

Me: Oh... I can assure you that he does

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Who's your favorite character on the Muppet show?

The vampire.

"He doesn't count"

I can assure you that he does.

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Her: Who's your favourite Muppet Show character?

Me: The vampire

Her: That's Sesame Street – he doesn't count

Me: I can assure you that he does

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Guy accuses a politician of being stupid or high

I assure you, I am not high.

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I was sitting on my own in a restaurant

when I saw a beautiful woman at another table. I sent her a bottle of the most expensive wine on the menu. She sent me a note, “I will not touch a drop of this wine unless you can assure me that you have seven inches in your pocket.” I wrote back, “Give me back the wine. As gorgeous as you are, I'm not cutting off three inches for anyone.”


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A man with chronic vision problems...

A man with chronic vision problems appeared to have his visual health declining quickly. He'd go to visit doctor after doctor, who had been prescribing him stronger and stronger prescription glasses. However, the degeneration of his vision was making him approach blindness, and he finally cracked and located a witch doctor in a rural neighborhood.

​

Wh


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On an undisclosed Singapore Airline flight..

Passenger: Hello Miss, just want to ask you ah, who and where is this Kevin Khoo ah? He seem to be a very busy man. Everyone is looking for him….

Flight Attendant: ?? Sorry, Kevin Khoo?? Not sure what you mean sir..

Passenger: You know Kevin Khoo la…even the Captain is always looking for him…Kevin Khoo please be seated for take off….Kevin Khoo


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A group of Engineering professors were invited to fly in a plane.

Right after they were comfortably seated, they were informed the plane was built by their students.

All but one got off their seats and headed frantically to the exits in maniacal panic.

The one lone professor that stayed put, calmly in his seat, was asked: “Why did you stay put?”

“I have plenty of confidence in my students. Knowing them, I


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So a man was caught in the dead of night...



...swimming around in the dolphin enclosure at Sea World.

Security was called and he was arrested, suspected of trying to have sex with the dolphins.

He tried to assure everyone that nothing sexual happened and that he had gotten lost and stumbled into the pool completely by accident.

CCTV revealed that he came on porpoise.


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See to find out

I was sitting on my own in a restaurant, when I saw a beautiful woman at another table. I sent her a bottle of the most expensive wine on the menu. She sent me a note, “I will not touch a drop of this wine unless you can assure me that you have seven inches in your pocket.” I wrote back, “Give me the wine. As gorgeous as you are, I'm not cutting off three inches for anyone.&


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A man is talking to his doctor before a vasectomy...

The man asks "So, after the procedure, sex will feel the same?"

The doctor responds, "I can assure you there will be no vas deferens."

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How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two. One to assure everyone that everything possible is being done while the other screws the bulb into the water faucet.

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My summer camp kid threw his basketball in the washing machine.

It was the only way we could assure a clean game.

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Wine and Dine

I was sitting on my own in a restaurant, when I saw a beautiful woman at another table. I sent her a bottle of the most expensive wine on the menu. She sent me a note, “I will not touch a drop of this wine unless you can assure me that you have seven inches in your pocket.” I wrote back, “Give me the wine. As gorgeous as you are, I'm not cutting off three inches for anyone.&


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How do you get Donald Trump to hang himself?

Write PROPERTY OF CNN on the rope, and assure him it's perfectly safe, because it's fake noose.

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Today's meeting for visually impaired psychics

has been cancelled...

due to unforeseen circumstances.

We assure you this issue will be **raised** in our next newsletter.

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A group of Engineering professors were invited to fly in a plane.

Right after they were comfortably seated, they were informed the plane was built by their students.

All but one got off their seats and headed frantically to the exits in maniacal panic.

The one lone professor that stayed put, calmly in his seat, was asked: “Why did you stay put?”

“I have plenty of confidence in my students. Knowing them, I


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I trust you went to university just like all the rest. Well, forget all you learned there. You will not need any of that acquired know-how working here, I assure you.

[deleted]

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A guy walks into a diner and sees the fry cook, with one arm, making hamburger patties by smashing meat under his armpit...

The guy complains to his waiter that using his armpit to make burger patties is the grossest thing a fry cook could ever do to prepare food.

The waiter responds, “I assure you it’s not. In the morning he makes donuts.”

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One time, I touched my cat's butthole.

HOWEVER, I assure you, that it was only an assindent.

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Have you heard that joke about Peter Pan

Never gets old.



[I can assure you this is a repost. I've just not seen it for ages.]

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I asked my doctor if there are risks in taking both my medicine and a homeopathic remedy at the same time.

He said, "nonsense! I assure you there is no risk. I always advise my patients to drink water while taking their medicine."

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How many Seths does it take to rejigger a malflanse?

Less than a Birdie Bundle, I assure you!

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How many bureaucrats does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to assure that everything possible is being done about the situation and the other one to screw it into the faucet.

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I was told I have a small intestine.

But I can assure you it's at least average size.

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Some accuse me of being a luggage denier.

I want to assure everyone, that is definitely not the case.

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My blonde PETA friend staying for dinner...

... she says, "I can eat animal *products* like eggs and cheese, but I refuse to support any inhumane treatment."

I reply, "Well, I have some rabbit hind legs in the stew, I assure you they were old and went humanely."

"OH MY GOD!" she shrieks, "You put those poor old bunnies in wheelchairs?!"


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I was told I was addicted to cocaine, but I can assure you I am definitely not.

I just love the way it smells.

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I just made this one up so cut me some slack...

A man and his wife are at the beach and she catches him staring at a beautiful woman. Predictably she gets mad at him.

Man: Honey, you know I only have eyes for you!

Wife: Then why are you ogling that woman over there?

Man: My dear, I assure you it doesn't mean anything. It is purely for educational purposes.

Wife: What do you mean?


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A flight is boarding at London's Heathrow Airport.

As the passengers settle into their seats, a voice comes on over the intercom.

"Good morning ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to Delta Airlines Flight 1 from London-Heathrow to New York-JFK. Our flight time is approximately 7 hours and 48 minutes. We're pleased to announce that this is our first flight using our automated control system. There is no pilot in the cockpit. Bu


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I have a question about relationships.

I am a single guy in my late thirties. Just divorced had have always thought for some reason I would like a relationship with a transexual m2f. It's hard to explain, but I can assure you that this feeling goes well beyond the " sexual stereotyp".
Any suggestions on how one meets and gets to know a transgender without them jumping to conclusions that is purely sexual?


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They say great things come in small packages

But I assure you my thing is still pretty good.

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Two people escape from an asylum...

Two people escape from an asylum and make it all the way to a nearby hotel. They go to sleep, but in the dead of night, one of them gets out, sits down on the nightstand and proudly proclaims, "I am a light!"


The other says, "what are you doing? This is exactly the kind of thing they put us away for."


"I am a light!"


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Are you aware you broke the speed limit?

A man and his wife were driving on the motorway when a police car signalled for them to pull over.

Having stopped, the police officer walked over to the car and asked the man to unwind his window:

''Sir, are you aware of how fast you were just driving?''

The man replies, ''I'm sure I didn't break the speed limit officer


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Taxi!

A black woman was trying to hail a cab in New York City. She signals the first one she sees, and the driver slows down. The taxi approached, but thenvsped off just before stopping. Furious, she chased after it.

She caught up to the taxi at a nearby traffic light and she pounds on the window. The driver rolls the window down.

"You racist! You didn't pick me up be


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The mosted fuckered up joke I know. Definately NSFW

So a doctor is delivering a baby. Everything goes well and the doctor holds the baby up for inspection. Without warning the doctor tosses the baby into the air, catches it by a foot and begins to jiggle it while making sound effects. The new mother is shocked and begins struggling to rise from her bed and protect her child. The doctor, holding the baby's foot in one hand and gesturing with th


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How many politicians does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to assure the public that everything possible is being done while the other screws it into a water faucet.

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Obama is out walking his dog...

when a hippy surprises him. The hippy yells "Stop the assassinations of Americans!"

To which Obama replies. "I haven't assassinated anyone, these are all targeted killings."

The hippy, "Oh yea? Well what about the drone strikes that kill young children?"

Obama, "Well sir, I can guarantee you that most people killed in d


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If you have any Jewish friends. Then I assure you, sir, you will laugh.

5761 Year according to Jewish calendar
4698 Year according to Chinese calendar
1063 Total number of years that Jews went without Chinese food

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