Assume

Jokes

Yo mama so fat...

I once told a hilarious yomama joke to my date. Then topped it off with an even better yodaddy joke. Didnt know she was an orphan. She cried. What am I supposed to do, assume everyone is an orphan or something?

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To the person who stole my antidepressants...

I assume this makes you happy

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Everyone just assumes I know where to get drugs.

I do, but it's rude to assume.

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What to do when cop pulls you over:

"May I ask you a question sir? Is it appropriate to call a pig an officer?"

"Umm.. I assume yes?"

"Alright officer"

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I love all these signs in men's bathrooms stating stuff like "stand closer" or "don't pee on the floor" or "pee elegantly" or "please aim" or ...

I have to assume any such sign was thought up by someone who has never operated a dick before.

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An uneducated man decides to give college a second chance. He walks up to the Dean of his local community college and says, "I want to learn something new, I haven't learned much and I want to learn more,". "Great, which class would you like to take?" said the Dean.

"Which classes do you offer?" responded the man.

"We have all sorts of classes, from science to logic," said the Dean.

"What's logic?" asked the man.

"Well, I can use information to assume something." Said the Dean.

"How?" asked the Man.

"Take this scenario, do you have


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A sergeant shouted at some recruits to go under a net.

One of the recruits assume a swimming stance.
The sergeant asks: "Why are standing like that? "
The recruit replies:"I'm going to do Front Crawl."

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I assume your brother has a fine bottom

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Don't You Hate It When

people just ASSUME you're rich because you talk really posh, went to a private school and have loads of money?

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What can you always assume when buying a used BMW?

The turn signal will always be in brand-new condition.

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My wife says I never listen to her...

Or at least, I assume she does, anyway.

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When you assume, you make an ass out of you and me.

Just like when I tried to assassinate that guy and I accidentally ate in those two asses.

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How to offend a stranger in 2050?

Assume their gender.

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When it comes to math and science, its a stereotype to assume that Asians are always right

They could be Wong too

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I have a conflation fetish.

People often assume I mean an inflation fetish...

And that really gets me going.

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All clean cut dorks (especially in suits)....

...just assume they are Mormon and try to avoid them.

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What do you call a female Dinosaur with herpes?

A Gina-sore.
I am drunk and watching Jurassic Park. Forgive me if this had been thought of before, I assume it had but it made us laugh a lot. Have a great night!

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Actually Im a Hetero Sapien...

How dare you assume my genus!

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NSFWA man and his family are checking in to a hotel, at the front counter the man leans in and says "I assume the porn is disabled?"

The clerk says "No it's regular porn, you sick fuck"

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People who assume everything will never learn new things

Atleast, i'm assuming

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To all the people who listen to my Indian accent and automatically assume Im in IT, let me tell you something.

That’s just a coincidence.

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It would be a mistake to assume rmeirl is pro-choice

They are solidly anti-life.

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Dude, if youre not a woman you cant have a say on abortion

“Did you just assume my gender?”

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Guy moved in the other day, new neighbor...

I got a new neighbor the other day...moved in beside me, and I'm a neighborly guy, so I go and knock on his door and welcome him to the neighborhood. Guy was real friendly, says thanks...I ask him, what do you do for a living?

Guy says, I'm a professor of logic down at the University of Tennessee.

I says...Ohh..logic...well, I've heard of it but I'm no


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Someone asked me, Were you born a boy or a girl?

Bold of you to assume I was born.

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When my friend asked me why I have a Trump 2020 sticker on my car, I tell them its for financial reasons.

The cops never pull me over, because they assume that I’m white.

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Guy: '' Excuse me miss could I please get some of those purple flowers in a bouquet? ''

Gender neutral florist: '' Did you just assume magenta? ''

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A chemist, a physicist, and an economist are all trapped on a desert island, trying to figure out how to open a can of food.

“Let’s heat the can over the fire until it explodes,” says the chemist.

“No, no,” says the physicist, “let’s drop the can onto the rocks from the top of a high tree.”

“I have an idea,” says the economist. “First, we assume a can opener...”


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We all know that if you assume in the USA it makes and ass out of u and me. But what does assuming do in China?

Makes an ass out of u and Ming

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A penis walks into a bar....

Bartender: What will you be having to drink sir?

Penis: Please don't assume that I'm thirsty.

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Life is like a chess

I don’t know how to play. like at all. And I google it or like YouTube it to try and find tutorials, but they all assume I have a basic knowledge. And I’m like no like from the beginning. like finish this sentence..I wake up and I ..... what? How do I life?

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You shouldnt assume

It makes an ass out of u and me

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I hate going into jewellery stores with my girlfriend , all the staff always assume we're there for the engagement rings.





Mind you, the ski masks probably don't help.

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A student is looking for a university minor...

He finds a professor of assumption...

He asks what it is all about.

The professor asks, "Do you have a dog?"

"Yes, I do"

"So I assume you have a yard for a dog?"

"Yes, in fact"

"I assume you have a house then?"

"Why yes I do!"

"The


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"mom, dad, I have something important to tell you: I'm straight"

Parents: "You do realize we just assume you're straight until you tell us otherwise, yes?"

Child: "HA! Got you! April fools!"

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It's not right to assume that a janitor can clean your chimney.

You shouldn't make sweeping generalizations.

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Never Assume

It makes and Ass out of U

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An Indian friend was offended when I sang him "Ten Little Indians"...

He was incredibly upset! He said, "Why must you assume their gender!??"

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Triggered

So a guy walks into a well lit area.
Light:"Hey, I'm waving here!"
Guy:"I thought you were particles."
Light:"Did you just assume my form???"

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Triggered

So a guy walks into a well lit area.
Light:"Hey, I'm waving here!"
Guy:"I thought you were particles."
Light:"Did you just assume my form???"

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I was accused of mansplaining...

So I asked them, "Did you just assume my gender?"

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Me: Hey, dont assume Im dying alone. I might find someone, you dont know.

Waiter: “I asked if you were dining alone.”

Me: “Oh, sorry. Yes.”

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My Physicist friend's mother in law is very short, fat and greasy, but surprisingly aerodynamic.

You can assume the cow is a large, spherical mass that does not experience friction or air resistance.

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Some neighbours had just moved in to the house next-door so we invited them over to our house for a meal,

We were having a barbeque outside in the garden as it was a nice sunny day, and as the family had small kids we let the dog out to play.

I had been talking to the father, a really nice guy in his 40s, like me, when he told me that he actually worked as the professor of logic at the local university. I was particularly interested as I didn't realise that was even a position one c


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Random dirty joke

Girl 1: Hey, that’s a nice bike. When you get her?

Girl 2: Her? Did you just assume my bike’s gender?

Girl 1: Well I find it unbelievable that you ride any guys with your ugly ass.

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What happens when you mistakenly assume someone's gender?

You make an ass out of they and they.

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Why do white people (i assume) have the highest suicide rate in America?

Because they always want to be in a second story.

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If you deny pooping after being in the bathroom for a while...

I'm going to assume you're full of shit.

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Due to the amount of coincidence that happened for Hitler to become a dictator

We can safley assume that if there is a god, he sure isn't jewish

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Did you just assume my gender???

Because my username is DaisyPrincessGirlyGurl!?!?!? Ugh! I’m Soo triggered!!

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