Asleep

Jokes

Why cant you ask a Welshman to count how many sexual partners hes had?

Because they always fall asleep halfway through.

[Stolen from Jimmy Carr]

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An Alabama professor was teaching about the theory of relativity when suddenly he fell asleep

He was sleeping with the relatives.

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After Adam stayed out late a few nights, Eve became suspicious.

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I've been posting my resume online while I was asleep

hoping to get my dream job.

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What can you say both during sex and a funeral?

Hey, mom why is grandpa asleep?

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If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, they are resisting a rest.

But if they do fall asleep, you could be charged with a kidnapping.

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A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the people. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call h


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Why do male pigs make everyone fall asleep?

It's because their real boars to be with.

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How the Frenchmen and the Englishmen see each other's love lives:

How a Frenchman sees an Emglishman's Love Life:


He is making love to his wife, when he pauses for a moment:


"Is everything okay darling? Did I hurt you?"


"No my dear, why?


"Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you moved.


How an Englishman's sees a Frenchman's love life:


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I was told sitting on my hand until it fell asleep and then masturbating feels really good

But I misheard and now it feels like I’m jerking somebody else off

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So i asked my wife the other day did you fake it last night?

She said “no, I was really asleep”

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What's the quickest way to fall asleep?

No idea, but can you see if my handkerchief smells funny?

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How do you get a Scotsman to fall asleep?

Ask him how many times he’s had sex.

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Need a solution

Question:you fall asleep and you re dreaming that you re sleepingšŸ˜“ too in your dreamšŸ’­?
What you re going to do to wake up? ?

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A king and his 512 knights are walking through a deep, dark forest.

When the night comes, they set up camp. Thinking it’s safe enough with no one around for miles, they all sleep in their own sleeping bags with no one guarding. However, when they wake up, they discover that half the knights have disappeared!

That night, after walking further into the woods, the king and his 256 knights set up camp after checking for danger. They decide it’


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I'm officially the worst lover ever.

I was masturbating and my hand fell asleep.

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My life completely changed after I learned Morse Code.

Last night for example, I couldn't fall asleep, because the rain kept telling me to go fuck myself.

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Whats the difference between someone who fall asleep whil driving and someone who rapes dumb people

ones a fucking idiot the other is fucking idiots

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Oldie: When I was a kid, my acne was so bad....

I fell asleep in a library and woke up to find a blind kid reading my face!

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An Englishman asks a Welsh man: How many sexual partners have you had?

The Welshman fell asleep

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I used to enjoy cuddling with the babysitter when she put me to bed, but meanwhile it feels a bit weird.

Especially when my wife is not yet asleep.

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My life completely changed after I learned Morse Code.

Last night, for example, I couldn't fall asleep because the rain kept telling me to go fuck myself.

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I'm pretty excited I had my first chiropractic patient today!

He was complaining about neck pain, but he liked the following adjustment so much he's been asleep for the past 4 hours!

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I want to die peacefully while I'm asleep, like my grandfather

Not like the passengers in his Uber, screaming their heads off.

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Indian Couple wanted to have sex but their kid was not sleeping early. Father beats the kid so that he would sleep early.

One day at Indian school teacher notices that a kid has a swollen face.

And asks him: what happened to your face?

Kid: My father gave me a beating for not sleeping early.

Teacher: Oh! That's bad. She consoles him. And asks him to act as if he was asleep to avoid the beating.

The next day,

Teacher: what happened to your eye?


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The other night I asked my buddy how many lovers he's had. He started counting and shortly after he just fell asleep.

I still don't know how many but it's more than 15 sheep.

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Americans are asleep

Why are Americans so religious?

Because they are dumb and gullible

Why are Americans so dumb?

The ones in school get shot

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I woke up to a blowjob this morning

It's probably the last time that I fall asleep in the bus with my mouth open

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One Sunday morning

there was a girl named Sarah sitting in Sunday school when she fell asleep. The teacher called on Sarah and asked "who in the Bible turned water into wine?" The boy next to Sarah poked her with a pencil and she woke up and shouted "Jesus!" "Very good. Now can you tell me who created the world?" Sarah had fallen back asleep so the boy poked her with the pencil again an


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Why do they call it the American Dream?

Because you have to be asleep to believe it.

RIP George Carlin. He died 11 years ago yesterday.

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Is it Muglin yet!

Once there was a granny who was travelling to Hetauda from Kathmandu in a night bus. She used to fall asleep in the bus so she asked the conductor of the bus to wake her up when the bus reached Muglin. Every five minutes she asked, “Is it Muglin yet?”. The conductor replied,”No granny, you can sleep without worry I’ll wake you up when it’s Muglin” but still she


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Why are Americans very religious?

Because they are dumb and backwards.


Don't worry, they're asleep

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As a married man its hard for me to fall asleep after sex

Because i have to drive home.

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I asked my friend from Scotland how many sexual partners he had...

He started counting and fell asleep.

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A kid asks his father "Dad whats politics?"

"Politics? Well, consider our home. I am the wage earner, so let's call me Capitalism. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we'll call her Government. We take care of you and your needs, so we'll call you the People. We'll call the maid the Working Class, and your baby brother the Future. Do you understand so far?"

"I'm not sure, Da


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Did you hear about the ant that fell asleep in a cucumber?

When he woke up he was in a pickle

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I asked my Welsh friend to count all the people hed slept with...

He fell asleep before he’d finished.

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I couldn't fall asleep and hence I started counting backwards from 0.

Now I'm at -8300.

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My neighbour rang my doorbell at 2 am...

I got out of bed, opened the door and he asked me:
"Do you have garlic?"
I searched the kitchen, but with no luck. So I told him:
"No, I don't have garlic." and closed the door. After an hour or so I managed to get asleep again.
Then the neighbour rang the doorbell again at 4 am, when I managed to get out of bed and opened the door he said:


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"I like to count girls I slept with to quicker fall asleep"

- Girls? Why wouldn't you be counting sheep instead?
- Oh shut it, it was just one time.

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When the cops raided the warehouse, the crack dealers were fast asleep while production was going on

this was a case of a rested development.

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Little Johnny is falling asleep in class and little Susie is sitting behind him

The teacher noticed Johnny’s head down so she called on him to answer: “Johnny, who is our lord and savior?” Susie pokes him in the back with a pencil, making him jerk awake and scream “JESUS CHRIST!” The teacher was shocked but just said “very good Johnny” and he fell back asleep. Teacher notices this again and asks him “Johnny who created the heave


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When I die I want to go out like my grandpa

He just fell asleep and never woke up-unlike the people riding his bus

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What do you call an undead who can't fall asleep?

An in-zombie-ac.

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I'm having a little trouble falling asleep so I figured I'd write a joke

a joke

Tomorrow I'll write two jokes

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A man was talking to his friend at the bar. The friend said Did you know that 9 out of 10 women with brown eyes cheat on their husbands?

“No, I didn’t know that.” The man replied.

“So what color are your wife’s eyes?” asked the friend.

The man replied, “I’m too drunk to remember. Geez, I better go home and find out.”

So the man hurries home to find his wife in bed and asleep. The man carefully lifts his wife’s eyelid and exclaims, &ld


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I woke up to a blowjob today...

That’s the last time I fall asleep on a train with my mouth open.

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Two fleas meet in a bar

-"Hi, how it's going!"

-"Not so good. I'm living in a biker's mustache and it's so windy and cold, I hate that place!"

-"Oh, that's bad. Here's what you do. Bikers always have girlfriends. Whenever a girl gets close, you jump into her cleavage and go south. Down there you'll find a nice cozy place, a warm valley


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I fell asleep in my dream

That is all.

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Why did Donald Trump bring his wig to the cash register?

Toupee.

Credit: my wife made this up while we were in bed falling asleep last night.

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