Arrive

Jokes

A man wearing a muscle shirt approaches

"I see the muscle shirt arrived, do the muscles arrive tomorrow"?

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Fecundation is just like a party

You arrive with your dad and leave with your mom.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

1000 words are crammed into a hotel ballroom and they've just been notified that there is a bomb in the room and it needs to be diffused

There are 5 members on the bomb squad however only 4 arrive because there's no room for Error.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Two men arrive at the pearly gates.

"What do you wish to say before entering?" asked God.

"Who are you?" the first man asked.

"What?" asked God, astounded. "You mean, you don't know who I am?"

"No."

God frowned and said, "You've never seen my picture? Or heard my name?"

"No."

&


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Two Texan cops arrive at a crime scene...

Cop 1, after inspecting the body of the black victim: "I've counted 28 gunshots".

Cop 2: "Wow, this might be the worst suicide I've ever seen"!

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Two priests are walking down the street when a man approaches them, "I'm Jesus Christ," says the man

Priest one: "I don't believe you're our Lord and Savior"

The man turns to the second priest and tells him, "I'm Jesus Christ."

Priest two: "I agree with him, you're not Jesus."

Man: "Well if you walk a couple blocks with me, I can prove that I am Jesus Christ."

The agree to follow him an


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Just put a deposit down on a brand new Porsche and posted on Facebook that I can't wait for the new 911 to arrive.

10000 random Muslims have now added me as a friend.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

A guy is taking his girlfriend to prom.

He waits in a very long line to get prom tickets.

He then proceeds to rent a limousine, where the line is long as well.

The guy heads to the florist, where he stands in line for over an hour to buy flowers.

Once they arrive at prom, his girlfriend asks him to get punch, which he does quickly because there is no punchline.


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

I ordered a hand grenade online and it's scheduled to arrive today

edit: holy shit it blew up, rip my inbox

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

So my friend Shubham was travelling to Jaipur, the last stop of his countrywide tour.

On his way, he stopped at a highway restaurant, where there were a group of guys who were also travelling.
So Shubham started talking to them and they bonded over football, and they seemed like decent fellows who were really fun and nice to talk to.
They asked Shubham if he wanted to join them, since they were all going the same way. He agreed, and they all got in the car, and went on


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Fixing ACs is the worst job

You arrive when it’s really hot, and when it’s finally fixed, you need to leave.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

So I have my policy of not being late twice in a day...

So if I arrive late at work then I leave from work early 😎

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

They often say that I miss the comedy timing

Guess my punchlines arrive late.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

An Indian man named Rahul decides to go to America for a vacation.

Rahul gets to the airport in America and realizes he has no idea what to do. He wanders around for awhile and came across a couple of backpackers who just got back from India as well.

They talk for awhile and decide to have dinner as a group.

Rahul and the backpackers all jump into a taxi and on the way out of the airport they decide to go to a Texas Roadhouse.


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Lady of the house: "I want you to stand at the front door and call the guests' names as they arrive."

Butler: "Very well, madam. I've been wanting to do that for years!"

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Im running a seminar tomorrow on multiple personalities.

Please arrive early to fill out your name tags.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Two cannibals arrive at a party. "Oh no, not finger food again," says one.

"Still better than toes," replies the other.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

A child who is critically ill is taken under the Make-A-Wish foundation

Her first wish is to meet Captain America and Thor so Chris Evans and Chris Hemsworth arrive at the hospital.

After a long meeting session, the two of them ask her what her next wish is.

"I want to meet Iron Man now"

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Blonde joke

A blonde woman is driving her car when she crashes. When the police arrive she tells them the man she collided with was on his phone and drinking a can of beer.

The police said back to her “he can do what he wants in his own living room”

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

The golfer

So a guy gets married and one of the first things he does after the honeymoon is to play 18 holes of golf with his buds, and they also have a few drinks afterwards.

When he gets home his wife confronts him: "I can't believe you'd go out all day after we're married, and to play golf! And you reek of booze!" She just goes on and on until finally he can't t


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

There's 1 million nuns. They get on a bus from Dublin and are going on a tour of Europe. So the bus takes off for Belfast. They stay in a hotel there and when they wake up the head nun sees that half of her nuns have been murdered

She's in shock, doesn't know what to do, she rounds up the remaining nuns and heads back to the bus where they take off to get the ferry to England and on to London, just before the bus is about to leave she notices this strange little man, he's just standing there staring at the bus. The head nun dismisses this and off they pop.
The bus gets to London after a fairly long jour


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Two officers receive a call about a man who attempted to steal a brief case, but immediately felt remorse and abandoned the area. The officers arrive on the scene to investigate.

“Open and shut case Johnson”

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

My dads favorite joke

A guy is sitting in a bar and in walks a gorgeous woman who sits down next to him and orders a scotch. The guy notices how she looks a little distressed so he asks her whats wrong? She said that her boyfriend just left her because she was too kinky for him and he couldn't handle it. The guy says wow what a coincidence, my wife left me a month ago because she said I was too kinky for her!


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

A thief entered a house mid-afternoon.

He tied up the woman and asked the man to hand over the jewellery and money at gun point.

Man started sobbing and said, "Brother, you take anything you want, but please untie the rope and let her go."

Thief said, "You really love your wife, huh!"
Man said, "No, my wife will arrive shortly."


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

My poor baby!

A women gives birth and the baby is quickly rushed out of the room. The doctor soon comes in and says, "I'm sorry, but there was a complication. It may be better if you come see for yourself."
The doctor walks the new mother to the NICU. They stop at a bed and there is a baby with no arms and no legs. The mother asks, "Is that my baby!?"
The doctor replies, &qu


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

My poor baby!

A women gives birth and the baby is quickly rushed out of the room. The doctor soon comes in and says, "I'm sorry, but there was a complication. It may be better if you come see for yourself."
The doctor walks the new mother to the NICU. They stop at a bed and there is a baby with no arms and no legs. The mother asks, "Is that my baby!?"
The doctor replies, &qu


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Black people actually invented the marathon.

They arrive at the pool by foot and they leave with a bike.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Pitcher of Beer

Next time you go out with friends and your the first one to arrive, when they sit down at the table, tell them you got a pitcher of beer. When they start get antsy after some time goes by and ask where's the pitcher of beer? Kindly show them a picture of beer.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Every member of my family brings happiness to me.

Some when they arrive, and others when they leave.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Why did the computer take so long to arrive?

It had a hard drive

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

My amazon package didnt arrive today

Guess It got accidentally sent to the National Enquirer

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

My girlfriend said she was leaving me because I spoil her too much.

I said, "Your limousine will arrive in approximately ten minutes."

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

A Jewish man sends his son to Israel to live there for a while . . .

A Jewish man sends his son to Israel to live there for a while. Eventually he returns home and he is now a Christian. The man finds this to be odd and mentions it to his friend.

The friend listens, thinks for a moment and says, "That's odd. I sent my son to Israel as a Jew and he returned as a Christian." So the two of them went to see the Rabbi.

They told


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

So a guy asks a girl out to a dance

She says yes, and the guy, delighted with joy, begins to make preparations.

The guy goes to a flower store to buy some nice flowers for the girl. However, there is a long line to buy flowers, but after a while, he was finally able to buy some nice flowers for the girl.

The guy decides to also rent a limousine to arrive to the dance in, so he goes to the limousine rental t


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

What time does Sean Connery arrive to Wimbledon?

TEN-NISH

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

A Buddhist monk with a hearing problem thinks he hears his neighbors house being broken into.

So the monk calls the cops and when they arrive, the monk is notified that it was just cats in a nearby alley. 20 minutes later, the monk calls the police again, this time for the sound of a woman yelling for help coming from a house down the road a little. Upon arriving and checking around, the police conclude it was simply a woman having some friends over who were all laughing and having fun, an


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

A wife decides to take her husband, Dave, to a strip club for his birthday.

They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"

​

His wife is puzzled and asks if hes been to this club before.

​

"Oh no," says Dave. "Hes on my bowling team."

​

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if hed like


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Why does hurricanes always have a girl's name ?

Because they arrive hot and wet, and leave with your house and your car.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

If you arrive fashionably late wearing crocs

You’re just late

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

In Soviet Russia

It takes 10 years for a foreign car to arrive. One day a man goes to order a car. He gives the man working there, "Will the car come in the morning or in the afternoon?", the man working there replies, "In ten years what difference does it make?". "Well the plumbers coming in the mornining!"


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

A thief entered a house mid-afternoon.

He surprised the lady of the house and tied her up. He then waited until the man of the house came upstairs and held him at gun point and demanded that the man have over all the jewelry and cash that the had in the house.

The man began sobbing and said:

"You can take anything you want but please untie the rope and free her."

The thief responded: &q


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

This really isn't a good joke but...

In an alternate universe, Hitler gains power of the whole world (somehow) and he is so full of himself, he changes the official title of a man from mister to the first 3 letters of his name.

In this alternate universe, Hitler doesn't believe in Aryan supremacy but supports LGBT (bear with me). One day, a group of retired military bisexual friends go to a firing range to see once


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

3 friends, Joe, Bob, and Niall are going on a holiday to Egypt.

Joe and Bob both arrive at their apartment first, and after several hours, Niall still hasn't arrived.

Joe became doubtful that he will arrive, saying "He's never makes it to any of these trips, this desert will freeze over before he gets here".

But then Bob looked out the window and said "Hey look! Icy Nile!".


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Theres only one way you can leave Vegas with a small fortune

Arrive with a big one

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Two girls walk into a restaurant

A hungry girl and a naked girl walk into a restaurant, the crowd goes crazy as the girls sit down. The waiter walks in with the menu and says, "you're hot" to the hungry girl whose skin is radiating red. The naked girl says "arghh, bite me already!"
**Few moments later**
The cops arrive to see the **'girl eat girl action'** in *Tarantinoesque*


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

A Sailor Walks into a Bar

He sits at the bar, and the bartender notices that he has a head the size of a baseball. The bartender then asks him what happened to his head? The sailor begins to tell his story.

​

"So I was stranded at sea, and I was approached by a mermaid who granted me three wishes. The first wish was for optimal conditions for a safe voyage home. My second wish


read more
UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Why are tornadoes always named after women?

Because when the tornadoes arrive they are warm and moist but when they leave, you only have half a house, no car, and your entire life lies in ruins.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

Cocoa was the last to arrive at the party

He was chocolate

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

A man, his wife, and their three young children arrive at a motel.

The man goes to the front desk and says, "I sure hope the porn is disabled."

The clerk looks at him funny. "It's regular porn, you sick fuck."

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE

If you are a cannibal, just do not arrive late at the dinner table

or you will get the cold shoulder.

UPVOTE
DOWNVOTE
LOAD MORE