Approaching

Jokes

Dude on the beach

There is a California dude going through a desert. He's wearing shorts, sunglasses, a towel and listening to music on his walkman. He's having a good time. Suddenly he sees a caravan approaching. He stops the Arabs and ask them cheerfully: "Hey dudes how far is the sea?" They look at each other and say: "Two thousand miles!" And he says: "Wow what a cool beach!!


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My first dog was named Victory...

...because my parents never let me have a pet when I was a kid. I was so happy to have her that I took her out for walks every day. One day, we were passing the beach, and I decided it would be nice to let her go for a swim. It was hot out, after all. Unfortunately, the local beach had an infamous shark that bit off a foot from 3 different people, so everyone called it 'Feet'. I was keep


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Brian Johnson is taking a trip to Washington

After a few hours, they start approaching their destination. Brian notices the border of Washington, and with his accent, says "I see DC!"

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I feel like Reddit is gonna destroy the world.

Karmageddon is approaching.

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With Father's Day approaching I'm looking for some advice for an appropriate gift.

I'm certain that he always has almost everything that I can think of, except for AIDS or a coffin.

I'm hesitant to give him a coffin, because I'm sure it would be about the last thing in the world he's going to need. But AIDS, I'm sure he hasn't got already. So would it be OK if I gave him AIDS?


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Two men are approaching each other on a sidewalk.

As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points to his foot and says, "Vietnam, 1969."

The other points his thumb behind and says, "Dog poop, 20 feet back."

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When aliens will be approaching Earth, what radio frequency will they pick first?

60 Hz on one side of the world, and 50 Hz on the other.

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A man was approaching the pearly white gates

When he got there Saint Peter asked if he wanted a tour of heaven.

As the man was touring heaven, he saw tennis courts, baseball diamonds, anything you could want in the world.

As the tour was approaching the end he saw a huge wall surrounding a small area of heaven.

He asked Saint Peter “what’s back there?”

Saint Peter repli


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Two Stormtroopers are in Mos Eisley when one turns to the other

"Hey, did you hear the rumor?" he says, noticing the cloaked old man passing by.

"What rumor?" the other Stormtrooper asks.

"Lord Vader nicknamed the Death Star after Senator Padme."

"Why'd he do that?"

"I don't know..."

Later, as the Millennium Falcon is approaching the Dea


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Why did the Italian man shout "Bigamist!" ?

There was a thick fog approaching.

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A traveler was walking along the side of the road hitchhiking on a dark night in the middle of a thunderstorm

Time passed slowly and no cars went by. It was raining so hard he could barely see his hand in front of his face.

Suddenly he saw a car approaching, moving slowly and appearing ghost-like in the rain. It slowly and silently crept toward him and stopped.

Wanting a ride very badly, the guy jumped into the car and closed the door; only then did he realize that there was nobo


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What does one pilot say to the other when approaching Iceland?

"I land."

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A man was stuck at a desert island for 20 years. One day, he saw something approaching.

With joy, the man looked at the approaching blur.
At first, it appeared to be a ship, then a boat, then a raft and ultimately a woman in a diver's suit came out of the water.
They talked. The woman asked, "How long since you last had a cigarette ?"
The man said, "20 years !"
The woman unzipped a zipper on her left arm and took out a pack and a light


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A man found a well

A man was walking along the street, and as he walked, he found a well behind a house. He was horny, so he decided to masturbate. As he finished, he ejaculated into the well. Because he had his back turned against the house, he didn't see the owner of the house approaching him. She then talked to him.

"Why are you masturbating in my well"

He then repli


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Last time the Governor of Va had a week this bad

Richmond Va was on fire and Grant was approaching Appomattox.

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Approaching an item in a department store, I say worriedly, "Dont you know!? They're trying to sell you!"

"I'm aware," it replied.

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"Fetch me my red shirt..."

One fine afternoon, a merchant captain was guiding his crew across the Spanish Main when the sailor from the crow's nest called down in a panicked voice.



"Cap'n!!!" he cried, "Ship approaching from the starboard side! An' she's flying pirate colors!!!"




Calmly, the captain turned to his first mate


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A Zebra dies and goes to heaven...

When he gets to the Gates, a man is there and says "you may ask 1 question before you enter and you will get you answer.." The Zebra thinks for a second and says "Am I white with black stripes or black with white stripes?" Stumped the man tells the Zebra to wait there and he will get the answer from The Man himself.. Waiting patiently the Zebra sees the man approaching and says


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St. Peter dies, and upon approaching the gates of Heaven, finds himself shut out.

"Jesus!" he cries. "Why won't you let me in?"

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To which Jesus replies: "I gave you all the keys. Let yourself in!"

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A woman has just given birth and sees the doctor approaching. "Doctor, is my baby a boy or girl?" she asks. The doctor replies, "I would never assume the gender of your baby."

"But THEY are dead."

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The captain of a ship was preparing to set sail...

...when a fellow sailor came up to him and said,

“There’s a storm approaching. The chance of us setting off isn’t looking too good.”

The captain scratched his chin and said

“I sea.”

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With Halloween approaching, I tried uploading some exorcist videos to YouTube.

They all got demonetized

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What do you call a guy who is uncomfortable in social situations and has trouble approaching others?

A shy guy. Like in mario

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A man on a horse tries to cross a river.

While approaching the river bank a big crocodile comes out of the river.

“If you will try to cross the river I will eat you!” Says the crocodile.

“I have never seen a talking crocodile before!” Says the man both stunned and scared.

“Me neighther!” Says the horse.


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What appears to be blue, is actually red, and is terrible for your teeth?

An approaching Doppler-shifted brick.

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Luke Skywalker was approaching the Death Star one day...

Luke is approaching the Death Star when sunlight gets in his eyes, so he aborts the approach dipping to the dark side of the planet where a full moon gives him no place to hide. He uses all his skill, force and party music to dodge the enemy attackers, until Chewbacca accidentally deploys the airbrake and they are immediately shot down.

Accident investigation later reported, “D


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A lady with a mildly upset tummy gets on a street car for a cross town appointment...

When approaching the first stop, she notices the street car’s brakes make a horribly loud racket. Given the state of her upset tummy she decides that she can take advantage of the street car’s worn brakes. Cautiously, upon approaching the next stop she perfectly times the release of a small amount of pent up gas with the rumble of the street car and releases the smallest little poot.


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A man dies and goes to heaven

A man dies and goes to heaven, and St Peter shows him around. They go past one room, and the man asks: "Who are all those people in there?" "They are the Methodists," says St Peter.

They pass another room, and the man asks the same question. "They're the Anglicans," says St Peter.

As they're approaching the next room, St Peter say


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How do you get Isrealis to evacuate their cities in the case of an approaching hurricane?

Name it Cyclone B

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How does a blind parachutist know when hes approaching the ground?

The leash goes slack!

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A group of teens are joyriding around the outskirts of town.

The driver sees a semi-truck and veers into oncoming traffic to play chicken.

"Watch this!" the driver exclaimed while covering his eyes. Right as they are about to impact the truck, he screams: "Jesus, take the wheel!"

The car careens off to the side of the truck, missing it by a hair. His passengers' cheers and laughter soon gave way as the ca


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Q: What did one shepherd say to the other shepherd when he saw a wolf approaching?

A: “Let’s get the flock outta here!”

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For me it's always hard approaching a woman.. Then we start talking

[deleted]

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What did the Nazi Officer say when he saw the Americans approaching?

Au Schwitz!

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A blonde and a brunette were sitting outside on a porch....

... The brunette notices her husband approaching her with flowers. The brunette says: "Oh great, flowers. Looks like I'll be on my back with my legs spread open all weekend." The blonde says: "Why? Don't you have a vase?"

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I once saw an Arab on a flight....

I was kinda shocked when I saw him and looked on him with suspicion. Then he understood what I was thinking and approaching me, he said, "Not all Muslims are terrorists" and we laughed so hard that his grenades fell out of his pocket.

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How did Mars feel when the colonists were approaching?

Terra-fied.

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TIFU: By approaching a feminist.

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Sportsjoke How do you know it's going to be a white christmas?

It's approaching with deceptive speed.

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Why did the chicken cross the road?

To avoid the approaching feminist.

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Crows

Recently biologists have noted that more crows have been getting killed by vehicles on major trucking highways than on normal roads. After tire print and impact analysis, they determined that these crows are being killed by large trucks, not cars. One especially bright scientist came up with a hypothesis. These crows always post a sentry while they eat roadkill to warn them of any approaching traf


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Hundreds of thousands FLEEING MEXICO........

..... In other news. .... there's a hurricane approaching too.

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So Halloween is fast approaching... Where I can get one of those cool Guy Fieri masks that all the anarchists are wearing?

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What did the pair of flip-flops say to the approaching man with disgusting feet?

Shoe.

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What do you call a bird who hangs out in churches a lot who is approaching sexual maturity?

A pew birdie going through puberty

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So a black guy walks into a bank...

Approaching the nearest available teller, he says, "Hi, I'd like to file for bankruptcy." "Okay", the teller replies, "what's your name?"

"Fifty Cent"

badum tisss

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Two men walk through a desert

So two guys are walking through the desert and all is going well. As they are walking one guy says to the other "OW UNCOOL, hey did you see that". The other guy replies "see what". The first guy turns and points at the approaching shroud of sand and rocks and proceeds to say " Darude Sandstorm "

They are then engulfed in the storm and die


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Two guys are in a desert

So two guys are walking through the desert and all is going well. As they are walking one guy says to the other "OW UNCOOL, hey did you see that". The other guy replies "see what". The first guy turns and points at the approaching shroud of sand and rocks and proceeds to say " Darude Sandstorm "

They are then engulfed in the storm and die


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A man goes to buy a horse...

A man in search of purchasing a horse finds an ad in the local newspaper claiming the horse is fully trained and will offer a test ride to any potential buyer. So the man shows up and looks at the horse asks if he may take it for a test ride. The owner agrees and explains the voice commands to control the horse. He says "to make him go you say "oh my goodness" and to make him stop y


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Two men are approaching each other on a sidewalk...

Two men are approaching each other on a sidewalk. Both are dragging their right foot as they walk.

As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points to his foot and says,
"Vietnam, 1969."

The other points his thumb behind him and says,
"Dog shit, 20 feet back."

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